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| Viewing Page 1 of 1 (Total Posts: 6) |
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Margaret Moran
 Sep 24, 04 - 12:02 PM |
LOST, SAD, AND DESPERATE
Unfortunately, my appt or my week didn't go well. Well, I haven't been feeling good for a while, but it has mostly been nausea, a little pain, and side effects from some meds I'm on. Sunday my husband and I went to church and I felt good for the first time physically at least, but mentally might be another story. You see, Oprah was coming to Ft. Campbell on Monday to throw the World's Largest Baby Shower(I live in Baby Capital, USA). I have already been feeling so depressed because I am going through the emotions of knowing in my heart I will never get pregnant and being around everyone who is and feeling like, I had to live without my husband for a year too, so why aren't I pregnant. Then Oprah has to come and throw the WORLD'S LARGEST BABY SHOWER and that just put the icing on the cake for me and I felt so mad and jealous. Please, don't think wrong of me, I am very happy for all the women who are pregnant, have children, or got to be a part of the shower, but please understand I am just extra on the sensitive side of things at the moment. So, anyways on Monday morning around 4am, I never went to sleep, I was in unbearable pain, sharp excrutiating pain on the left and right side and of course, nausea. I woke my husband and told him to take me to the ER. They did seem to believe the pain I was in and after doing an exam the doctor wanted to put me on an IV and give me some anti-inflammatories, nausea med, and pain killer. The doctor told me that I definitely had a pelvic infection and if I really do have endo that it could be adding to my pain(really do have endo). So, I asked the nurse "what is a pelvic infection caused by" and she said, "it could be caused by a number of things" and went and got my husband. I updated him and then he asked the nurse the same ques. and she replied with the same answer and then she became very hesitant and said usually an STD, well I wanted to vomit. My husband looked at her like she was crazy and she quickly added that my urinalysis came back negative for any STD's(#1 i didn't even know they tested me for that #2 **** right)and it can also be caused by pregnancy(not me), abortion(no way), and surgery(but said that was unlikely). But, she added, "that endo and pelvic infection are so similar that it is near impossible to tell them apart in an exam". So, this week has moved on slowly and painfully, but have stuck it out for my appt today. Well, I almost didn't even make it to the appt this morning because I was so sick. Then, I got their and cried like a big baby (exactly what I didn't want to do). Thank God, she was kind and let me cry and ramble on. Once I calmed down, she asked me about my experience on Lupron and I told her that it was 3mths of HELL. She mentioned a hyst and said, "you are 25 and without children and to high of a risk"(infertility is the exact opposite of normal on an Army base). So, she talked to me about Lupron and how she can give me meds that could possibly help the side effects(i sat their in disbelief, that she was actually recommending I try it again). I told her that she maybe right and I might do well this time, but no way am I taking the chance and so now she wants me on some other stuff that starts with a D and it can make you hairy and have a deep voice. I told her that I would(NOT), just to get out of their and she also gave me Bextra for the pain. Also, said that she knows I don't have pelvic infection and ER docs aren't used to chronic cases like me coming in. So, I drove home and was just feeling so lost and desperate and just wanting to talk to my husband and have him hold me. I knew he had to fly to Ga to drop off some aircraft and wouldn't be home until late tomorrow (our 5yr wedding anniversary), but it just didn't hit me until I saw that his truck was gone. I called my mom, being the great mom she is and having gone through this herself, she calmed me. So, I just wanted to fill you all in before I hit the bed and say thanks for listening, sorry I couldn't make it shorter and I hope everyone is doing well. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. A special thanks to Melanie for the note, it brightened my day. May God bless us all with a brighter day and new beginnings. LOVE YA LIKE AN ENDO SISTA, MARGARET (AKA BIG CRY BABY)[:)] |
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Lori
Sep 24th, 2004 - 2:44 PM |
Re: LOST, SAD, AND DESPERATE
Hi Margaret! I am so sorry that it was such a terrible appt. Danozol I think is the name of that drug. It was the drug of choice 20 years ago for endo, which then proved to be very harmful as my dr. said. I refused that drug also, as I was told you can get temporary male effects-a deepened voice, hair.... It seems that drug has been replaced with Lupron now. You know I think it is good to cry. It sure helps me, so do not feel bad for it & I for one do not care if your posts are long. This entire site is all about me venting during the down times, so do not feel bad for crying here at all. Infertility is so hard huh! Do remember that God can do way more than we can imagine.-I cannot remember the exact verse, but I do think about this at times when I feel hopeless. I recently bought some great books at rest ministries(the link is on the coping articles page) These books have been helping me quite a bit, as this is a very trying time for me also. Maybe they could help you? are you also still using progesterone cream? Praying tomorrow brings you much hope. Lori 
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Melanie
Sep 24th, 2004 - 3:01 PM |
Re: LOST, SAD, AND DESPERATE
Oh Margaret... I had been thinking about you all day and I just teared up eading your post. It makes me so sad that you are not doing well and your ER/new doctor experience did not go well. I remember the embarassment I felt in the ER when I had gone in for pelvic pain. Sometimes I can't believe all the tests they run. In one night I even took two pregnancy tests and hadn't had sex in YEARS! And then was given another one two weeks later. I'm like, "Uhm, God did it once, if he did again I don't think he'd choose me." Oh and they tested me just as many times for STDs... It can be so humiliating (though I know they do it to rule things out, but for crying out loud)... I don't think you're a cry baby at all. Sometimes crying is exactly what we need to help us sort through our emotions. It describes our pain, our frustations, our fatigue, etc. It's so good to let it all out. I know I can't stand crying in front of people, but I have to get over that because it serves as a release for me. My doctors have told me that I have a high risk of infertility, but my tubes were all clear so they said that was a good sign. I'm getting up there in terms of my biological clock (35) but I continue to tell myself that all will work out for me (first I need to find someone to have babies with!)... But I can certainly relate to seeing babies, going to baby showers and getting a little sad... I have some incredible nieces and nephews though and they bring so much joy to my life. One of them prays for me all the time too, prays that I will find a nice man to marry and have babies with. Gestures like that always make me feel better. It reminds me not only do I receive a lot of love in my life, but I have so much to give and those that receive it need not be my own children. I'm not trying to paint a rosy picture here, just letting you know of how I deal with those times when I do get particularly sad over being single and without kids. I know for me dwelling just makes me so depressed so I have to make the extra effort to see the positive in my situation. What do you think you will do in terms of treatment? Hang in there, Margaret. We're all here for you... Hugs, Melanie |
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Lori
Sep 24th, 2004 - 3:14 PM |
Re: LOST, SAD, AND DESPERATE
Here is the verse I was looking for: Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think, according to his power that works in us, to Him be the glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen |
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Margaret Moran
Sep 24th, 2004 - 5:15 PM |
Re: LOST, SAD, AND DESPERATE
Thank you all so much and reading your sweet and concerned replies means so much to me; I don't know if you truley know just how much. I am going to try really hard to answer everyones questions. First, Melanie I know I have had a bad week when I can make another endo sufferer cry for me(or with me). HAHAHA! But seriously, I appreciated your letter and it meant so much to me. You are so sweet and kind and what man wouldn't want that. I will pray with your niece that you can get a good man and a baby too. Just hang in there and I know exactly what you mean about distributing your love in other ways(how you do with your nieces and nephews), I do it with my dogs. They are my babies, my peace of mind, and my bestfriends. Hi Jill Mary, you are so kind and what is this about you bleeding? I totally understand why your prayers were for yourself, so no need to apologize for that. You had mentioned something and you didn't want to upset me; you are not going to upset me and if I cry it is just because I can't stop(haha). If I read it correctly you were thinking it was possible that I just might not have it, sorry I may not have read it correctly, so correct me if I am wrong. I had a lap in '99 that diagnosed me with severe endo. If you were talking about the infection; yes that might be true. The Gyn said that I don't have it, but then she didn't even give me an exam. Who knows anymore. About infertility,I was told by the gyn that did my lap that I needed to immediately start having children because everyday that goes by is a day closer to being unable to concieve(i was 19 and getting married in 4mths). I wouldn't have taken it seriously, but this is a doctor that was in complete shock of whatever it was he saw and he showed it on his face. I had never even heard of endo and when he did that lap he did it thinking their might be some scar tissue from my previous lap(which removed 2cysts and 1tumor). The other thing is I have been married 5yrs and never used a contraceptive or did anything to prevent it and everything(from standing on my head) that I could do to make it possible. I discovered in my last lap that my right tube is blocked now and the doc didn't do anything to fix it. But, mostly I feel it in my heart and that is what hurts the most about it. Lori(last, but not least), you are wonderful. Of course, everyone here is wonderful, but you are exceptionally wonderful. Thank you so much for this website. Well,I hope you are doing well yourself. I have been using the cream and it has worked great for my back. I rotate where I rub it, but with the cream left over on my hands I rub it on my back and thank God I haven't had to deal with that pain recently. For my right side and left side it hasn't been helping. Also,I am going to check out the coping articles because trust me I need all the help with coping I can get. You all take care and thank you again for the thoughts, prayers, and letters. You are all in my prayers and please know that. May God bless you all. Margaret p.s. Jill Mary please tell your sister I am thinking of her. I also, thank and pray for her husband and all our troops, especially overseas for a job well done. |
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Margaret Moran
Sep 25th, 2004 - 8:51 AM |
Re: LOST, SAD, AND DESPERATE
Oh, so sorry you are going through that as well and I hope some day soon you will find the right treatment to stop it. Just hang in there( i think that is what we endo women do the best) and eventually your prayers will be answered. Take care and God bless. Margaret |
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