Support for endometriosis sufferers

Emily

Apr 27, 08 - 7:36 PM

Coping with conversations about other's baby problems?

I have been dealing with this issue for a while. I pray about it. And it still seems to cause problems for me. So, I decided to ask the experts...THAT'S YOU!!

Background: I was diagnosed with endo last year. I have been in PAIN for years (don't know why it took the doctors so long to get to the diagnosis). Had surgery - still in pain. And my husband and I have wanted to start a family for 5+ years.

My sister recently had a baby. Almost everyday, I hear from her or from my mother about the latest issue with the baby. Sleep problems. Breastfeeding issues. Colic. Etc.

While I am thrilled to have a new nephew, it takes every bone in my body to refrain from saying, "Just be thankful that you have a healthy baby."

I would never actually respond this way, but I'm trying to find a way to explain to them that they shouldn't always focus on the negatives of having a baby. Not only is it hurting my feelings (because I would LOVE to have a baby). But who knows how many other friends/family members are suffering silently as I am?

Any advice? How do I bring up this subject without starting an argument?

Nettie

Apr 28th, 2008 - 9:48 AM

Re: Coping with conversations about other's baby problems?

Dear Emily,

You sound like a sweet sister and a wonderful Aunt. It took me six and a half years with two miscarriages to have my second baby. And When I had my first miscarriage, someone I knew, very close to me said that they where happy that it wasn't them that had lost their children.

From a perspective of one with kids(and a sister who is older than me whom has no kids), I believe it to be wise NOT to say anything out of frustration or anguish of heart. God knows exactly how you feel, Just as he did Hanna, Samuel's Mother from the bible.

I can tell you that when I had my second, he was a colicky baby who screamed day and night for three years straight. My body was racked to the point that I shaked everywhere I went and had huge cysts all over my face. My ears are very sensitive so I cried every day. My hormones where so waked that people wanted to stay away from me( I had post tramatic depression really bad, so much that I did a lot of things that I regret). Colic is a real nightmare. My son is now four and suffers from acid indigestion so he throws up often.
Something that is extremely hard to handle because I hate barf. On my birthday he had to get stitches in his mouth because my other son dropped him on his face .I started my cycle on my birthday at the same time. And going grocery shopping with three is a nightmare. Talk about people staring and saying things like, "well you got your hands full" Sometimes I want to say YEP!, But, "Full of blessings", comes out instead because God reminds me that they are a gift from Him on loan.

My other son who is now ten was born 4 lbs IUGR. I threw up so much with my first and gained no weight
(I weighed 125,and 115 before I got pregnant with him) that they had to get the baby out early. I was in labor for 28 hours crying and begging the doctor to give me a C-section. She refused, and when it was time, the baby was FEET first, so she ripped him out feet first which could have killed him. I was ripped from front to back and couldn't go to the bathroom for days.

When I got my chocolate cyst removed from the endo, I had to watch both kid does. It was so hard,because I had felt like I couldn't move.

Then when I had my third, I began to nurse. It hurt so bad that I shook in my bed like a fish wanting to give up. I cried for days.

All of this is not to ramble about how bad rearing children are, or to boast, or how I wish that I had a different life. I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I couldn't possibly keep quiet about my experience because a baby brought into this world changes your life and the life of your families, drastically.

My mother in law was so goo goo over my two kids, she was the grandma of grandmas. It bothered me sometimes because It was spoil time. But If I can go back in time I would change my out look. For my Mother-in-law went to be with Jesus two years ago, and had little time with her grand babies. One of the things that comforted her departer was that she would be meeting two of her grandchildren in heaven.

All this talking is to say, no matter what.... the experiences will only grow.

But You can ask your sister and mother to be sensitive around you about their negative experiences. Only because you are wishing and praying for a miracle baby.But as a mom you have to let it out to someone or else you will go insane. This is the way God created women.

It's ok to say, JUST BE THANKFUL. (of course in a sweet way).Maybe, "Thank God the baby cries with strong lungs", or that you can breast feed, or something of that nature. Sometimes that wakes up all that complaining and gripping that moms do about their kids and the experiences that they face every day. Believe me I have some exhausting stories. Mine are with me day and night. They are not bad. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but a little peace and quiet, I would ask for at least one day.

May the lord give you wisdom, and I hope that your family can pray with you and talk it over with you some of your concerns.

Love,
Nettie

P.S. I wish that my sisters where close enough to be a part of my children's lives. I'll bet you are the best Aunt anyone could ever ask for.

Christina

May 20th, 2008 - 3:26 AM

Re: Coping with conversations about other's baby problems?

I guess I went through the same thing as you did except people have always walked on egg shells around me. I had my miscarrage 6 years ago, I didn't want to try an have kids after that, it was so tramatic. I still don't have children but thats by choice which makes it even worse that they feel like they need to be extra careful around me.

As I have, if I were you, I would drive into being a aunt and find out what it is like to want to complain about babies. You have idealized in your head the life of a mother. Maybe I can't have children, it hasn't happen by accident yet with no protection. I don't know but by no means am I unaware of what my sister in laws go through. I've sat up nights with them, been in restraunts with them screaming, and changed many a diaper and they still walk on egg shells! I wonder now if I gave them a reason. I wish they won't, I don't have a problem being married 7 years without children, I want a house so my children can play on grass, my time will come.

So will yours!!! Enjoy the baby and complain with them. Learn what you can so you don't make the same mistakes they have with their children. I know its hard but look at their side. That baby can heal your heart.

Brandfam

May 21st, 2008 - 6:22 PM

Re: Coping with conversations about other's baby problems?

Hey Emily!
I understand what you are going through. My husband and I have been trying for 3 years to have kids. We have had 5 miscarriages over the past 3 years. I know what it is like to want kids and see people close to you have kids or call and give you their good news about being pregnant.

A friend of mine had a baby a couple of months ago and almost everytime I talk with her she is saying how her child won't sleep, or she is having troubles with him eating, or she is not getting enough sleep. I try so hard not to say something that I am going to regret. I love that she has a child but I feel that she is focusing more on the negative parts of being a parent.

On the other hand I have my stepmom calling and saying how my sister's kids are doing so good and that she is so glad to be a grandmother. I feel like my dad and stepmom would rather go to see my sister's and their kids than come see the "other daughter" who doesn't have kids. It feels almost like they don't want to visit with me like they do my sisters because they don't want to see the pain that I feel. They both know that I have taken this all very hard and think that they may not fully understand what I am going through. It is like they don't know how to talk to me almost like I some sort of outsider. I sometimes feel that I am letting my family down because we don't have kids. I know that I am not but it just feels that way.

I would just let them know that you love them and are very happy that they have this gift from God and that they should enjoy each moment they have with their child good or bad and let them know that it hurts your feelings when they say some of the things they do.

The best advice I think that I can give you is let your mother and sister know that you would like to sit down and talk with them. Before going into the talk ask God to help you say how you feel but in a way that will not upset anyone.

Anytime I have had to have a talk like that and am scared of hurting someones feelings I ask God to help with words to say. In every instance I have been able to talk with that person(s) and say how I feel and come out of the conversation feeling much better and not upsetting anyone.

We can do all things through God we just have to have our heart open to receive his help.

I hope that this has helped. I will pray that you find a way to talk with your mother and sister.

God Bless!
Lauren

Steph

May 22nd, 2008 - 12:30 PM

Re: Coping with conversations about other's baby problems?

Perhaps this will sound a bit zealous, but it is one of the things my priest recommended to me. Try praying for a thankful, grateful heart. Start by making a list of all the blessings you DO have (I wake up every morning, I have a glorious savior in Jesus, I have a good husband, I have a supportive brother, I have a roof over my head and hot water to shower with, etc). I've found that if I spend less time praying for God to "give me a baby" or "make my heartache go away" and instead focus on what He has already given me, my attitude follows. It also helps to spend time in the Word and fellowshipping with loved ones. After all, God didn't call everyone to be a mother in the sense of physically giving birth! There are many ways in which we are called to minister to God's children!

As far as speaking with your sister, be up front and honest. Pray for calmness and love, so that you don't speak out of jealousy, but out of love, in the hope that her new child will not come between ya'll. Perhaps, she is speaking to you, because she trusts you to be a sympathetic ear...just someone who will listen and not judge her.

Laurie

May 22nd, 2008 - 6:55 PM

Re: Coping with conversations about other's baby problems?

You should gently tell your Mother & your sister how you feel. They should respect your feelings as much as you respect their's. Think about what your going to say and perhaps write it down before you say it. People who truly love you should hear how you feel and you should be able to express it. I hear your pain and it is very real. But, you must also remember that everything in this life happens for a reason when the time is right if it is right the Lord will give you a child. I had surgery twice before I was able to conceive. I remember that pain before when they told me I only had a 30% chance of ever having a child. That was the only thing in my life that I ever truly wanted. My only dream was of having a baby. Now he's 21 and a royal pain. Be careful what you wish for, just kidding. Anyway express yourself in a healthy way that is best for you and your family.
Love to you all & keep the faith he is there.

	Support for endometriosis sufferers Welcome! You are not alone. I hope you find hope and many friends here! Please show respect for my Christian faith . This site is not a substitute for Dr. visits. NO soliciting please. Lori
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Emily Apr 27, 08 - 7:36 PM	Coping with conversations about other's baby problems? I have been dealing with this issue for a while. I pray about it. And it still seems to cause problems for me. So, I decided to ask the experts...THAT'S YOU!! Background: I was diagnosed with endo last year. I have been in PAIN for years (don't know why it took the doctors so long to get to the diagnosis). Had surgery - still in pain. And my husband and I have wanted to start a family for 5+ years. My sister recently had a baby. Almost everyday, I hear from her or from my mother about the latest issue with the baby. Sleep problems. Breastfeeding issues. Colic. Etc. While I am thrilled to have a new nephew, it takes every bone in my body to refrain from saying, "Just be thankful that you have a healthy baby." I would never actually respond this way, but I'm trying to find a way to explain to them that they shouldn't always focus on the negatives of having a baby. Not only is it hurting my feelings (because I would LOVE to have a baby). But who knows how many other friends/family members are suffering silently as I am? Any advice? How do I bring up this subject without starting an argument? Your Age (optional) 36
Nettie Apr 28th, 2008 - 9:48 AM	Re: Coping with conversations about other's baby problems? Dear Emily, You sound like a sweet sister and a wonderful Aunt. It took me six and a half years with two miscarriages to have my second baby. And When I had my first miscarriage, someone I knew, very close to me said that they where happy that it wasn't them that had lost their children. From a perspective of one with kids(and a sister who is older than me whom has no kids), I believe it to be wise NOT to say anything out of frustration or anguish of heart. God knows exactly how you feel, Just as he did Hanna, Samuel's Mother from the bible. I can tell you that when I had my second, he was a colicky baby who screamed day and night for three years straight. My body was racked to the point that I shaked everywhere I went and had huge cysts all over my face. My ears are very sensitive so I cried every day. My hormones where so waked that people wanted to stay away from me( I had post tramatic depression really bad, so much that I did a lot of things that I regret). Colic is a real nightmare. My son is now four and suffers from acid indigestion so he throws up often. Something that is extremely hard to handle because I hate barf. On my birthday he had to get stitches in his mouth because my other son dropped him on his face .I started my cycle on my birthday at the same time. And going grocery shopping with three is a nightmare. Talk about people staring and saying things like, "well you got your hands full" Sometimes I want to say YEP!, But, "Full of blessings", comes out instead because God reminds me that they are a gift from Him on loan. My other son who is now ten was born 4 lbs IUGR. I threw up so much with my first and gained no weight (I weighed 125,and 115 before I got pregnant with him) that they had to get the baby out early. I was in labor for 28 hours crying and begging the doctor to give me a C-section. She refused, and when it was time, the baby was FEET first, so she ripped him out feet first which could have killed him. I was ripped from front to back and couldn't go to the bathroom for days. When I got my chocolate cyst removed from the endo, I had to watch both kid does. It was so hard,because I had felt like I couldn't move. Then when I had my third, I began to nurse. It hurt so bad that I shook in my bed like a fish wanting to give up. I cried for days. All of this is not to ramble about how bad rearing children are, or to boast, or how I wish that I had a different life. I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I couldn't possibly keep quiet about my experience because a baby brought into this world changes your life and the life of your families, drastically. My mother in law was so goo goo over my two kids, she was the grandma of grandmas. It bothered me sometimes because It was spoil time. But If I can go back in time I would change my out look. For my Mother-in-law went to be with Jesus two years ago, and had little time with her grand babies. One of the things that comforted her departer was that she would be meeting two of her grandchildren in heaven. All this talking is to say, no matter what.... the experiences will only grow. But You can ask your sister and mother to be sensitive around you about their negative experiences. Only because you are wishing and praying for a miracle baby.But as a mom you have to let it out to someone or else you will go insane. This is the way God created women. It's ok to say, JUST BE THANKFUL. (of course in a sweet way).Maybe, "Thank God the baby cries with strong lungs", or that you can breast feed, or something of that nature. Sometimes that wakes up all that complaining and gripping that moms do about their kids and the experiences that they face every day. Believe me I have some exhausting stories. Mine are with me day and night. They are not bad. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but a little peace and quiet, I would ask for at least one day. May the lord give you wisdom, and I hope that your family can pray with you and talk it over with you some of your concerns. Love, Nettie P.S. I wish that my sisters where close enough to be a part of my children's lives. I'll bet you are the best Aunt anyone could ever ask for.
Christina May 20th, 2008 - 3:26 AM	Re: Coping with conversations about other's baby problems? I guess I went through the same thing as you did except people have always walked on egg shells around me. I had my miscarrage 6 years ago, I didn't want to try an have kids after that, it was so tramatic. I still don't have children but thats by choice which makes it even worse that they feel like they need to be extra careful around me. As I have, if I were you, I would drive into being a aunt and find out what it is like to want to complain about babies. You have idealized in your head the life of a mother. Maybe I can't have children, it hasn't happen by accident yet with no protection. I don't know but by no means am I unaware of what my sister in laws go through. I've sat up nights with them, been in restraunts with them screaming, and changed many a diaper and they still walk on egg shells! I wonder now if I gave them a reason. I wish they won't, I don't have a problem being married 7 years without children, I want a house so my children can play on grass, my time will come. So will yours!!! Enjoy the baby and complain with them. Learn what you can so you don't make the same mistakes they have with their children. I know its hard but look at their side. That baby can heal your heart. Email address dotter_@hotmail.com Your Age (optional) 28
Brandfam May 21st, 2008 - 6:22 PM	Re: Coping with conversations about other's baby problems? Hey Emily! I understand what you are going through. My husband and I have been trying for 3 years to have kids. We have had 5 miscarriages over the past 3 years. I know what it is like to want kids and see people close to you have kids or call and give you their good news about being pregnant. A friend of mine had a baby a couple of months ago and almost everytime I talk with her she is saying how her child won't sleep, or she is having troubles with him eating, or she is not getting enough sleep. I try so hard not to say something that I am going to regret. I love that she has a child but I feel that she is focusing more on the negative parts of being a parent. On the other hand I have my stepmom calling and saying how my sister's kids are doing so good and that she is so glad to be a grandmother. I feel like my dad and stepmom would rather go to see my sister's and their kids than come see the "other daughter" who doesn't have kids. It feels almost like they don't want to visit with me like they do my sisters because they don't want to see the pain that I feel. They both know that I have taken this all very hard and think that they may not fully understand what I am going through. It is like they don't know how to talk to me almost like I some sort of outsider. I sometimes feel that I am letting my family down because we don't have kids. I know that I am not but it just feels that way. I would just let them know that you love them and are very happy that they have this gift from God and that they should enjoy each moment they have with their child good or bad and let them know that it hurts your feelings when they say some of the things they do. The best advice I think that I can give you is let your mother and sister know that you would like to sit down and talk with them. Before going into the talk ask God to help you say how you feel but in a way that will not upset anyone. Anytime I have had to have a talk like that and am scared of hurting someones feelings I ask God to help with words to say. In every instance I have been able to talk with that person(s) and say how I feel and come out of the conversation feeling much better and not upsetting anyone. We can do all things through God we just have to have our heart open to receive his help. I hope that this has helped. I will pray that you find a way to talk with your mother and sister. God Bless! Lauren Email address brandfamlj@yahoo.com
Steph May 22nd, 2008 - 12:30 PM	Re: Coping with conversations about other's baby problems? Perhaps this will sound a bit zealous, but it is one of the things my priest recommended to me. Try praying for a thankful, grateful heart. Start by making a list of all the blessings you DO have (I wake up every morning, I have a glorious savior in Jesus, I have a good husband, I have a supportive brother, I have a roof over my head and hot water to shower with, etc). I've found that if I spend less time praying for God to "give me a baby" or "make my heartache go away" and instead focus on what He has already given me, my attitude follows. It also helps to spend time in the Word and fellowshipping with loved ones. After all, God didn't call everyone to be a mother in the sense of physically giving birth! There are many ways in which we are called to minister to God's children! As far as speaking with your sister, be up front and honest. Pray for calmness and love, so that you don't speak out of jealousy, but out of love, in the hope that her new child will not come between ya'll. Perhaps, she is speaking to you, because she trusts you to be a sympathetic ear...just someone who will listen and not judge her. Email address rayman.steph@gmail.com Your Age (optional) 23
Laurie May 22nd, 2008 - 6:55 PM	Re: Coping with conversations about other's baby problems? You should gently tell your Mother & your sister how you feel. They should respect your feelings as much as you respect their's. Think about what your going to say and perhaps write it down before you say it. People who truly love you should hear how you feel and you should be able to express it. I hear your pain and it is very real. But, you must also remember that everything in this life happens for a reason when the time is right if it is right the Lord will give you a child. I had surgery twice before I was able to conceive. I remember that pain before when they told me I only had a 30% chance of ever having a child. That was the only thing in my life that I ever truly wanted. My only dream was of having a baby. Now he's 21 and a royal pain. Be careful what you wish for, just kidding. Anyway express yourself in a healthy way that is best for you and your family. Love to you all & keep the faith he is there. Email address ltaylor550@aol.com Your Age (optional) 46