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Re: how can this be right when it feels so wrong |
| Name: |
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Reen |
| Date Posted: |
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Oct 11, 05 - 3:50 AM |
| Message: |
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Just when i think i have made good process, then it hits me again HARD!!! and i just wanna throw in the towel and say to hell with it! just the fact that this guy is no longer coming on AT ALL with any of the mushy stuff HE laid on hard in the beginning makes me really think that he has lost interest ALREADY, and that im to be made a fool of again, trying to get that lovely feeling back.... i'd rather die, cuz i just don't trust that i will be able to see him and be around him if he is going to be so nonchalant and disinterested, without losing it. In the vacuum i will step in to fill it and pretend it isn't there, that is my nature, meaning i will start doing all the work. i've done that before and we know that ends up so humiliating and self defeating. And then all the anger about it will burst thru and i cant let that happen either of course. But also know its not wise to ask him about it either since i have never gotten a man to tell the truth in that regard in the past. actions have always spoken the truth. Maybe it was all just lust on his part after all, and knowing he has to wait makes him not bother. Well, i dont think it is wise for me to spend any more time with him. much as i want to. because ive become a wreck already. altho it breaks my heart due to the disappointment because i have wanted something good for so long. i would love so to be with him if he were the same person i met orginally. WHAT happened to that person??? I have NOT been intimate with him tho I'm afraid he will just continue to treat me like he really isnt all that interested just because he thinks he Has me hooked enough to continue anyway. He probly doesnt mean to be like that. idk i always think the best of pp and i always try to understand and be tolerant and that has been a big mistake in the past. I really dont think he means to be like that but i've been warned about the lenghths that a man will go to to get sex, even subcounsiously fooling himself, but still i just dont understand why he is being so nonchalant, since that will ruin his chances anyway. why do i have to go thru this???? This guy is no dreamboat, but still they always seem to have illusions about themselves somehow. how can this be my reflection? I love myself! how can this be right? i just want to disappear and let him just wonder what happened to me. Being a doormat is a mistake that much i do know so i feel i have no choice in this. Tho it will be hard, this is probly even harder! If i disappear i can just process until my heart is clear again. and not heap more insult upon injury once again. Chuck, maybe its not a step in the rite direction after all, I'm a basket case again. Tell me, i'm rite to call this off before i make it worse. I cant deny these strong feelings of anger and upset and sadness and rejection and not really being wanted. i have to stop it now. |
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PhaseIII by chuck · Oct 12, 05 - 6:51 AM
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