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Re: Re: Re: how can this be right when it feels so wrong |
| Name: |
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Reen |
| Date Posted: |
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Oct 11, 05 - 10:11 PM |
| Message: |
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Chuck, in the past a discussion has often only let the guy lie to me. And in this case, he will just see me insecure, and very undesirable trait in a potential mate. Plus i've been crying non-stop, and witnessing my mental breakdown would scare anyone away. A basket case is not desirable. I've been described as the strongest, most independent, and admirable person by my younger friends. But now they see a pathetic mess. What a role model I am. Maybe I'm just incapable of a romantic relationship. It's apparently too fkg hard for me. When i try it becomes a nightmare. I must just not be ready. It breaks my heart, but I cant deny my feelings, as so many sources tell you to do. How long will i have to cry before i can be normal again, how long will i have to hide. I know it's tedious having to counsel pp like me. Apparently I have no faith in this situation. I have fixed most everything else in my life but I fear he will be gone completely gone by the time i work this thru, if he isnt already. I suspect I have revealed myself already to not be what he had hoped for. This fellow was my last effort. I know I wont ever try again, i am 51 now and I wont have the courage. I will not be willing. My self-esteen gets more damaged every time by the unhealthiness of it. The initial thrill is like a drug, and then the letdown to painful. I feel it is more of an addiction than a healthy move. If I talk to him when i am like this,it would be the end for sure. It would be like taking the drug and having it be a really bad trip. The bottom line is that i am scared beyond belief, cant stop crying, incapable of having anything less than a complete show of my complete and utter vulnerability and lack of faith. And complete broken heartedness. this is not a time to have any contact or conversation with anyone. |
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PhaseIII by chuck · Oct 12, 05 - 6:51 AM
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