| Subject: |
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Update |
| Name: |
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Jen |
| Date Posted: |
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Dec 27, 05 - 9:32 PM |
| Message: |
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Hi Chuck,
I thought I would keep you updated on my progress. I moved back in with my parents. After several weeks of being incredibly fatigued and having no energy, I surprised my entire family and myself by "losing it" on Christmas and raging at my Mother. I've always been a "good" daughter who is always smiling and cracking jokes. It took everybody by surprise, especially ME! My inner child had a full blown primal.
The funny thing is that before I exploded I had been feeling impressed with how "far" I had come in my recovery because I wasn't "feeling" angry at them. My feelings were deeply, deeply repressed.
The irony is that it was the worst and the best day of my life. It started with feeling hurt over a gift and escalated to a full blown anger-fest. I found myself accusing my Mother of things she did when I was a kid and I screamed and wailed. I had no control over this flood of emotions that came out of me. She accused me of making it up and glared at me in contempt and I snapped. I just went crazy, I yelled over and over that there was nothing wrong with me and to stop saying that there was something wrong with me because she was the one who was wrong. I screamed that her parents were wrong. I yelled that there was nothing disgusting about feeling sad and that it was OKAY to have feelings. Stuff was coming out of my mouth that I didn't even know I felt. I accused her of never playing with me as a kid and sleeping all the time. Consciously, I had forgotten about that until it came out of my mouth.
My inner child was furious. I told my Mother that I "gave up on her" and that I wanted her "out of my life". I punched a door and a garbage can. Mind you, I have always prided myself on being a passive, non-violent woman who wouldn't hurt a fly. I was crazed.
After the storm was over I cried and cried. I am still crying.
I expected certain death (not that they would kill me it just felt like it to my inner child), I broke the "family" rules and I was sure to be rejected by my family. The amazing thing is that my Mother and I made peace with each other that day. We both cried for hours and we talked and talked and laughed and smiled and hugged and it was WONDERFUL. She shared some of the abuses of her childhood and how she has a hard time expressing her emotions. She apologized and told me that she loved me. We cried together. We cried about her childhood and we cried about my childhood.
In some of my previous posts I expressed a frustration in not being able to feel my feelings. For example, I knew that I was angry but couldn't connect or feel the energy of anger in my body. I know why. I've found that my BIG issue is shame and that I have completely disassociated with it. The energy is actually stored in my stomach area. I have been so disassociated from the feeling of shame and from my TRUE SELF that I haven't been able to FEEL my feelings because I COMPLETELY disassociated from them. I haven't even been ME. I had completely rejected my true self, therefore I could not connect to my real feelings. I thought that I had overcome SHAME, but I hadn't even felt it yet. I was too busy avoiding it.
Anyway, I'm working on coming back to my true self. The integration is unbelievably confusing but I am getting closer to accepting my true self and leaving this fake accepted self that I created. As I accept my true self more I FEEL my feelings more and now I cry all the time. I have started accepting the feeling of shame and now I can feel it. I blush now too. Sometimes I still try to project it on to others but I am aware of it now and that is HUGE. I am loving and accepting my true self who is insecure and anxious and who feels "less than" and unworthy. THAT is the real me. Before I used to talk about my feelings and AROUND my feelings but now I actually FEEL them! :)
It's unbelievable. It's painful too but really really fantastic at the same time.
Oh...I can also look my Mother in the eyes now. I feel happy when I do.
I have so much energy and creative ideas flowing through me and things feel really good. I finally have some hope.
Happy Holidays!
Jen |
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