From the very begenning I have always been the nicer guy. And always told I was a nice guy. Most of my relationships ended being told I was too nice. I ended up starting with a woman that manipulated me and have been seeking girls eversense and getting hurt everytime.

I have realized that sense the first one, I have went from girl to girl not realizing why the relationships didn't work. I hated myself for it. No confidence at all and I would admit it. And it just got worse and worse. And has just happened again. Until I found this site.

Looking back in my life I had created a domino effect for everyone around me and myself. After the first time I was in a relationship I was caught in the sweet and sour. Back and forth. I began thirsting for that simple praise that was not worth the work that was put in to get it. But it was still praise. I then dated another girl who was showing the behavior. Then the next and so on and so forth.

The entire time I did not see the signs. My brainwash, if that is the right term, was so extensive over such a period of time I can look back and see a trend that I had eventually began looking for it. I had literally set my aim unknowingly for abusive women. I admit I have been told that a time or two but did not listen cause I was still confused. I was made blind.

I have been engadged twice and it has done some damage. Many people can simply observe me and just know something isn't right. My first engadgement did not hurt as much as the second, however will now last forever. And It has taken my family, my friends, my home... Everything.

I enlisted in the military in 05. And after training I proposed to my girlfriend while home on leave. She would get angry that I would not spend every moment on the phone while working out of state. While on the ship I had actually formed a habit of rushing out of work spending many hours on the phone then be tired when I got back to work. A shipmate at one point lost his electricity and sense they had a fire place I bought them some fire wood to keep warm. And in the mix they offered if I wanted to stay the night at their apartment and I would have breakfast. She was enraged questioning me. Telling me that it was inappropriet to be spending the night at a married couples house.

Things got worse over time and then she called me while I was playing a game of pool and she heard a girls voice in the background. I was at the liberty lounge on base and was not into getting trouble. She cut off the egadgment almost immediatly shouting "I dont want you hanging out with people I dont know. Its over."

Between returning home from military service to home I had been engadged another time. Ending pretty bad, yet, on close to every instance when I was left, they had a new oppertunity. Well, in returning home I find my 1st exfiance standing in my parents house pregnant. Now, This was not my child, this was my brothers child.

I did not know that my brother had dated her before we had even gotten together, and when they had broken up she came to me. Now she is back with my brother yet again and with child trying to raise her the best he can. When going to dinner my mother and brother would talk and for no reason she would start crying. She would even watch us peeking from around walls and doorways and flirt with my friends and other relatives. My brother is just trying to live in what he made. I could not take anymore cause I was hurting kowing what my brother was going through and I didn't even want to see it. I moved outside in the driveway into my car and would just stay there all day everyday sleeping, thinking, talking on the phone. As long as I was not in the house I was happy.

It escalated and I finally left the state with no idea where I was going, what I was going to do, but I had my last paycheck, a old 74 belair that had set for years before I had bought it, and a few clothes. My friends themselves that I had turned out to have adopted me for the same reason as the women I have dated.

I lost my friends to it, my family because of it, and my well being.
It is serious and even now that I have moved it is both up and down like passing seasons. I now know what to look for thanks to this site.

And I hope my loving brother finds this site aswell.

Hi Joe,

Thank you for sharing your experience. Let me also thank you and express my gratitude for your service to us. I have great respect for our servicemen and women and our veterans. Your sacrifice for our security is deserving of more appreciation than you receive. I salute you.

It has been many years since I served. I am certain many things have changed. Do you have access to military services? You certainly do if still on active duty. You may have access if you are in the reserves. The reason I ask is because I want to suggest you see a counselor. If you have access to military healthcare, it will cost you nothing. A counselor or therapist can help lead you to a better understanding of yourself. Serving in the military can have adverse effects on the human psyche. I don't know your experiences while serving our country, but some things that happen can mess with your head. Basic training itself is a head game. I'm just saying, there may be something more you need to explore.

Peace my fellow veteran.

Joe,

much gratitude for sharing your pain with us.. You have been through the fire and have earned your spot on this board..
You are like me.. constantly getting in relationships with emotionally unavailable women..
I for one.. had an emotionally unavailable parent.. and grew up in a hostile environment.. I have also found that this sets us up to pic romantic partners that fit the role of one of our parents..

Keep in mind.. that you are the victim here.. You did nothing wrong other than maybe enabling the abusers actions.. We all did this..

You have taken the first step and recognised the problem.. that your woman "picker" is broken.. and you have a part to play in it..

I'm a recovering codependant.. as you probably know.. that may be something for you to look into..

There are two sides to the coin here... You being the Empath or nice guy/ and those that prey on your empathy..

Now that we know the dance.. how do we protect ourselves from repeating it.. Well recovery is a life long journey.. but you can get solid defences up pretty quickly.. and those boundaries with help protect you.. Now... that being said.. you will go through pain for a while.. don't think that there is something wrong with you... it is just like when you get a cut on your skin.. even after the cut has coagulated and is closed up.. it will still hurt to the touch.. this is the healing process at work...

Boundaries.. there is a book called "where to draw the line".. read it..cuz that is the answer..

As kids we didn't learn from our parents to protect ourselves.. mostly because we usually were victimized then too.. and an abuser doesn't want you to have boundaries.. that would block their "payoff"

A must read IMO.. is "The wizard of Oz and other Narcissists" I believe this book is the bible for our recovery.. it sets the foundation of knowledge.. then we can add to it with this forum and scouring the internet for answers.. As I've mentioned before.. I read this book cover to cover three times straight.. Trust me.. you will not be able to put it down...

You are already on the path of recovery.. I can read it in your words.. You will learn to have healthy relationships.. it will come in its own time.. for now.. YOU are the focus.. time for you to be selfish.. in a good way... and remember that having healthy boundaries will tick some people off and that is OK.. hold to your assertiveness.. cuz this is your life you are fighting for...

I'm truly sorry for the torture(literally) these women have caused you..you did not deserve it.. and I know you have endured so much more manipulation, distortions and evilness than what is reflected in your post.. Cuz your story is like most of ours.. and this board is one of the few places.. where people are going to know exactly what you are talking about...

Rich,

Well said.. in agreeance on all counts as usual...

Thank you everyone

I have gotten myself in a better situation after moving away. It got my back to responsibility. My greatly loved brother is still in the situation and has made it aware his innerself is screaming for help.

When I was back with the family the friction between him, her and myself I was unable to cope. I couldn't handle it. Just going inside that house made me uncomfortable. Yeah.. I had to leave. It was for the best. And I am now doing wonderful.

Not to far back this year my mother planned a vacation trip to Florida, it was planned that she was not going. Well, she said she was not going to go. However, the day before they left she had changed her mind and when I met up with them in Florida she was there. I swallowed hard and hoped the cramped car ride was not goin to be to bad. I admit it started off ok but as it prolonged it got horrible. Now this is throughout the whole trip. I also saw signs of common behavior from their daughter and that has me worried as well.

I want to help my brother but he is afraid he may lose his daughter. He pulls his hair out and not only that I hear his health has gone down too. I do know that he will be taking an internship near where I live.

I am hoping when he comes this will give him that 'freedom' from her and help our brother relationship in the process. However, I know how manipulative she is. She will hold the child against him or purposly manipulate things to have it her way and if she doesn't she explodes with a mixture of violent, screaming, crying, almost psycotic out bursts that fluctuate like a roller coaster.

He knows I will not have her here. But taking this oppertunity in his life is very important for him. But I have no idea how it is going to work with their daughter. Me simply inviting him could become the best thing for him. However, it could also be the worst thing that happends if she has anything to say about it.

What choice should I make?

Joe,

Glad you are doing better...

As far as your question about your brother... ask him if he wants your help and if so.. what you can do....

We want to be careful about rescuing.. when it isn't invited...