She used to always tell me she couldn't remember anything from her childhood. (Huge red flag of sociopathy) I spent SO MUCH time away from my family devoted to her in order to make her happy and feel better for 2 years straight. I guess it meant nothing to her and didn't matter. My family would always comment on how I was always alone talking to her online/over phone, and my message returns show how much effort and of my soul I poured into it for so long. I stopped looking at her assclown mug online and talking to her altogether (NC for 11 months now). However, yesterday she sent a message to a friend of mine when he asked her if she would be sad/care if I died or something hapened to me. She said, "Thanks for telling me (that she hurt me) but I really don't care if he's ******* I'm done with him and he's out of my life. My life is a million times better without him.I don't want him dead, i just said everyone dies which is true so eventually he's going too." My friends, I wanted SO BADLY to call her and curse her out but I held it back. What to do about that?! I still have some of her family online, haven't talked to them in a long time. I would really sincerely do appreciate advice on this from as many of you as possible!! :( Those of you who have read my post know about her self-destructive behavior before I started talking to her. She told me that without me she was thinking of suicude 24/7, would have been an alcoholic, worn "emo" clothes and makeup all the time(which she did), and would have eventually died. However, when she broke up with me last year she said she would have been just fine without me and she was just a scene girl. When I met her, she idealized me for my preferences/likes/interests/hobbies. Only 16 months later, she started telling me I was a loser etc. for liking history/politics and everything else I was into and that she would have to leave me because all her friends hated me, since I wasn't in thier band click and because of my interests. She never stood up for me, nor when they were ridiculing me for my faith. Only a couple days after we broke up she started with the new guy (whom she had cheated on me with), and they've been happilly together now for 11 months. For a whole summer and year that her I were talking she was always texting me all day and night having me give her therapy for her internal hurt from the 1st guy (from 7th grade?). Then she says that she would have been fine without me? She used to keep pictures of me in her room and on her phone to "keep her going" when "nobody else cared about her". Seriously though, after what I just saw her send to my friend I have barely any feelings for her anymore and want to just tell her to GFH, but what would you guys do in my shoes?

How about "sounds like you got problems"........and if they push the save me button....."your problem don't make it mine". Works for me now.

No sir I was not......I went through it all....got sucked back in 8 times and finally at apogee cut loose......done, finished, et al. It is hard to see when you are spinning into the vortex and much easier to see from a distance. Saving them is akin to saving the titanic by swimming hard at the end of a rope. We are all kinda "blinded by the light" a la Springsteen.

Shame you erased your last post. I was at that point several times with the crazy. When you look into the abyss the abyss looks into you. Sorry if I offended you.

My best song for the ex is "I can't save you Angeline" by Seger........not on YouTube any more.

Can not copy the lyrics but they are here:

http://mysite.verizon.net/silverbulletfan/Myst-Angelene.html

I see this as a backhanded hover. Stay NC

It's the old switcharoo. She says "she's over you, you mean /meant nothing to her": you get mad, you say something if only through a 3rd party and.........bingo.....all in one fell swoop, she's knows shes already punished you (for not playing by her rules)because you've taken the bait, ....youve infringed NC, she's got her hit of negitive NS FROM YOU and finally she feels superior, you feel like crap...

Meanwhile....sod all changes


No contact.means don't bite the hooks no matter how good the bait looks.....it IS a trap.

Don't fight their fight- fight yours ! Dont be fooled this IS is a fight even if you don't want to fight, (bet you've felt that huh?), and she is fighting. You will never win if you fight their fight. They are masters of the art. Stay NC

Take care out there.

Thank you very much The New Me. I was thinking along very similar lines. Her self esteem and sense of self are so low that in order for her to feel good about herself, she has to see me in pain to give herself a sense of power. Sick and evil. I really hope I did not BREAK NC :( I'll keep up my fight like you said and won't play any of her sick games, as I've been doing almost a year now. I'll stay away from her hooks and won't bite any of the bait. She's evil and doesn't deserve to be happy nor will she ever. Thanks a lot bro

Thanks Ill read into that. That was nice of you to share with me, I appreciate it.

I'm not offended, I w just worried that I offended you because I jumped to an irrational conclusion that you were saying something you weren't. I misunderstood what you said, but now I get it. Thanks. Pretty deep stuff, but that's just how these creatures are I guess.

Do nothing--ignore it--no reason to break NC you are on a role--continue!

Thank you! I will do just that :) Hey, I really hope I didn't break NC since I've been at it almost a year! I have not looked at in person, talked to, or given the slightest light of day to her since way back then. Takes a ton of willpower considering I devoted two years of my life to her and only her and maki her feel better, leaving my own needs and dreams alone. She knows that I saw the message she sent my friend, but I don't nessisarily say that counts as contact with her.

Here's something I don't understand - She used to always tell me her family was worried that she would jump off a cliff (literally) when they went camping because she was so destroyed over her ex, and throughout my brieft romantic experience with her she would fluctuate between how much she loved me. I was her "soul mate" the "love of her life" then I would be her "very best friend". What convinced me was she gave me an 8x10 picture of us for my birthday.You guys are right. She DID drain me like a mosquito. I don't really get how she can be happier than ever in her life for 4 months then suddenly become miserably depressed and borderline insane, eventually tossing me out for the new guy. What bothered me is just DAYS after we split (which nearly killed me, emotionally) I saw her walking out of school happy as ever holding hands with the new guy and walking with her lesbian friend (Who I am pretty sure had affairs with her before me now that I think about it. I would be miserably depressed and text my ex and try to talk some sense in to her or ask her to apologize but she would tell me goodnight and dismiss me because she didn't want to fight, or just said, "I know I'm awful. I really am sorry." (Short Answering). She would ignore me. The new guy doesn't seem to be experiencing the cycles that I did. They still seem happy as ever. I remember her cousin texted me and said, "I'm not sure how likely it is that you two will get back together because her and D***** were really happy together at the movie, best you move on bud." I agree and understand all of you when you tell me these are the kind of girls/women who just keep sucking the energy and life from you unitl they're bored or have taken all they want from you; are no longer interested, then discard. However she put me in the "white knight" armor saying all her ex's left her and she never left anyone blah blah blah... I still have the letters she typed and wrote me about her ex and how miserable her life was before she met me, and I remember how just days after she met me she kept a picture of me in her room on her nightstand as well as the gifts I bought for her. She kept that picture too, her mother sent me a photo of it. That was a long time ago though. Her and the new guy are on almost a year, and they're still acting madly in love/dry humping/facebook post love bombing etc..

Hello Hey,

Some details : she says she doesn't care if you're ****: this is just a show. She's just putting out a projection that she does great now, remember narcs are allergic to talking about their own feelings. Plus she might be fishing for the next victim, so she's basically advertising that she's available and looking. If she would indicate she has any feelings/remorse or whatever for you, all of this would blocked off and it would ruin her plans.

So there you have it,my friend, you've been cheated by a pro. No need to go back to it, keep the NC, and start working on your acceptance/recovery.

There are people like that out there, you just were not aware of it before. Learn and live on.

So, her and the new guy of 11 months aren't going to get married?

Honestly though that just makes me mad since he took her from me and told her he's cared about her longer than me (not true)and she cheated with him. It made me feel like crap how just 3 days after we broke up she started with the new guy. May I add: He's super short, and since he feels bad about himself he's an a$$ to everybody to compensate and he's in with her and all her douchebag friends. He didn't put 2 yeasrs of time and emotional energy and love into making her happy and feel better like I did. You say he will suffer the same fate, because narcs are like a broken record? He will experience the same cycle if he ever criticizes her or isn't constantly feeding her NS?

He will.experience the cycle.....but the cycle shifts a bit (not too much) in search of.perfect......and the next perfect is coming.

I'm kinda taking offense to the short part. Don't fool with Napoleon!

I think she might have felt SOME guilt/regret because my friend was texting her and giving her a guilt trip about me and she said, "PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT HEY" in all caps when it was getting too hard to keep up the "my life is a million times better without him" thing. Is that real or what?

Another thing is she is easily maniipulated herself!! Interesting for a narc since they're the manipulative ones, right? She believes anything her friends say about me.

You saw the bit where the week old wife pushed New hubby off a cliff right? She did not want to be married......only wanted a wedding. That is what they are about.

When you put it that way, it makes sense. To a narc that is. I'm starting to believe that she's putting on a show/projection for me to see. You mention she's allergiv to talking about her feelings. That's true. She probably actually feels like crap but wants to show the exact opposite to get some sick sense of power over me and her own shortcomings.

There ya go!

Now you're getting it - But the idea that she feels like crap is a delusion. it was.........IS........All a bloody act. There is bugger all there.....nada! Empty vessels and all that. Zero feelings - don't be fooled by a show of affection, happiness, it's put on for the FNG, other cronies (to show how fab- u- less her life is now) and if possible YOU... My cash says sooner or later you'll have the "you ment nothing" speach, and that'll hurt like hell because you'll since the truth in that.

Everyone here knows the pain, some more than others.....we're all having to cope with the fact we were just a disposable commodity.

Read, learn, listen, write....get yourself back.

AH HA!! In that case, then she does not love the new guy either! She is the same empty vessel with him, she's just putting on an act for her friends and herself. She used to tell me when someone hurt her/didn't love (like) her back it would "embed in her mind and constantly tear her apart" and she had that problem everyday but I "cure her". Yeah, that really hurts like Hell but HEY it's better I know the cold truth right? That I was an interchangeable object in her machine/play. Knowing the relationship was entirely one-sided is devastating :( However like you said we are all brother on here and all know pain and all have been through a very similar injustuce. At least I know I'm a person with a heart unlike her.

TNM, "Fab-u-less"...LOL!!! The irony speaks volumes! Way to go.

Why did my ex-N cry for hours and felt absolutely horrible when i found out about her affair (over the phone) and said she just wanted to take a break, then just 2 days later I see her holding hands with the new guy and happy as ever? I know what you guys mean by narcs are allergic to talking about thier feelings, she kept almost everything inside. One of the feaw things she actually admitted to me was she only speaks about 10% of what she thinks inside.

Viagra?....

Pmsl....

Hey

dont EVER under estimate the power of a woman to "turn on the waterworks".


especially a woman with a Personality Disorder.

people with Personality Disorders do not think the way we do and do not have the same range of emotions BUT most of them put a lot of effort to appear to be just like everyone else.

and you think she "felt absolutely horrible"?

my answer to that is no. i mean NO. no she did not feel horrible....chances are the primitive parts of her brain dominate her personality...

if you or anyone wants i can explain this further

Mark you are very close in a generic way. Mine would never cry. Said it was weak. Was brought up that way. But I could break her when I had to. Hurt me to do so but it resulted in normalcy for a while until buried worry overwhelmed her again. She was diagnosed BPD, I suspect bipolar based on predictable cycling, and the NPD flowed from both. Dealing with her was like having a pit bull fighting dog at a dog show. Wore my a$$ out. When mine broke and cried it was real......she hated herself for it and went on about that. I tired of the work.

That reminds me a lot of my ex-N. When she did cry and feel bad she would be completely normal and fine for a day or so, then she would revert back to her NPD patters almost over night.I hope the new guy is experiencing the same crap. They still act madly in love and it looks like she's been happy as ever. She's a section leader now in band and acts all "cool" at football games in front of everyone, and her and him still exchange love bombing posts online (I haven't looked, friends tell me) and they dry hump at school. She also acts completely different depending on who she's around, almost like she's an entirely different person. It's really annoying. SO, if that's the case then she's ALSO putting on an act for the new guy and has been for a year!! Is that right?!

Hey, I've gotta weigh in here. Your girl put you in the friend zone pretty early on, I think. Once you became her shoulder to cry on you ceased to be a viable person she would want to have sex with. Thus, her hamster prompted her to find the next guy who would give her 'gina tingles or someone who treated her like crap (as you say new guy does to everyone) as she is used to this kind of treatment and it makes her feel at home.

My advice is to cut her out. You said she wouldn't bat an eye if you died, cuz everybody dies eventually. So live like you are dead to her. If she calls, dont answer or better yet, block her number. If she texts, dont reply. You are wasting your life on a vampire. Trust me, I know.

"Her hamster"...LOL... ..."gina tingles"... . I swear I gotta remember this stuff. Gonna write a book on PDI "anal"ogies.

"The poodle chews"....

Soldier, I am a virgin. However that was pretty funny I must admit. When I first started talking to her I was the love of her life, I just waited a year to find outnifnshebreally did genuinely love me, I didn't want to rush into a relationship and I wanted to build off friendship first so I could trust her. Ok, so she likes the crappy treatment better from the new guy then because its the same she gives to people. As for contact, Im on 11 no contact now but thanks know your feedback :)

I kinda get from your post that you are a young guy. I guess I thought the hamster thing was funny at first too when I heard it. I didn't coin the phrase, it is an actual phenomenon that has bee around a few years. Urban dictionary defines it partly as follows:

Rationalization hamsters are thought to be a key component in producing liberal scholarly works, particularly those of feminism. Young, liberated women often rely on it to explain their attraction to the ******* who is going to pump and dump them, as well as their contempt for the nice guy who, unaware of the hamster within, strives fruitlessly to gain their true love. Older, liberated women also rely on it for dumping their husbands and using the resulting child support money on jewelery, cars and/or crack.
The adulterer: Well, it's okay to lie about cheating on him and say it's his baby, as long as his feelings aren't hurt!

Some dude: Whoa, you think it's okay to lie, cheat and commit paternity fraud on your man? Your rationalization hamster must be working overtime!

The adulterer: But it's not my fault I slept around, it kinda just happened! And those guys probably raped me because I don't really like them right now anymore...

Some dude: Hot dang, that's one tough hamster!

Point here is ALL WOMEN possess the hamster. The PD'd women vacillate from idealization (when you thought you were the love of her life) to devaluation (when she didn't care if you lived or died). Rational women, or those of higher moral character (my own opinion) can ignore the hamster or simply not put themselves in situations where the hamster's gonna spin like mad.

You should maintain no contact. Read up on Borderline Personality Disorder.

Perhaps the PDI is gifted with a "Grinning Pig" in place of a hamster. They sure do squeel louder!....

You know that pig is only grinning when they are being fockt. The rest of the time it is doing something else or maybe a menacing grin.

Maybe so....mine was always grinning when winning tho!

May I also add, her friends are a bunch of a-holes. Literally they are the meanest people I've ever known. She got rid of me because I was "too nice". I remember the day I found out she was cheating she acted all happy to see me in the halls and said, "It's ok Hey! I'm still yours!" and gave me a hug. My friend today told me that based off what I tell him she seems pshycotic.

Yep, you're getting the idea,

She actually IS a different person because there is no real person present. She morphs in to what ever she thinks they want. New Look, new tastes, new behaviour, a whole new person.

That was the toughest thing, you see the physical aspect of someone you loved but the personality is gone compleatly replaced by this woman you don't know. And you don't matter to the new version it's like you never happened, because to the new person.....you didn't .

For me, It took years to actually come to terms with that idea.

Her friends? - lets just say, sh it finds it's own level in the end.

Gents,

I gotta point out something to all of you here.

Most women are DRAMA queens.
Why?
Because for women life is EMOTIONS.

Everything is emotional.

Every situation in life creates a certain emotion in a person, and women LOVE to wallow in those emotions. They call it "feeling" a situation.

Their entire brain is built for emotions processing, so for women everything is judged by the emotion it creates in their head.

Since everything in life is an emotion, they will try to create the emotion they need at that moment. How? By projecting the situation from which they expect to get that emotion.

She's upset about you, and wants you to feel sorry? She will find something that you did not do perfectly, and give you an assreaming about it. Even if it is about a totally different subject : since the feeling that you are sorry is the most important for her at that moment, it does not matter how that feeling is created; even making up stories is allowed...

While growing up, women become masters at manipulation, to serve their emotional needs. People around them (including other women) get served with free drama shows, because she needs to feel a particular feeling.

While women understand that other females' words have to be taken with a dump truck of salt, we men fail miserably to understand that what a woman says is not what she means; it is a projection towards the feeling that she NEEDS.

Women view this as "serving their needs" (no harm done, right?).
For us men, who always compare words to reality, this is basically filed under lying, cheating, and manipulating.

Once you keep this principle in mind, it becomes a lot easier to keep distance from her words, and not get hurt extensively by the poison coming out of her mouth.

I try to force this point back into my gray matter whenever I interact with my wife, and I feel a hell of a lot better because of it.

Ok, class dismissed. Homeworks to be reported downstairs

Jack

I totally agree women do function on emotions.... yep!

NORMAL women.......... These aren't that - these (poor souls) have locked away any emotions, usually because of a trauma - they function on survival instinct. Their world is not coloured by a mix of emotions - just one (usually anger). Think how that would look if your TV just had one colour - not even black and white.

PDIs say and do anything to get what they need - and what they need is alien to us because we can't perceive the world as they do. It isn't what we poor buggers think they need since we judge them on our own standards - our Technicolor picture of the world isn't theirs.

A normal woman (like a man) will lie, fib, embellish manipulate sure - it's human. When we meet someone we assess the risk, we observe body language and make an informed judgement of the person based on experience, what we see and hear. The problem with a PDI is the risk is expertly hidden from us - THAT is what hurts so much with a PDI - we we're conned !

We've all been dumped by someone - thats normal and we shrug and get over it. We took a punt based on the information we were given - and lost. Now, on those occasions the information we were given was correct, even if we're manipulated it was for a perceivable reason (think gold digger - an understandable if unpleasant manoeuvre by a woman, and the man accepts the risk), a PDIs ISN'T like that- we're blindsided by a master AND for all the wrong (her's and her's alone) reasons!

It bloody hurts, makes us feel shame, duped and foolish, and often times leaves a legacy of zero confidence in our abilities to judge, low self esteem and creates a sh 1t storm in our lives.

how'd I do teach?

And a normal woman feels guilt.....sometimes a bit too much. Not to be played upon unless you are a sob.