Birdboy was spot on with this one. Got me thinking and I dug deep in my archives to find something I remembered. Always been a Shari Schreiber fan. As she says.....

" DAMSELS IN DISTRESS AND YOUR HERO COMPLEX:

When the Waif shared tales about former boyfriends or lovers who assaulted her, you were outraged. These accounts inspired your fierce need to protect her--while assuring yourself, it'll be different with you; why not--you're one of the "good guys!" During these storytellings, you were made to feel heroic, exceptional and uniquely unlike all the others. But no matter how convincing this woman is, you must resist the temptation to believe what she tells you. While it may be true that she was tormented or struck, you may soon come to realize how those men might have gotten pushed to the brink of violence. Borderlines have grown up with abuse and/or neglect--tragically (again), it's what feels natural. Waifs might finally leave their abusers, but they'll often hook up with another, and another, and another--and nice guys finish last.

The Waif seduces you with her fragility. If your childhood experiences turned you into a mediator, fixer or rescuer, this woman or man presents you with plenty of opportunities to feel powerful, in charge and in-control. You thrive on these, for they (temporarily) appease your need to be needed, which has formed the basis of your self-worth--but have you ever felt valued and loved for simply being, instead of doing?

Your Borderline might have been so insecure and needy, you felt reasonably certain she would never leave you--but at times, secretly hoped she would. Her physical disorders inspired your sympathy and determination to protect her, but you often marveled at how someone so young could be so sickly! For the most part, your relationship moved along pretty smoothly, until you tried to express any personal concerns or needs. The Waif can't handle that; after all, it's clearly been your job to take care of her. The minute you had a need, she either made you wrong for it, shut-down, punished you or left.

A Borderline waif is often hypochondriacal. Illness and ailments are usually the direct result of years of unresolved emotional trauma, which cannot help but manifest in the physical body. They've learned that people generally respond with sympathy to victims--whether their unfortunate plight is due to health or financial setbacks. You'll feel guilty if you don't do whatever you can to help this person, even if it's finding them lodgings, a job, food for their kid or dog to eat, paying for their car repairs, etc. What you don't get, is that the list never ends! You're never off the hook for bailing them out of one drama or another, and even when they swear "this is the last time," they'll still turn to you for help the next time there's a need. A sucker is born every day--and the brutal reality is, if you won't come to her rescue, the next 'hero' she bumps into, will. Borderlines are extremely resourceful, and there's always someone around who'll pick up the pieces of their pitiful life. Problem is, he'll be used and discarded, precisely as you have been.

If your BPD Waif cannot get you to rescue them by acting helpless/hopeless and pitiful, he/she will shut you out or rage at you. They're frustrated when their "poor me" tactics fail to get them what they want--and that's when you get lambasted for being a "bad" lover, son/daughter, therapist, etc. The waif mother persistently controls her children in this way. If they don't respond to her victim/martyr act, there's literally hell to pay. The rejection, shame and guilt they're forced to endure, isn't worth failing to respond to her demands.

The Waif deflects your efforts to guide her/him toward more productive or effective solutions with "-buts"--or rkeeps shifting the topic, which is exasperating. Borderlines are wired differently than you! Accept it.

You must begin to realize that you will never save the Waif. The only time Waifs make progress with reference to healing or growth, is within a unique, extended-term therapeutic alliance that can help them recover from painful, buried core trauma. If they are committed to achieving wholeness/wellness during this process, they might improve. Some of these individuals will be able to create productive lives and form balanced, healthy attachments--and some will not. How do I know this? I've worked with plenty of 'em."

This excerpt covers a lot of concerns recently voiced on here. When it comes to the cluster B types your head spins.....then you find there are at least 3 types of BPD. Generally Witch, Queen, and Waif. Waif is often the most dangerous.

Seems to be 4 types......never met a hermit. I believe the following gives correct kudos.....

" A Fairy-Tale Model

In her book, Understanding the Borderline Mother, author Christine Ann Lawson (2000) uses fairy-tale personalities—the waif, the queen, the hermit, the witch—to describe borderline traits. While these categories can help you identify the disorder and its various aspects and help you under-stand your childhood experience, people with BPD or its traits may at times exhibit behavior that overlaps categories. As you read the following brief descriptions based on Lawson's work, which applies to men and women alike, keep in mind that your parent may show characteristics of more than one type, and different people within your family may have been exposed to different traits.

The Waif The waif feels like a helpless victim. She (or he) may appear social but never really engage with others on a deeper level. She may be "inap‐propriately open" and then reject those with whom she's just shared; "fish for compliments" and then deny them; complain and then wave away suggestions and offers of help. The waif feels hopeless and anticipates negativity, even before she has any evidence that it might be in store. Characteristics of a waif parent include permissiveness, alternately spoiling and neglecting children, and using fantasies of a fairy tale life to distract from reality. The waif is more likely to cry than rage, and to suf‐fer from anxiety and depression. Messages from a waif parent may include: Life is so hard; nobody loves me; I have it a lot worse than you/others.

The Queen

The queen feels empty yet entitled. She yearns for material wealth, beauty, attention and loyalty. Queen parents may compete with a child for attention, feel jealous of their child's achievements or attributes and act in selfish and domineering ways. When others comment on or challenge the queen's beliefs or behavior, she may paint them as the enemy. Characteristics of a queen parent include expecting his or her children to see things the same way and to be loyal; dramatic or histrionic behavior; and a tendency toward exaggeration. The queen has a hard time respecting others' boundaries and preferences. Despite her needs, she may come across as quite strong and independent. Messages children of queen parents may receive include: You must love me; I resent you when you need something from me.

The Hermit The hermit feels fear; he's always on alert against potential danger. He may seem paranoid at times, perceiving threats where others don't. Phobias or superstitions may interfere with daily living. Benign or even helpful comments from others may be interpreted as a threat or attack. Hermits can be excessively self-protecting, possessive, and domineering. They may seem hypersensitive and feel violated when someone touches or borrows something that belongs to them. When angry, they may fly into a rage or give the "silent treatment." Messages from a hermit parent include: The world is a scaory, dan‐gerous place; They won't stop until they get me.

The Witch Witches feel white-hot rage. Few borderline parents consistently exhibit witch-like behavior. Rather, the witch seems to emerge from the waif, queen, or hermit when triggered by perceived rejection or her own self-hatred. Witches may use shame and embarrassment of their children as parenting tools. Witch parents can be domineering and vindictive; they may seem to repeatedly be at the center of conflict when it arises. They may have a hard time respecting others' boundaries and may ruin a child's cherished possessions, give away or euthanize a child's pets, or withhold affection or care. They may be physically abusive as well. Witch parents may send the following messages: Boy, will you regret that; You asked for it."

Damsels waifs witches and queens-oh my! Spooky stuff, but true I definitely feel like I been to the magic kingdom-

I love SLUTS

Hi,

Mine definitely has queen behaviour.
Is there actually a difference between a queen BPD and an NPD?

My ex would rotate between all four. Most times she was the waif, helpless, lacking confidence in performing simple tasks. Of course, that was part of the manipulation, getting others to serve her. Was she ever appreciative of you doing things for her? NEVER! Then there is the endless parade of malignant invisible maladies that plague her. Seriously Munchhausen.

This also gave rise to the queen. Some of the people she did volunteer work with dubbed her "princess", because there were things she just would not do, (most of them involved kitchen work). They would jokingly make a crown with their hands on top of their heads and laugh. I found this embarrassing, don't know if princess did.

Then the witch would emerge if you didn't do something to her liking, ignored her, or (God Forbid) embarrassed her. She would sooner make you commit Hari-Kari for your insolence.

The hermit was really the easiest to deal with because she was a mute. Interminable silent treatments actually became a blessing in that I didn't have to immediately deal with her. I could go about my happy life, pretending she was not there. Eventually however, the hermit transformed into the witch again when her tantrums were proving to be ineffective.

I'd like to say that I am done with all of that now, but she is the mother of my two children, so I have to deal with her.

Interestingly, mine shuffles through all 4 traits also. She wants to be a carefree princess and lounge by the pool all day. She turns into a witch when she feels slighted, does the hermit-like silent treatment, and is a helpless waif.