Guys, sometimes i feel like i totally lost myself. I remember there was a time in my life before this woman, that i was a happy, funny, fun loving guy that everyone loved to be around. Now i feel like i lost some respect from friends, family, and even myself. Its a hard realization. I spent 4 years lost in the twilight zone, that i barely remember who i was. Its a harsh reality indeed. Today i find myself taking blame for everything. Was it wrong to try and make someone happy everyday? Was it wrong to feel like i should be treated with respect? Was it wrong to long for a ounce of the love i once had in her eyes? Part of me still wants it back, but i realized in the entire downward spiral i wanted it back a long time ago. Everyday i did, every single second, i felt inadaquate, i felt ignored, i felt stripped of my balls i once had. Those hooks she lashed ran DEEP into my mental flesh. Who am i now? A shell i suppose. Venting is all i can do. Im mentally stunted, paranoid, enraged, lost. I talk to you guys because you all honestly make me feel better. Im learning to slowly wean myself from her and become whole again, but i dread the phone may ring and her voice will stunt me once again. I have a big heart, i question myself, should i pick up? Because once again i know if i do, the mental stunt will kick in again, the longing for what was once lost, and the feeling of wanting it back overcomes me, and again i fall into the mental state. Its hard. Because what i wanted, i lost a long long time ago. Ive made no contact today, i feel almost euphoric but mentally exhausted, its better than feeling on edge talking with her, the loved enemy i like to call her now. You kinda understand? im ranting yes, but im spilling my guts for all to know. I hate this, i need to feel like the old me again...where is he?

He is right there inside of your chest Chris, in your heart. Your armor has been dented, these very feelings you speak of are understandably experienced by all of us at certain times in our healing journey. The issue you speak of is of the nature of personal dignity. That is what you have lost sight of. And in that loss it can be regained ten fold and be a part of the process of becoming a complete and compassionate full grown man. We are taught by loss and hardened by its fire. The trick is in the learning the lesson as opposed to wallowing within in it. This is what separates the survivors from the fallen. Stand tall. Your intentions were good. The end result was not so much so. Learn from this harsh "lesson". For that is all it is. Dignity is not defined by any other than of the self. It is a gift only "we" can give to ourselves.It seems to have to be earned as opposed to bestowed. It's an inside job. Let the journey begin.

^^^^^^^^^

Yeh, what he said

Bird, dude, sometimes you say the best stuff.

"You can't plow the furrow straight while looking over your shoulder"...WOW! Bingo. Thanks guys...that started my day!!!

Beautifully said Bird--Chris read his post at least 15 times--Im gonna!

Chris - all I would add to the above excellent replies is this:

You are giving this woman authority over you and your thoughts and feelings. She hasn't earned the right to that authority. You need to find a way to reject it, and to feel justified in doing so.

I feel for you.

Chris,

You're in some very good hands here. BB summed it up nicely. Essentially we are the only ones that can keep us down. Courage is not defined by the absence of fear, it's persevering in the presence of fear. Your debt to yourself is to believe, to believe in you. And to hell with what anyone else thinks, especially her. As you begin to gain some distance and a degree of objectivity returns, you will re-emerge. You will be stronger and better balanced. That does not mean that you won't sorely miss what once was, you will. But persevere without looking back. If it helps, keep this truth in mind, "what you had will never come back, and it won't come back because it was never real to begin with."
Scripture says that, "you can't plow the furrow straight while looking over your shoulder." Eyes forward, stop second guessing, invest in you and others around you that are worthy of that investment.

Whenever you feel weak and want to take her back, come here, click on your name and read all the crap you wrote about. This is like journaling. You quickly become acquainted with how you were feeling, why things ended, and how far you have actually come compared to that guy. Works for me.