Hey guys

Just thought I'd drop a note of my progress.

As a bit of background, I was in an abusive relationship with a BPD/NPD for 11 years. After enduring years of trust issues, false accusations, threats, lies and only-in-the-movies style abuse, I ended it. Here's how it went down and how it's going now.

How it went down:

Over the course of several months, I had told my abuser that I wanted to leave. She threatened to ruin my career, my reputation, my finances and my life. I didn't know what to do and as I had been gradually distanced from my friends over the years (classic abuse situation) I had nobody to turn to. So I stayed.

After trying twice (or was it three times?) and getting the same threats, I confided in a work colleague. He told me to get out. Pffft...if only it were that easy.

I then saw a counsellor who advised me to seek advice from a lawyer and leave ASAP. Pffft...he obviously didn't understand how bad the situation was.

I spoke to a lawyer. He told me to get out of the relationship right away as it was toxic. By this point I started to notice a pattern (LOL!). Seems obvious now, but with abuse-tinted glasses on, the world is a different place.

On the evening of 1 July, my abuser started an argument. During one of her regular audits of my possessions, she found some of the resources my lawyer gave me. She threatened me again, told me I needed to "man up and get over it", told me nobody will ever love me the way she does and "we were meant to be together". Seriously - straight from the abusers handbook.

At 5:45am on 2 July, she woke me up and suggested we get coffee together before work. This was a regular pattern: she would be psycho all night long, then act as though nothing had happened the following day. To avoid suspicion, I agreed. We got coffee. I went to work.

At 10:00am, I e-mailed my sister who lives in another country. I told her everything. She told me to get out of the relationship. My heart raced, I fought back the tears. I grabbed my things and went home as quickly as I could.

I loaded 11 years of my life into my car in 25 minutes. I took my clothes and my music equipment. I printed a note that I had written earlier advising her that I was leaving and that she could have everything in the house. I just wanted my clothes, my music and my life.

I went to my parent's house which is where I've stayed to this day. Their support has been phenomenal and I regret not reaching out sooner.

How it's going now:

I wish I could say it was all good. I missed her like I would miss a limb. I felt cold and empty. And alone.

Over time I re-established relationships with my old buddies. They were so disappointed that they couldn't help me through things. I was so disappointed that I let my abuser push them away from me.

I still suffer regular abuse from her in the form of txts, e-mails, voice messages, FB messages etc. She won't leave me alone and insists that we get counselling. I told her that counselling went out the window when she decided to threaten me. She still refuses to tell any of our mutual acquaintances that we're over. I don't want to do it because there will be consequences for me and I just want to get on with my life. I seriously fear what she will do when I find the beautiful, strong, confident woman with loads of self-esteem and an enormous heart that I deserve.

Some days I wake up and just yearn for her. Those days are becoming few and far between now though. The other days are...

...well...

...THE BEST F*CKING DAYS OF MY LIFE!!!

I don't answer to anybody. I go for walks and listen to my favourite songs. I've lost weight and look better than ever. I have bought new clothes that I like without being mocked or asked "who are you trying to impress? Some slut from work?" . My wardrobe was 3-4 years old as new clothes were too much hassle. Not anymore.

I'm meeting up with friends and having a few beers. Not getting wasted or anything as I'm still a bit fragile, but I'm still experiencing life like I haven't done in 11 years.

I can go out and not have to account for every minute, every location, every conversation. I can walk to the top of a hill, take a deep breath, admire the view and carry on at my own pace.

One of the biggest challenges for me was going to a cafe and getting a table for one. It felt so sad and lonely. Well guess what? It's now my favourite thing to do. I get my table, my food, my coffee and just enjoy being there. No awkward conversation. No put downs. No judgement.

I just spend my time with me, and you know what? This "me" fellow is a pretty **** great guy to hang out with.

Men: it doesn't get better. If you haven't left, just do it. It is hard, it hurts, but it is so much better than living in the hell that you're in now. Every day is a little better now. Every say was a little worse before. Trust me. Trust yourself. Trust God. You deserve better and you know it.

In reading this post I became aware in its ending that I was sitting here with a big ol goofy smile. One word comes to mind... Resurrection! NICE!

Congratulations!

I applaud your courage in leaving. It takes guts and determination even in the face of all those who care about us and advise us to leave. You sound like you're well on your way to healing. Be advised from a brother in arms that there will be dark days ahead, days where you question your decision to leave. Hunker down and let them pass over you, and never make a decision while in these low points. Stay strong and re-acquaint yourself with you. It's an investment that you'll never regret.

I'm out one year now and there are still hard days but fewer and farther between. She still tries to hoover me back in, trying to guilt me, etc,, Attempt as much as possible to limit all contact with her and as soon as it is practical go no contact at all. I was NC for 7 weeks recently when my ex found a way to get through to me at a customers office. They are very resourceful. I'm restarting the clock, that's all we can do. Be strong.

Burbank,

From the bottom of my heart...CONGRATULATIONS!
Freedom and taking your power back are priceless..

You are well on your way to recovering and healing. I read somewhere to write this on a postcard and get it out, whenever you have a twinge about them and the past:

Some people believe that sending/giving unconditional love will help, But here's the thing; narc women don't want unconditional love!

That requires openness and honesty. It requires facing fears, feeling difficult emotions and being open to change. In the NARC woman's mind, these are 'awful things' that are to be avoided at ALL COSTS!

So when it comes to helping narc women, you think you are making progress, and are suddenly faced with an IMPENETRABLE WALL! Face it! They want to STAY behind it. It's NOT your fault that you cannot LOVE or be LOVED by them. They are NEVER available for real love in the first place.

The best thing to do is to let them be and MOVE ON! If you can't move on, ask yourself what you are hoping to RECEIVE? What do I STILL WANT to receive?

What do I still want from THEM? Then consider; have I EVER received this from them in the past?

If so, what did I need to do/give up for that? Was it worth it? Then what are the ODDS?

It brings instant clarity each time you read it!

Well said Paul.. well said

It's true. What Paul said here really helped me during a difficult "keyhole" time. The odds just are not good compared to the tremendous effort.