I saw my ex-N walking holding hands with the new guy (together for 11 months now) today happy as ever with some of her other friends as well. I've been thinking to myself that if ex is a severe narcissist, then won't "new guy" suffer the devalue/dicard phase eventually if he ever criticizes or disagrees or they fight over something? She told me when I met her she "falls in love really easily" but this is the one time I have not seen that affect her relationships. I've stayed NC, not even eye contact. However it's beyond infuriating to me that she's still with this guy after what he and she did and he isn't facing the same fate that I did. I met her May 2011, and I faced Devalue/Discard in September 2012,on our 6 month anniversary. This is the longest relationship she's ever held in her life-the new guy. I don't exactly believe in fate, but I do in karma and he hasn't faced his karma yet. I know nacs cower from intamacy, so if they ever get in a sexually active relationship then will she start to seize communication, devalue, and discard like she did with me?

When she left I was devastated. I didn't want to eat, get out of bed, or live. I still feel that way at times but I've gotten better because I've realized she's the one with a problem. I lost interest in my favorite activities like photography and outdoors and such, lost interest in school which effected my grades because I was too busy trying to come up with the resoning behind what the hell happened with my ex-N that made me deserve this treatment. Wanted to go get therapy, wante to just stop working, didn't ave any drive or esteem to do anything anymore because she stole the life out of me and I spent so long trying to get over the pain and feel better rather than focus on my life.

Hi Hey,

You are mourning about the loss of someone that was close to you. It is understandable, but once you realize that that person never really existed in the first place (or has changed for the worse a long time ago), you will come back to reality, and start your recovery.

Life is what it is, we sometimes just need to realize it.

So you're saying that she kept up an act, that who she really is, is not the one that I loved and was close to. It was a fake.

I think we all have faced or are facing that reality. She isn't/wasn't real. She is a façade built to cover the pain of her childhood. Her pain (real self) is buried so deep that it will never come out.
Their life is image over substance.

Wise words and very true my friend. Perhaps that's why she would always tell me she never remembered her childhood. Her false self or the projection she plays isn't actually her, her real self is hidden. She would never talk about her feelings either, besides her pain. She told me she doesn't love herself either, and that I shouldn't love her because of that, maybe I should've listened. Anyways, the reality is she was and is a fake, and I can tell how different she is and acts around different people every day. I still see her happy as ever with the new guy of almost one year now. My memories with her still haunt my dreams and cloud my mind, but Im learning to understand that she's evil and I am better off without her.

Hay,

Funny thing is I've known two women (bad relationships) in my life who said self disparaging things. Narc the younger was the latest - she told me, quote - "I'm a truly bad person, you don't know how bad I am". She was spot on with both counts, (I sure as hell know now). It always hit me as WTF? Who says that about themselves - and why?

Well, my friend PDIs do! They KNOW whats really inside, they KNOW you're better than them and deserve better than them. In the rare moments of self awareness - they KNOW!

yeh - we should have listened.

I'm listening now.

She never gave me any space and never left me alone at all when I first met her and the reason I talked to her all that time was I wanted to make her feel better. She was parisidic! I guess the 40k messages I sent her and time I spent with her when I could've been with my family/friends didn't matter. Will it matter for the new guy? She drained me of my confidence, energy, life, everything. Over 2 years. She used to email me and say without me she would eventually die from insanity and hate.

Hey,

Listen buddy, your story sounds a lot like mine. Listen, she can't form lasting relationships. She just can't connect with people. When a new person comes along, they consume them. They feed off of them. They don't love them. They use and discard.

When I met my wife, she discarded her best friend from childhood to devote all her time to me when she was love bombing me. It was a red flag to me, how she could discard her like that. But, I was flattered in a way. That I was so important to her that she would ditch her friends. Well, my mind told me to make a note of it for future reference. I see why now.

Well, I thought things seemed great in our marriage, until my wife started hanging around "new friends." The stay at home moms in our neighborhood. Again, my gut told me not to move into the neighborhood, but I did. Big mistake. Suddenly, my wife who didn't care about money changed and wanted to keep up with everyone else. My wife who loved sex said none of the other wives do it, and stopped having it with me. The list goes on and on.

Now, another thing that crossed my mind today. My wife was always trying to catch me in lies and cheating. I didn't share every detail of my life with her because,to be honest, I just didn't think to share every detail. Things that seemed unimportant became a big deal to her. She claimed to be sharing every detail of her life with me, but I didn't want all the details. Now I realize that most of the stuff she was telling me was just to lure me in. That's why she was so critical of me, because everything she told me was a set up, so she must have assumed I was deceiving her.

I am also wondering how "good" the "good times" actually were. The love bombing and sex must have blinded me. I am now remembering all the times that she got angry at me in the early "honeymoon years." I felt like I was under a microscope all of the time. Things haven't changed except for the sex, and putting me on the pedestal. I felt like I spent most of my time with her having sex or trying to get her not to be angry at me for something.

So, Hey, look at the good times with a more critical eye. Maybe they weren't as good as you remember. Erase the love bombing from your mind, and what do you have left? Anything?

Don't take it personally. Your fault was being too patient, good, kind, and trusting with an exploiter. It happens in life. Refocus on yourself.
I am really trying to heal myself. It is hard. I find myself very lethargic and depressed. So, I have really slowed myself down. Listen to your mind and your body. I'll bet you need a break. Take care of yourself. Love yourself.
Oh, and one other mistake I made, and I will assume that we all made. Listen to your inner voice. Do what it tells you to do. You hear it for a reason. I was trained from an early age to ignore mine. I am trying to listen and follow it now. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and pain if I had listened.
Best of luck to you!

Bingo, same here. I always wonder when people tell me they cannot remember their past; turns out it's because they have a lot to hide, or in npd cases, were NOT the same person back then as they are now (a mask)...

Point Nr 1 on the checklist from here on...

She told me when I met her and multiple times in our friendship that she falls in love very easily. When she started seeing the new guy she said its ok to like someone and love someone at the same time, meaning she quote liked him and loved me. Is this real love, her falling for people so often? This seems to be more in the past because she's been with the new guy for a year now, and he hasn't done nearly. As much as I did for her or cared as much. He looks down on the sentimental, he's rude, uncaring and snobbish. When I was in class and my teacher was telling us when he met the love of his life, the new guy was behind me and intentionally said in my ear to **** me off, "mine was lonely". I was so mad I saw white and wanted to crush him. In this case, she played victim with him too then? Used me as one of the abusive exs etc she used to tell me about too to reel me in? She seems like she's clinically insane.

Of course she was lonely. That's how they permanently are. Empty and lonely.
I recall early in my marriage. I did nothing but work and spend time with the family. I was with my wife one day and she said that she felt so lonely and uncared for. But, I devoted every free second to her.

Ok, then if that's the case then she cannot actually receive or give actual love, it's all about attention. I'm so sorry to bear about what happened with your wife, that must have been tragic. It seems both in our case were permanently lonely and empty inside, like a wounded child who never developed. I wonder if she's the same way with the new guy too. I wonder if eventually she will dump the new guy and never look back like she did with me, after she told me she wanted to marry me etc for almost a year and was constantly love bombing me. I was perfect, amazing etc, then about 5 months into our relationships she started telling me she didn't want to be with me but she could still be here for me because her friends didn't like me since I believe in god and I was too nice compared to them. A month later she dumped me out and got with the new guy she cheated with within a couple days and was happy as ever and still is. My family tells me to be happy for her now that she's finally happy but the jinteresting thing is she was the same way with me in happiness contentment etc. she's not afraid to show affection with him in front of her friends like she was with me, and she walks with him every day, takes pictures with him, and is happy as ever. She acts completely different around different people and it seems like she goes off what others tell her or think rather than having her own opinions. I remember when our relationship was almost over she called me crying telling me she really did love me and that she was just tired of all the drama from her friends, and we spent time together that day. Then a few days later she told me it doesn't matter if Im a best friend or boyfriend to her as long as I, in her life because she needs me, then she tossed me out. Is she normal? I wonder if the new guy would suffer the same fate if her friends didn't like him. Once she realized she couldn't control me to make her look good in front of her fiends she dropped me like a heavywieght and it didn't matter to herb that I was there for her in critical moments of her life.

Once she realized her friends didn't like me and I was making her look bad in thier eyes, she slowly started to phase me out of the situation and talk to me less each day until eventually she dumped me out. She always told me before everyone left her and she was never the one to hurt or leave anyone. I stood up,for her whenever people were talking bad about her though, and i didnt care what my friends thought and I eventually lost my childhood best friend over it. The main thing I don't understand is she begged and begged to be with me for an entire year, and when I finally agreed to be with her she cried happy tears and hugged me close and was happy as ever. Things were perfect for half a year until her friends didn't like me. After she had love bombed me and written me hundreds of,love letters etc. what do you think was going through her head? The things she is saying about me to people now is really hurting my chances of a relationship with anyone and she's trying to cover up her,own actions while successfully vilifying me and playing the victim. What is and was going through her head? Can somebody pleas explain/tell me?

Sorry if this is TMI but she used to tell me when she would mast ur bate thinking about me at night before and wanted to have $ex with me so badly. How can you go from that to complete devaluation and discard? Once we had the slightest amount of physical contact (not sex) she instantly told me that intimacy is dumb unless you're married and we didn't want to do anything until she's way older. Do you think it's the same with the new guy?