I figured it'd be good value if I shared my recent experience of leaving a long-term NPD/BPD. Here are a few lessons I learned the hard way which hopefully you can avoid if and when you realise that YOU are worth fighting for:

1. Nice guys finish last
It cut me up even thinking about leaving her. The guilt. Oh my God, the guilt!!! How could I leave her to pay the rent by herself? How will she buy groceries without me there to drive her? How can I expect her to replace any of the things I take...

And on it went until I came up with what was (in hindsight) a not-so-great move: I left her everything. I took my clothes and my music gear and my car. The entire remaining contents of the house were hers. I thought that would help her out and perhaps give me some leverage as it proved I was being a good guy throughout the process.

WRONG!

She just took it for granted. In her eyes she deserves all of the things we accumulated and she has also sought advice from a lawyer about taking more (more of what??? I f*cking have nothing!!!).

So be the bigger person, but don't be too accommodating - it won't pay off in the end.

2. Silence ain't golden
Right now, none of our mutual acquaintances know that we've been split up for 3 months. That includes some of her best friends. This is because she still hasn't accepted that it's over.

This is the same "cone of silence" that enabled her to treat me like a piece of sh*t while being the calm, confident, caring, upbeat person to outsiders.

I wish I told people right away. I feel like I can't right now as I've set a precedent that she will be the one to break the news. The reason I can't is due to the next lesson...

3. You think she's psycho now? You don't know sh*t!
She has gone from a bit psycho to full blown psycho. She will message me multiple times and say that she's changed. Before I left, I made a list of the attributes I want in my life partner. I then rated her against these attributes. She didn't do too well as honesty, integrity, self-confidence and empathy were featured heavily in my list. Unbeknownst to me, she discovered the list. Now buzzwords from it keep popping up. She's always been anti-religion. In my list I said I wanted someone spiritual. Now she claims that she prays to God all the time.

She sends messages asking what I'm afraid of. She threatens to turn up at my parents house. She sends me abusive e-mails at my work e-mail address. She ignores every and any demand to leave me alone. She finds any reason to contact me and tries to get a reaction. I know this, yet it's so hard to just ignore her when a part of me just wants to hurl her into the sun. She turns up places where I am. She has started befriending people close to me. It just goes on...

Before, she was just a controlling, manipulative, overly-suspicious person. Now she's f*cking psycho!!!

4. Friends are forgiving
You know those guys you used to hang out with? The ones who knew you like a brother but who you've become distant from because of your controlling spouse? In my case, she would tell everyone that she doesn't care what I do and that I can hang out with my friends whenever I want (because she is such a cool chick). The reality is that I COULD hang out with my friends, but her mood, the interrogation, the dogbox treatment that I would endure for weeks on end meant it wasn't worth it. The consequences so far outweighed the action.

And when I say "hang with friends" I mean "have a few beers and laugh at each other for a few hours", not "go to strip bars til 4am and sleep with *****s". I may as well have done the latter as the punishment was the same either way.

Anyway, I've digressed a bit here. My point is that those guys miss you and want to be there for you. They care about you and won't judge you. Send a txt, make a call, meet up and have a vent - they will remind you of what a strong, intelligent, confident man you are under all that emotional garbage she's buried you in. You were friends for a reason. Reconnect!!!

5. Your comfort zone shrunk with your confidence
I wouldn't even suggest a restaurant for dinner because I knew it would be wrong. Same applied to movies, holiday destinations, clothes, cologne, you name it. Suddenly I was by myself and I could do anything...

...except...

...I couldn't do anything! I didn't know how to shop for clothes without having them picked for me. I didn't know how to go choose a restaurant and ask for a table for one. I didn't know how to go to an art exhibition without company. I didn't know how to go to a bar and have a beer in the sun by myself.

My comfort zone was so narrow. I only enjoyed things we did as a couple. It took time to get my head around what life is like as a single person. The freedom is overwhelming at first but gets better over time (although 3 months in and I'm still adjusting...but after 11 years that's understandable).

Anyway, hopefully at least some of this is useful to someone else. Sorry for the typos - I'm writing this on my phone and it's a real PITA.

Hope you're all doing well - and remember: you're worth so much more. Chalk your abusive relationship up to experience and move on as a stronger person because of it. Your balls are still there, she's just obscured your view of them. You deserve better.

I repeat: YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!

Burbank, thank you for the post. It was very inspirational to me. Especially the part about what you would like in a mate.
Stay strong!!