Hi,

I'm a woman engaged to a man who was in an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. I'm looking for some understanding behind the whole thing and hopefully someone here can give me some insight/suggestions....

Well the background:

Him and I met working in a remote camp. We started seeing each other and quickly things escalated...we fell in love so fast. Problem...turns out he was with someone and I found out. I was hurt and angry...I had the biggest melt down. He said he planned to end things on New Years and he did....then they got back together for a day or two....then he ended things. During our separation he made some pretty harsh accusations of emotional abuse, manipulation and some situations that turned a bit violent and her having a history of trying to wreck his stuff......

While things ended with his ex she still was texting constantly and staying at his place while he was on the road working (the 5 years they were together they didn't actually live together, but she kept some of her stuff and her cats would stay at his place while she kept an apartment). When I found that out I flat out told him " If she is as nasty as you say she is you either are lying or you have to cut ties from her completely. I'm not being a part of this craziness....I won't watch someone being taken advantage of. You have to help yourself in this". She did put up a fight but she did leave and he changed the locks. He later on changed his number and blocked her email addresses.

The fact that he lied about being with her in the beginning and her trying to keep her talons in him as left damaging effects on us.

I was trying to understand why he couldn't just let go if he was unhappy and constantly working on the road to escape her......I mean they didn't live together officially and she would see other men...so why not just make the separation official?

I guess his side of the story:

He has accused her of using "gas lighting" on him to isolate him from his friends and family. He said that he has lost a few friendships because of the combination of her manipulating and his friends getting sick of the whole thing....She has lashed out on him and tried to get violent......she tried to key up his nice car......constantly made him feel guilty of him not wanting to marry her and taking away her child bearing years. One time she accused him of cheating and to "punish" him took some very derogatory pictures of him as black mail (the sounds of the pictures frankly to me sound like borderline sexual abuse) and kept the photos for about 2 years. I guess her and her mother dug through his finances to see what he could afford to buy her....there are others but this gives you a general idea of what he has told me.

My question is this.....If I make him happy why did he always give in to her demands till I finally put my foot down and said "her or me"? I hear some of these stories and since I have been abused and taken advantage of when I was younger part of me understands. The mama bear in me wants to destroy the *********** But also there is the part of me that I'm sure any other guy that was abused knows this angle well is that I feel like he is a grown man.....he should have just kicked the ***** to the curb.....

I'm hoping someone can give me insight on this so we can move on and start a happy life....the whole thing has left me incredibly confused. We do see couples and individual counseling as well but I just need some better understanding....

Thank you

He is a weak man.....you can do better. Fixing crazy is a waste of time. He was keeping space with her. He will space you too. Lisaescott.com may give you better answers.

Fell in love so fast is a symptom....

You're right. ....more info came to light. ..I want someone in my life who will defend me as hard as I would defend them....thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. The link you provided had some interesting articles and will read more. Take care!