i just left my wife again. the abuse is happening all over again. i know i had to leave, but i have such a powerful feeling of guilt that i abandoned her. i made promises to help her. she kicked me out of the house after i had surgery and flushed all my medications down the toilet. she would use my medicine as power over me. giving me pain meds when she saw fit. taking them away when i did something "wrong". when i went to my dr to get more she told me to bring the police to our house with me (after being kicked out) to get clothes and confirm that the meds were gone. when asked where the meds were she told the officer i had them and was i was selling them at work. the officers told me to grab 2 days of clothes and leave. at some point i have to go get my things. its too painful and scary to even talk to her right now. i know if we talk she will suck me right back in. this is so hard. i have recognized the abuse, but i still feel its not her fault. she always apologizes and tells me its her depression. but soon after she sits me down after an incident and explains what mistakes i made in not helping her and all the things i did wrong leading up to a violent outburst. some of these incidents are terrifying and sometimes very violent. hitting, knives thrown, beaten with clothes hangars. but it always leads back to the things i could have done different to keep her calm. if i just do what i am told i wont have to deal with these things. im at my mothers house now. no contact in 30 hrs. i feel so guilty. how long will this last?

Welcome to the club Tim. How long will it last? Two answers to that one. Longer than you want and as long as you let it. It took all of us quite some time to understand exactly what we were dealing with. I do not know if you have done any research on the personality disordered or whether your wife has been diagnosed with one of the types. A good place to get your head straight is gettinbetter.com in the articles section. Generally life begins to look better after no contact is rigorously enforced. Guilt is a normal feeling in these situations. Read Shari's articles and get things in perspective.

Thank you for your thoughts. I really think no contact is what I need now. The last time it lasted for 2 weeks and slowly I got sucked back in, even as far as seeing her psychiatrist together. Im just not sure how I go about getting my things from the house. Do I still pay our bills? Shes not working and we are raising her 16 year old son. Do I just let them fend for themselves? She does have family. Just not sure how to go about bills and things without contacting her. I really dont want to see or talk to her.

All things to be considered. Many men here will weigh in on that as they get to know you. 30 days of hard NC and a lot of research combined with talk on here will make a good start. Reading all of Shari Schreiber's articles is recommended. Every one here has a different story but you will see a common thread of crazy with the ex's. Close out all joint accounts and kill any shared credit cards.

Shari has an article on training your bpd. It deals with enforcing respect and boundaries. I was hoovered 8 times as mine tended to understand what she did. I never got the blame game after the Hoover. Blame was saved for the quarterly eruption and breakdown. Lot of bipolar characteristics in that behaviour.

We "live in interesting times"......

I just read some of Sharis articles. A little shocking I must say. What she says resonates so true with what Im going through. Im trying hard to keep the abusive controlling wife in my head rather than the once in awhile loving respectful wife I thought I had. It seems as I keep those abusive images in mind I stay a little angry and want to stay away as apposed to feeling sorry for her and wanting to fix things for her. My sister said to me on the way home from the police station, "ITS ABOUT TIME YOU GOT **********

It is shocking...... NPD is another type that affects mostly men. BPD affects mostly women. Have the feeling they are the same disorder that manifests a bit differently in the sexes. Wander this site and read some experience from the horse's mouth. Birdboy is always a good read.

tim

im sure you are sad and depressed.please get some help for it brother.

she tried to get you arrested for drug dealing!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE GET A DIVORCE AND GET THAT MONSTER OUT OF YOUR LIFE


dont be an idiot like i was and keep going back again and and again.

There are some things in life that are simply "unforgivable", PDI or not. Assault, battery, lying, cheating, stealing, character assassinations, intentional thwarting of ones good intentions. The stuff of basic human dignities and common respect.

The ability of people whom are involved with the Personality Disordered Individual to overlook or "forgive" these basic rules of civilized human interactions never ceases to amaze me in the gravity of the denial systems employed by we, the receivers of said transgressions.

For example;
"She falsely accused of drug dealing but I still love her and forgive her and feel sorry for her", is outrageously naive and insane on its face. Who in hell loves and values a dog that bites viciously and with calculation the hand that feeds him? One time I'm gonna watch that sucker real close, the second occurrence, and I don't care how that animal puppy eyes me, I'm going lead that hound out to the back forty, and with perhaps a pang of pain on my part, is gonna get the Ol Yeller cure. He earned his reward and it takes responsibility and fortitude to deliver his consequential justice.

Some things are excusable and some things just are not. If the owner decides to keep the dog that bites and somewhere down the road of that animals certain and eventual destruction, said animal bites an innocent visitor, at that instant the fault lies on the owners shoulders and not the biter dog because the owner decided the liability was worth the risk. The risk was not assumed by just the owner but also for all who come into contact with this "unreliable" animal once its truth is known. The example is clear and proven. It's the stuff of common sense and slam dunk lawsuits.

In the reviewing of the actions of the PDI in my life I was forced to analyze my own responsibility and contribution to the continuum of negative interactions and occurrences with this individual and in my own life. One must sometimes whittle issues and concepts down to basic understandings and interpretations to understand the impact they impart and the example of intention they provide. Especially so if they continue to happen or worsen.

The word transgression is derived from the word AGGRESSION. Simple! You gonna tolerate that crap? That's on you.