as u all know i left my narc parents on saturday and am on my own now. since then i allowed myself to relax and bask in the feelings of freedom.unfortunatly it was overshadowed by pain, uncertainty, and alot of other strange emotions that im not familiar with. today its time to repair and change, question is where do i go now? what do i do? there is so much mess to clean up.

Alex,

First, well done.

My advice do nothing right now.... Breathe, relax, enjoy the weight off your chest. There is no rush. There is no one writing the script to your life, you have to write it so take your time. Slowly you will learn to be yourself.

When life is ready for you, you'll know what to do. Then just do it because it'll feel right. You'll be fine...

If you must do something to flush the past... if you haven't already done it - do the boring stuff - new cell number , new e-mail, new bank account etc. Finish the clean break. Find some new places... DO NOT RUSH TO DO THINGS

Otherwise, just relax and let the past out. you need to mend ...

I know mate, easier said than done - I was young once.

Excellent advise! CARPE DIEM!

Alex,

You are now out from under the hen's wings, and need to start creating your own principles/rhythm/ways of doing things. You're a free man now, and it is time you develop your own way to go through life.

As I said before and mentioned by New, start with the small things (daily chores and administration). Once you've found a routine that works for you, you've built the confidence to start on the bigger things (long term goals).

You need to learn to live without the eggwalking and mindracing, and the best way to do that is to keep all pressure out the door. It will take some time, but you will know when this phase is over.

For now, just live by the day. See what needs to be done today, and do it. Tomorrow is another day.

iv taken your advice to just relax and keep my head clear and the pressures away. on that note i decided to postpone a few things because i feel im racing to get started on doing it again. subconciously i have always done everything with haste as if i feared my life depended on it(one of the bad habits the military gave me).so instead of waking up early to certain chores i decided to sleep in a few hours longer because my body just felt it right(i think). i can always do the other things later they arent important.however when i said to myself "ah watever just relax, i can do it on my own time later" a small hint of desperation started to kick in along with a bunch of other wierd emotions as if my life is over if i didnt do it then. i know these arent true but my mind just doesnt seem to want to agree.

another instance is when this morning i had planned to do a little cooking for my breakfast and some to take to work today. as soon as i opened the fridge and looked at my chicken, then looked at my clock my mind just started spewing all kind of crap really fast i was frozen. couldnt move, felt indecisive. then i looked at the shelf and saw i had some cup noodles and decided to do that for breakfast. as i reach for it my hand is shaking and as wierd as it sounds i found myself pacing back and forth between the fridge and the shelf. i finally managed to shake out of it and continue on to my room to type this. this "spell" is common to me as i deal with it on a daily basis and at very stressful times at work. its not pleasant thing to expirience every day but what choice to i have

Alex,

I know you have always felt rushed. That's the narc's way of controlling you.
My dad always had to be rushing me and pushing me into doing stuff. I just needed to rest and relax. He would grow angry if I ever did nothing and call me lazy.
Now, my wife is the same way. We got married and I thought, "cool, I'm going to work, come home, have great sex, and enjoy life."
Well, a few months into the marriage she became obsessed with getting a house and getting pregnant. I wasn't ready for either. But, I got guilted into complying.

So, learn what your pace is in life. Don't worry about what other people want you to do. March to the beat of your own drum, so to speak.
I am really glad for you.
Take your time and enjoy yourself.

Alex, this is part of the trained behavior by the PDI.

After I started to care less about my wife's needs, and stayed away whenever I could, I started to remember that I was a lot more relaxed before I met her. Everything now is done in a haste and under stress, and I'm currently learning to un-haste again.

Keep your focus on slowing down, and you'll get to know what real life is like.

My whole life has been haste. I feel like I've missed out on so much.

Also, this really opens my eyes when politicians point out a crisis and want to rush legislation through. It is a BPD/Narc control tact and a scam.

i fell horrible. i really cant fathom what i am expiriencing. for the last 3 nights iv been drinking just so can sleep at night. at work i feel normal, fast paced environment and yet at my place of relaxation i feel so bad. im drunk right now, but i still am able to understand im not feeling right. i feel paranoia, like every sign is a narc to me. these past few days i realized just how ungenuine i am and how f---ked i am. right now i feel like opting out is the best AND most comfortable option. at work the last couple of days iv had clients who asked me personal information and i was skeptical at first. but i ended up spewing all of my info out, i knew it was wrong but it felt so natural. at the end i felt so guilty i just wanted to drink so i can just reflect apone what i have done.why? why cant any little success in my life be progressive? why must it be short lived always? why cant nothing ever go my way. sorry guys i just feel very vulnerable and extinct right now. nothing goes my way, it hasent in the past , it doesnt now.

Alex,

First of all, STOP doubting yourself. STOP giving in to the self-blame that your PDI's trained you to use. You ARE doing the right thing this time, and it IS going to be a success. For what it's worth, I totally believe you CAN do this.

Do NOT be afraid. Life IS scary, because this is a big change for you; however, in a year or so, you'll be doing great, and, looking back, you'll think "That wasn't so bad in the end, and it was the best thing I ever did".

Now back to your current issues:

Your recovery is a process that needs time; do not expect results overnight.

You need to change habits that have grown into your brain, and that is not a 1-day deal.
Your brain is used to constant pressure at the moment, and currently feels uneasy without any of it; that's why you feel so awkward.
You are now trying to re-train your grey matter to use different behavior than what is ingrained in there. The scientific explanation is : you are in fact trying to physically alter the neuron connections in your brain (where your habits are stored), and that does not go easily. Hence the awkwardness.

But, with persistence you'll get there.

What has helped me as a first step, was yoga and then meditation. These awareness practices force you to focus only on yourself, while relaxing at the same time, and that is where you want to go.

There will be more days like the ones you have now, but little by little you'll start to wind down, and start to find your true self.

Just try to keep the booze aside, as it will give you a false distraction from your real purpose.

Keep us posted along the way, we all want to know how you're doing.

Alex,

What Jack said ^^^^^^^^^^^ don t doubt this.

Whats happening IMHO is a bit of delayed physical shock! - It's perfectly normal for your body to act this way after what you've been through. It's your BODYS way of saying Thank F for That!... your body is playing catch up.

Try tea — not booze... at extreme try an energy drink....BUT NOT BOOZE (and nether last thing).

Eat a balanced diet.

Take YOUR time - no one else's

This is why I said you need to relax - you have to get this over with. You've been living a slow motion car crash for most of your life, you've had the surgery, and your in recovery right now.... Use that as your visualisation. Your just out of major surgery - there is bound to be side effects.

The mind racing, it's been hurt, it's trying to process everything; it will. It's also been pointed out this is a hangover from having to run your higher functions at a million miles an hour to cope with the mind games of the PDI. It will slow down.

I did 13 years in the military, the difference in haste in the military is "considered, reasoned" haste is good... it gets things done. Haste for hastes sake gets people killed... It's not the military hang up you have - its the PDI influence on your thought process. It will go away.

One day at a time.

You know someone will be here for you... take your time buddy!

TNM

AAALLLLRIIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTT!!! WELL YOUR HEADED DOWN THE RIGHT PATH!! HEY MY BEST ADVISE TO YOU IS NOT TO WORRY ABOUT THE MESS, YOU ALREADY CLEANED IT UP BY LEAVING THE MESS BEHIND!! FOCUS UP NOW, YOU AND YOU ONLY!! ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS RELAX. AND GET YOU A BIG OLE CAN OF B.I.T.C.H BEGONE!!! FIND YOU SOMETHING HEALTHY TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME FOR SURE. YOU ARE GONA STRUGGLE HOMIE, BUT THAT STRUGGLE YOUR FACING IS ONLY THE CHANGE YOUR GONA MAKE BY FINDING HAPPINESS, YOU HAVE BEEN MISERABLE FOR SO LONG YOU HAVE PROBABLY FORGOTTEN WHAT HAPPINESS AND JOY FEEL LIKE.. (I know I forgot what true happiness felt like.) NEVER LET YOUR CHIN TOUCH YOUR CHEST MY FRIEND! AND ALWAYS RETURN TO US WHEN THINGS BECOME TO HEAVY FOR YOU TO CARRY!! STAY UP!!

Good advise here Alex. We all know that this rolls off the tongue easily but is hard to do. No easy fix here, it takes time and discipline. Please remember that you're in a cycle of grieving. You're grieving the loss of all that you knew prior to now. This is going to come at you in phases. Denial, anger, depression, acceptance, relief, and even eventually compassion. Let these all happen, they need to. Don't shortcut grief or you'll never have closure. We are here anytime you need support. Hang tough, you're worth the effort.

Alex,
Two things. Put the plug in the jug. Hit the gym... HARD!

u left out the wierd/awkward phase lol. the past couple of days iv felt very strange in social situations especially at work. i get involved in social situations that feel so strange and end so badly. i have troubles looking at people. also iv been staring at women alot these past few days and even started to fantasize about some girl i went to school with. she was really gorgeous and i asked her out she shot me down and that was that. but for some reason shes been on my mind, wierd. for lunch today i went to the 5guys burger joint and when the lady up front said "hi, how are you?" i froze, i couldnt look her in the eye and my voice cracked and whatever i ended up saying was ineligible. even i agree how stupid i sounded. keep in mind this wasnt a pretty woman at the front but a bigger,.....not so attractive woman lol. iv taken ur advice from this thread and made 3 mantras that seem to work for me. im slowly going to build a habit of conciously slowing myself down so i get used to not operating at 100mph but a more casual healthy pace. also when i feel forced to do something i just repeat to myself "my pace, my time, relax". one things that has been bothering me is that i only really come to post my problems here but feel kinda reluctant to read some of the other threads. i mean narcs post there issues on facebook to get their relief/feed, i feel like im kinda doing the same exact thing. i feel guilty and have difficulties logging on to this website.

Alex,

Come on mate....Remember your military first aid training, shock will create that sense of un-real - it's normal and will pass.

Good mantras though.

I can't recommend highly enough reading other posts here. You'll learn some real good thinking from others who haven't posted on this thread because their situation might to them not be the same as yours. but you might get some insite from the least likely place.

Then get your self over to the forum at "Out of the Fog" for Unchosen. you'll feel far less singled out and isolated.

http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=4.0

Write your thoughts in a journal (not for consumption) that will get the noise out of your head.





remember - one day at a time....

u left out the wierd/awkward phase lol. the past couple of days iv felt very strange in social situations especially at work. i get involved in social situations that feel so strange and end so badly. i have troubles looking at people. also iv been staring at women alot these past few days and even started to fantasize about some girl i went to school with. she was really gorgeous and i asked her out she shot me down and that was that. but for some reason shes been on my mind, wierd. for lunch today i went to the 5guys burger joint and when the lady up front said "hi, how are you?" i froze, i couldnt look her in the eye and my voice cracked and whatever i ended up saying was ineligible. even i agree how stupid i sounded. keep in mind this wasnt a pretty woman at the front but a bigger,.....not so attractive woman lol. iv taken ur advice from this thread and made 3 mantras that seem to work for me. im slowly going to build a habit of conciously slowing myself down so i get used to not operating at 100mph but a more casual healthy pace. also when i feel forced to do something i just repeat to myself "my pace, my time, relax". one things that has been bothering me is that i only really come to post my problems here but feel kinda reluctant to read some of the other threads. i mean narcs post there issues on facebook to get their relief/feed, i feel like im kinda doing the same exact thing. i feel guilty and have difficulties logging on to this website.[/quote]

Alex, posting on here is not the same as narcs posting on facebook. You are seeking help, narcs are seeking attention. There is some great advice here.
As for not looking people in the eye, I noticed about 10 years ago that I avoided eye contact with people. I am still working on that.
Don't worry too much about the girl shooting you down. Just let it go.
Just imagine that there is the right woman out there for you. She probably wasn't good enough for the woman you need. Be optimistic. I know it's tough. I was depressed as hell yesterday. But, you will find yourself getting better consistently.

had a better day today. it was a day off and like the past few days iv conciously been reminding myself its ok to relax and not having to always do something. my day started by my dad calling me and yelling at me to pay them my part of the car insurance. i broke the NC for a few minutes to hand them the check then left without saying much. then i decided to go to see a movie. it was me and some old man in the entire theatre. as soon as the film was over and i stood up to leave it hit me. that "pull" as if my body needs some kind of drug and its not getting it. i was briefly frozen, it was as if im in a submarine deep underwater and i just broke the windows.not pleasant but i shook out of it took a breath and continued on.anyone else get that feeling? is it related to NC or something else?

Alex,

My idea about those freezing moments are that your body is used to you freezing up because of the unexpected drama thrown your way regularly by the PDI's in your past.

People tense up when they feel danger approaching, and you probably had a fair share to deal with in your past. Your body has accustomed to it and is regularly expecting it.

Another addiction from "them" you need to work on.


At the peak of my abuse history, I had brain-zaps, like a flash going off inside my head. Turned out it was from over-using my brain under the constant pressure.
Soon after I was diagnosed with a depression, and took medication to keep the zaps away.

That was 2 years ago; I'm off the med since this summer, and learned to control the stresslevels to keep the zaps away. They do not appear anymore since a couple months, so I guess I'm back in the green.

i remember also having theses zaps in my brain, especially at night. it was like a loud inner brain fireworks that go off and u can see it get really bright for a brief moment. i stopped getting them when i learned to be a much calmer person and how to take deep breaths and relaxing my mind. on that note, after 4 straight nights of entire 12 packs just so i can sleep i decided to not drink last night. i literally stared at my clock the entire night, fighting my desperation of not being able to sleep i have work in the morning. how long does this withdrawl last? im thinking of getting an over the counter sleeping aid for a while

today is 2 weeks no contact. okay not completly i answer a call every now and then from my narc parents but i keep it short and to the point. just to be safe i dont want to burn my bridges with them completly just yet. im starting to feel better, however this whole mess has turned me into something. an alcoholic. the past 2 nights i have been drinking my ass off even though i kept saying to myself no, no ,no. since in the past my excuse was because i was suffering but now there really is none. before i opened the bottle i asked "whats my excuse tonight"? .........i guess it was boredom. i want to quit, but dont have any kind of backup. when i quit smoking what helped me was a friend pushing me on a daily basis. day 1 dont quit, day 2 keep it strong, day 3 ect. although it didnt have alot of weight behind it it was enough. this whole mess has left me shattered. although im starting to feel better im hesitant to really go back to doing my regular hobbies and out of work activities. they werent fun, but i realize maybe this time it will be different since im no longer having the abusive influence from my parents. i have always wanted to have big muscles and a lean body but for some reason i could never have achieve it, i just couldnt be consistent. why? because i had no drive, noone pushing me in a positive way, no challenge. no incentive. i realize nowadays that i have always lacked incentives, i did everything simply because i had to.

but back to the bigger concern, i want to stop drinking its becoming a big issue. but i know its going to be hard for me to just stop. no incentive. the few times i truly had a reason to do something that really meant something to me i was really focused at it. i went the extra mile, i was so focused i could shoot laser beams out of my eyes. how do i reach this level of devotion consistently?

and iv been to AA(alcoholics anonymous) several times but these meetings make so depressed hearing everyones stories and it just makes me want to drink even more

Alex : The incentive here is YOU!

You need to build yourself, no-one will do it for you!

You can get some motivational support along the way, but it all comes down to yourself.

Do you want to end up as a bum under a bridge, or a sad patient case in a hospital?

I think not.

Ask yourself this when you grab for the bottle : do I really wanna make myself more miserable? Am I not in deep enough sh*t already? I am already starting to deal with that, why should I create another problem?

You CAN say no to the bottle for you own sake, you just don't know it yet.
Numerous people did it before you, and if they can do it, you sure can too!

Find something to distract you when the urge comes up (books, the web, exercise, whatever), and you'll soon see that the need fades away.

Also : there are some pretty amazing vids on youtube about motivation, check them out, and start building yourself up to the guy you are supposed to be.

Don't hesitate to come here if you need an extra kick to get started

Alex, drinking is not the answer. For one thing, it is very bad for your health.
Another thing, I read some stuff about addiction. When a person has an addiction, they usually have two addictions. A primary addiction, and a secondary addiction.

Say a woman has an addiction to sex. That would be her primary addiction. She would drink to ease her pain from being promiscuous. That would be her secondary addiction.

I'm thinking maybe you should stick with the AA meetings. I know they are depressing. But, you may be suffering from depression. You have to face your feelings. Work your way through the pain. I know I medicated myself for years with work and alcohol instead of confronting the issues of my marriage. If I had to do it over I would have met my problems head on.

Stay strong, buddy.

First thing I did was put the plug in the jug. Second thing I did was kick her ass out. Getting better every day. Not easy, but better. Pshhh... pshhh... cough, cough!

ok this morning i forced myself out of bed to go to the noon AA meeting at the local church. the first 20 minutes was some old dude rambling about himself, half of it i couldnt understand the other half was random mumbo jumbo with a swear word in between every word. although i felt very hesitant i decided to share my story. as im speaking i notice as i look around some people are napping, some were on their cell phones, some were even leaving. the meeting leader was reading a magazine and one guy even looked at me and gave me a sarcastic look. then shook him head and laughed. he freakin laughed. then the meeting leader said "hey bud, u need to wrap it up". i was only speaking for about 3 minutes, he spoke for 20. so yes, AA has not helped me in the past it doesnt now. its not for me, iv never been much on group sessions to begin with. what else can do or try to help bolster my resolve to stay sober. because AA wont cut it, sorry.

How about... taking the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth for starters. A.A. is about experience, strength, and hope. If you possess none of the above, dummy the puppet up. Sit back and sponge for awhile. It is NOT about eureka moments or sniveling sessions. It is about real solutions to real problems. It is ONLY about applying the outlined steps for living and learning and actualizing them in your daily life through EFFORT and PATIENCE and PRACTICE, and paying them forward AFTER you have mastered them. Hell I've been married...ya can't hurt my feelings.

(sorry if there are typos my hands are shaking as i type this)
im going to use what little energy i have to type this. after reading your post birdboy it hit me deep and hard. however it has given me an oppurtunity sds to notice that this scenario has repeated itself and im recognizing the patterns. in doinggd this i decided to look deeply at my self and honour my thoughts and feelings. i thought they are their fro a reason and maybe i should ask it questions. in just 3 days i learned aot about myself from myself. however today my feeling and thoughts have reached its apex and im feeling tremendous pain as i am not dissassociating them but attempting to embrace them and hopefully go beyonbd. sorry i collapsed a couple times writin this. my body hurts, my head feels like its on fire. i have very little energy. i feel like my life is slipping away and im feeling the pain from every minute of it. i want to be optimistic but i fear the worst. if i come out on top i will let you guys know, if not.......i tried my best.

Alex,
In the world of men that I come from I can tell you this. There has NEVER been measurable gain without attendant pain, at least not the real kind that I have been blessed to witness in this life. We all suffer in our way. NEVER think that your pain is greater than your neighbors. Look around you...for the grace of GOD there go you. You can see this everyday in a world of suffering, trial and tribulations. The greatest thing you can do in this world is to be of service in SOME way, to be willing to help carry the load willingly, without grudge, for the man who staggers under the weight of HIS load, without the expectation of a thanks, is perhaps the rarest and best attribute of mankind. Perhaps our only real lasting redeeming attribute.

Let me share something with you. My A.A. sponsor had a BIG sobriety party today, I just walked in from the door from attending. He is 92 years old. He is in good health amazingly. He and I actually play racket ball once a week.(I cut him big slack lol). He celebrated FIFTY years of sobriety today. Do not think for a minute human suffering stops with effort. I just becomes easier to "handle" and accept gracefully. As he told me once when I was sitting on my pity pot..."BB depression the highest form of self centerdness and conceit". He also reminded my that indeed we are spiritual beings "enduring" a physical experience. It hurt when he said it but at the end of the day it was a truism for me.

If I could lend you one offer of advice. Go out into the world and do something for someone who is less fortunate than yourself and tell me if your own problems diminish in severity through "your" act of stepping out on them. Wishing you the best of luck. Yours, Bird

i feel better today. i literally dont have a clue as to what i was expiriencing last night it really felt i i was dying. i think i should go see my doctor about it.

Alex,
There is nothing wrong with moments of fear. Courage is only fear faced and directed.

The answer it's in the silence...

Best of the best for you

Cesar

Could have been withdrawal symptoms, depending on your alcohol use lately. If so, they'll disappear soon enough; hang in there.

Hi Alex,

Wondering how you're doing; how's it going?

im doing better, im not on these forums anymore as i feel they dont exactly help me to move forward. to me its good to talk here and hear everyone elses stories but for me after a awhile i need to get past all of this. talking about it on here just brings it back. thx for your concern

Understood, you've got a lot to fix.

Glad you're doing better, wish you all the best on your journey.