I'm kind of at an impasse...

I can't communicate with my wife about anything to resolve any of our problems.
I am still trying to maintain being a good father to my youngest kids. The youngest is 13. We are very close.

I am depressed. Actually, looking back, I have been depressed for 15 years, I just refused to accept it. Despite my depression, I still work out nearly everyday, except for a little break I took last week.
I still work hard and focus on my job.
I have also noticed that I still get a lot of attention from the opposite sex. I'm not seeking out this attention, but it happens. Today, I happened to be at a store and a woman asked me for help with a flat tire. After I repaired it for her, you would have thought that I was some great hero. Even the people in the store treated me like some great guy for helping her. It was nice to get a little appreciation.
It's funny how someone you barely know will give you so much more attention than the wife you have given everything to for the last 21 years.

So, I'm at an impasse. I have a number for an attorney saved in my phone that I may call soon. I also may set up separate checking accounts. I'm sure all hell will break lose then.

I know that I am not perfect. I have admitted this. But, I am tired of beating my head against the wall in a hopeless marriage. I have to keep reminding myself that I married an illusion. She wasn't real. Everything she promised me, said to me, and sexually did with me was an act. There was nothing of substance to it, so it changed to who she really was. A mean demanding, lazy sponge of a woman.

I am still working on my next steps.

Three words stick out like beacons for me in this post. "Saved" and "may" and "then".

The death spiral.....we wait around for spilled drops of appreciation. You see how it is in the normal world. The disordered actually disrespect you for hanging around. Bet you worked harder for less from the crazy one than you did changing that tire.

I see how this is beaten-I feel for you as you have a much tougher escape road than some of us. So one step at a time amigo. Your description of an impasse suggests maybe you are coming to the proverbial cross roads. A family law attorney on your speed dial a big clue. Why don't you just give a lawyer a shout out-a consult is not a commitment to anything. Get your toe in the water-you can gain something from a chat with a good lawyer. And Bird's post points to your use of certain words that maybe a window into your soul and you may still have doubts and perhaps false hopes. As you shake out the doubt we are out here reading watching and pulling for you.

My advice : start eating away at her self-esteem.

Tell her how other people are appreciating you for your help, while she couldn't care less.
She'll probably get angry, but then you hit her with a calm "look at how you freak out, a normal person would just praise me for being a supportive citizen, but you go ballistic on a non-issue. You're not normal". At that, you quickly leave the room before she can find her words.

4 things you gain from this : you clearly state that you do not accept her behaviour, and she knows she's being evaluated against others; 2 treatments that narcs hate. You also show that you stand up for your opinion, despite her attempts to suppress you into the dark ages. Plus you pointed out that you have found another source of appreciation, making you more independent from her.

I'd say that is a pretty good deal...

Jack, people have always expressed great appreciation to me in front of my wife. I think it just made her jealous that it wasn't her or something. She never really responded to me one way or the other about it.
I think she has made up her mind to vacate the marriage. My guess is that she is getting attention elsewhere.

She is almost going NC with me. I guess I shouldn't have left my browser open. LOL.

One other thing...
This is totally out of character for me, but I took off my wedding band last night. My wife hasn't worn her's in about 10 years. She took off her engagement ring after losing weight, and of course none of her new friend's wear their rings. Whatever everyone else does, my wife has to do.

It was weird taking off the ring. But, hell, I haven't seen my wife naked since the early 2000's anyway, so what difference will it make?

I feel sorry for you bud. I have had the opportunity to read many of your posts: no change!
If you follow your Narc. you will end up nuts. That is precisely what they are looking for!
You are fighting a shadow. have you ever considered or ever heard that we could argue with an insane person?
Wake up Man! Sorry for beeing so hard, but a hard man is nice to find. Lol.

On the outside it appears that I have not made much progress. But internally, I think that I have changed a great deal. I think back to the people pleasing person that I was. I really needed everyone's approval. Now, I don't.
I really wanted to make my wife happy, now, not so much.
I reviewed our bills (her credit card situation). I made it clear that I am tired of paying her bills when she hardly speaks to me.
She sat in her chair and I couldn't believe how childlike and feeble she looked. It was kind of disturbing.

Now, when I say that I said this I did not talk in an angry or demeaning tone. I just spoke it clearly and calmly.
I am amazed at how she does not respond at all when I try to talk about anything of importance.
If she hadn't wrecked me financially and made fun of me to her friends, I might have even felt sorry for her.

I am truly different now. It is just taking time to undue a lifetime of my behavior.

You are controlling the BPD. It can be done. But do you always want to have to? I played the game....she always found a hole to wiggle through. Becomes a full time job. I tired of it. Control her and gtfo.