Hi,

Here's another one for you guys to apprehend :

Recently, my wife and I have not been on good terms with each other, as I have started to enforce boundaries to what is acceptable for me.

This means that she does not have a free game ("I want this and that") anymore, and of course does not want to release the conquered territory so easily.

So, she has put a fatwa on me : she does not help with the kids anymore when I'm home, does not cook when I'm around, and usually lies on her bed playing smartphone games.

It has been tough for me, suddenly taking care of the kids all by myself and cooking every evening, cleaning the house, etc. But it was all part of a plan...

My take on it was, I should learn these things anyway, and as hard as it is initially, it will become routine and easier over time.

My goal was to become totally independent from her, making it easier to throw her on the curb in the end.

So, I learned, cooked, cleaned, planned, and started to get better at everything.

All the while, someone else was happily playing games, and repeating that she could not wait for our separation (she has requested divorce), and how nice her life would be after that, and that she does not want the kids, and that she will have all my salary transferred to her by court order, etc.

I'm guessing she was just trying to squeeze me, making me depressed, and waiting for me to collapse and come back begging...

Well, that did not happen...

Things started to go smooth now without her interaction...

So probably someone got a bit worried...

Yesterday she confided that she did want to give the marriage another shot , and had told her relatives so. I myself had only seen the divorce liberation demon, so was not convinced and showed that it made no difference for me.

Lo and behold : this morning she suddenly started to help out again with the kids.

I'm guessing that she lost patience AND got cold feet : I'm clearly showing that I do not care about this marriage anymore, and am just waiting for the divorce.

Sad, but this is the way the game works with them...

Well done Man!
Hold on tight!

In a nutshell - you're right this is their game.

They'll push you right out of the relationship then wonder WTF happened. Or they'll push you right to the edge - see the upcoming consequence and think if they just pull back "that little bit" - things can go back to what they were.

Because their lizard brain forgets - very soon you're "back at the edge" - but this time you (and I) remember we've been here before... so the "pull back that little bit" fails to impress and the consequances of trating us like crap come home. And it's ALL you're fault - and they wonder WTF happened.

all too late.

Then they do it all again - because their lizard brain forgets.....

and repeat!.....

Right about that, New.

Except that I'm a learner, and like to figure out how to do things better next time.

Each time I was on that edge, I learned a bit more, and the escape plan got a bit clearer and more detailed; right now I'm close to a total blueprint...

Guess who will be on the edge next time?

Ok, back to before.

I did not have the time and energy for a foot rub yesterday, so today the misses did not even get out of bed the whole morning; it was just me prepping the kids for school.

The saga continues...

Update :

The missus did not get out of bed this morning, and the monkey has come out of the sleeve : she just accused me of not caring for her, since no-one came to check on her this morning, while she gave no sign of life. She says that she's ill...

*Sigh*

Guess I'll have to tell the kiddo that these games have the unwanted side-effect of making people feeling fooled, so they will not give any attention next time; that that is how this world works...

Let's hope that the child will be able to understand...

Hay jack,

The games afoot for you...

tell your wife-child the story of the little boy who cried wolf...

karmic moment... my narc the older (mother) was taken in to hospital yesterday after a fainting fit, low pulse and low blood pressure, she went from the nursing home ... all on her own because no one could get there, and its the homes policy to rely on family in an emergency ??????? (yeh thats another forum)

Turns out at 83 she is being prescribed too many pills and has been for over 30 years. Further, the pills she's been on for her "heart condition" were never needed, and NOW after 30 odd years have - yep!!!!! damaged her heart.

Couldnt make it up.

The Dr's have been trying to check her out for the last 20 years, each time they say all clear - she cried wolf so got the pills and attention... now she's been told there is no need for half the pills she's been on, furthermore - she is now under intense attention, has lost all her say since she got herself admitted to a home so has no voice.

Part of me is smiling with that smug - "I told you all so" - part isn't...

Wow, that is indeed karma backfiring.

I'd say good riddance...

Jack the younger:
Yes, it's an evil selfish spirit (look up Jezebel) and it's about taking the husband and father's role in the home, and emasculating him, and doing her job, while she primps and plays, and the home and marriage is destroyed.

The narc woman is so selfish, she will even give up her own children, if she has another narc source (man w/ supply she wants) and leave them and never look back too, if they are malignant enough. Deeply damaged individuals from their childhood before you even met them.

You showing that you can and will do the work, and acting 'indifferent' to her manipulations. (passive agressive crap) and can carry on life just fine without her 'wounds it'. That's why no/contact after they leave wounds them when coupled with indifference. They also get 'supply' by watching you twist and squirm in pain if they can. That's what's sick. A normal healthy emotionally responsive wife would never do this to her husband and children that she loves. They, however cannot give love or receive love. Only what they want.

So, you have to stay strong, carry on, and don't play the game. It's counterintuitive thinking for a healthy, logical husband, but it requires retraining our thinking and responses, because this wicked narc spirit is about confusion, complete selfishness, and nothing to do with normal healthy interpersonal relationships.

Yes, it was a power play, but that's what they do non-stop. Just changing the rule all the time. Even showing rage one minute, and fake concern or 'care' to keep you back on your heels and on your knees 'serving 'it'. I refer to it as an it now because that is what 'it' is when they become malignant. We remember only a mirage of what we thought our wive was. Hard to get your head around that, especially when you are still living with 'it' in the house.

Stay strong. You did the right thing. If she thinks she is going to leave, and leave the kids with you, and get all the money to 'control' too, she has another thing coming. Firm boundaries, hard stance on what is right for the kids and your family, even if she is not there. Your kids will figure out eventually what was going on and will respect you for doing what is right anyway, in the face of her childlike, selfish behavior, and willingness to reject her husband, and home and children, for a 'mirage' of what will make her 'happy'. When she gets over there to whatever, where the grass is supposedly 'greener' or the 'supply more abundant, she will wake up miserable and dissatisfied there too, right to the grave. Sad really.

If she is completely narc, and you are convinced of it, you need to insist that she admit to the problem, and go to get counselling on her own from someone specializing in that condition. (Depending on where she is on the sliding scale) If she is malignant, then proceed to end it, as you are ready.

Thank you, Paul, for the insights.

As I'm the one currently doing most of the work around the house, I'm also the one in control. That is a great feeling currently : I'm taking care of my family, I am now fully in my natural role as a provider, and I'm proud of it.

Things can still improve (my cooking eg ), but I'm getting there.

The important part here is control : by giving up her tasks, she has yielded control to me. Sure, she's constantly complaining that "the house looks like a mess", but, being busy, I ignore it, or I show her the cleaning brush with a "feel free to..."

Our relationship already starts to shift, too. I'm now mostly in control in every discussion, she does not "win" anymore like before. In the end, I see that most of her arguments all come down to "I'm right, and you're wrong" in one version or another. I just need to keep my cool and let the facts speak, and after a few rounds, she's in the dirt, trotting away hissing a "It's your fault!", with me watching with a big smile on my face.

God, it feels good to be in control again!

And once I have full control, guess who has to get worried about her place in the family?


Oh yeah, a new turn on the divorce issue : she filed a request for divorce a month ago, but now wants us both to file a request (so me too); she says it is to avoid me telling the kids later that mom left them willingly, as a friend warned her...

She's been pushing really hard for me to agree, but I said I need time to decide about such an important issue in my life, taking away the immediate pressure.

My take on it : you took your decision in a rage, and I'm not gonna correct it for you (anymore)...

Life's about learning from your mistakes, some people just did not know that yet...

You know if her narcissism is at the root of the problem in the marriage and home, and she wants to leave, I wouldn't now go back and also sign a divorce request. That's like blame shifting onto you. (like narcs are so prone to do)

I would let is be obvious to the kids, hey, you know what, I've been a good husband, father and provider, and your mother chose to leave. You don't even have to speak it. Demonstrate it with your actions. As a matter of fact, even if it's almost completely her fault, they say you should run their mother down to them verbally. They will figure it out. Just show them you love them and will do what is right. They will end up respecting you in the long run.

Tell her, since you are rejecting your husband and family by your words and actions, time for you to go, time for you to leave. You have made the decision on your own. Then you will need to decide if and when you are getting hoovered, as you likely will be.

in an attempt to relate to this post im going to share a similar story.dont mean to be selfish or watever just want to bring up asimilar story.after i got home from the military i was a broken, sick, very unhealthy individual.i was suffering from ptsd just by walking out the door everyday. on top of that my parents use and abuse lifestyle. so yes not a very healthy environment to recover from military life. the next two years was hell. i was struggling to find work, i had drinking and smoking issues, my head was constantly hurting from all of the crap i was dealing with and on top of all of this come home to push and pull of the narc household. although i was told differently i knew that there was a serious problem and that there had to be a reason a solution, truth somewhere. i found none so my only option at the time was to leave the household.


but icouldnt, i had no money, no job, everything i owned here. so the only option for me was to use my education benefits from the military and go to school somewhere. at this point i didnt care i just needed out. i chose to study to be a truck mechanic even though i had no background in vehicles nor the real interest, i just wanted out. it was a failure, i felt like a sheep within a pack of wolves at this academy i just didnt belong. within the first 2wks i was failing miserably and i knew i couldnt stand this for 1yr. i left and came back home. i was saddened that i ended up at the last place i wanted to be but i had one avenue for change. just prior to leaving the academy i did some research on my problems in the hopes for an answer/cure. i came across a program called THE LINDEN METHOD.this program was for anxiety sufferers. the info matched the facts and he seemed credible so i bought his program.after i got back home this program was my only goal. 1yr later, i still had sever anxiety and was even worse. it did not work. i was very shot down, felt hopeless. nothing seemed to relive my pain, nothing i did seemed to work. nothing. after countless bottles that night i lay on my floor exhausted and defeated.

in a final attempt to rationalize everything i realized i couldnt, left or right neither was the correct answer. thats when i just gave up and let the wind toss me wherever it wanted. at the time i assumed thats how everything worked in the world. the pain lessened considerably and i felt more relaxed and confident. although i still felt the grip of the narc abuse from my parents i was doing ok and moving forward little by little.

this is a rough sketch of my background these past 3yrs, now on to the good stuff

because all my successes always seemed to be short lived and not consistent i decided to make a HUGE daily concious effort to make it consistent.well it was. although i felt horrible and my senses were constantly bombarded with horrible sensations from narc abuse and its sypmtoms i ignored my feelings and moved forward. little things became big things, i was accomplishing things i never dreamed i could accomplish. i felt more and more confident, and as a result i started to question certain things my narc mother and father were doing. eventually came a day where my narc mother and sister were planning their (conspiracy) to create drama and continue the toxic cycle. i knew the signs because i was raised in this household and could spot drama a mile away and i wanted to avoid it. i was washing dishes that day and after their little huddle up time i heard them approach me. i said to myself "hear it comes".


mom: alex why did u say that about ur sister?
me: say what? (confused look on my face)
sister: dont play dumb, u know what u said
me: remind me
sister: u said "great job alesya, u did good on ur nursing exam"
me:and that is bad....why?
mom: did u seriously just ask that? are u stupid?
i blow my lid at this stupidity
me: O M G, i didnt think it was possible but you managed to turn a warm hearted compliment and turn it into something bad. oh for f u c ks sake im not playing this game

i walk away DRAMA FEED DENIED!!! oh the look on their faces were priceless. if i took a photo of it and showed it to the museam of art they would beg me to have it.

that day i broke a big part of their hold on me. from then on i was no longer victim to their drama games and could smell them from a mile away. i noticed that they ignored me more and more which is natural when narcs know u figured them out. keep in mind i didnt know anything about narcs and feminism at this point.


ill leave it here, sorry it was long but i appreciate having the space to write it here. ty

Jack the younger, I just noticed my typo up there in my last post 'it says, they say you 'should' run her down to your kids. Meant to say 'shouldn't'. Even though she deserves every bit of it, take the high road.

An excellent way to handle it, thank you for the tip!

Ok, here's another one :

Yesterday the narc was jabbing at me the entire day with insults (too slow, too stupid, jadda, jadda)
In the beginning, I fired back, to give her a piece of her own medicine.

But, since we were with the kids, and this person has no limits, I decided that it was better to start ignoring her.

Along comes the evening, and bed-time, and the obligatory foot-massage time.

I had stayed late in the children's bedroom because one of them had problems to fall asleep. After that, I went to wash up, and got ready for bed.

I go to the woman's bedroom, look at her, and :

Me : I'm going to sleep.
She : Yeah, you just stayed with the kids too long so you don't have to massage me anymore, good plan!

At this point, I could have shrugged and left it at that.
I did not.

Why?
Because in this situation I would be the culprit, the one who did wrong, and I would get another round of targetting because of it.
Currently, I'm starting to find out what it is to be a real man, and that this situation exists because of my failure in the past to object.

So I decided to set the situation straight, and I answer firmly :

Me : You have behaved bad to me all day, and I am not going to reward that kind of behaviour with a foot massage; try again tomorrow!

With that, I turn and leave the room towards my own bedroom.
While walking, she starts calling me back from her bed, but I ignore it.

I'm in my bed, and she continues to call my name every minute in a threatening way.

I ignore her completely.

After a couple minutes she suddenly starts banging hard on her bed, while screaming my name. This goes on for about a minute.

I had the intention to get up, to avoid problems with the neighbours and the kids, but realized on time that that would actually be me giving in to her threats again.
So I stayed in my bed.

After that, she gives me a final countdown :
She : I will count to 10, it is your last chance!
She : 1!
She : 2!
She : 3!
She : 4!
She : 5!
Me : 10!
She : what?
Me : 9!
She : what?
Me : 8!
She : 6!
Me : 7!
She : 7!
Me : 6!
She : 8!
Me : 5!
She : 9!
Me : 4!
She : Last Chance!
Me : 3!
She :...
Me : 2!
She :...
Me : 1!
She :...
Me : And!
She :...
Me : AND!

No sound anymore ...

I use the countdown on the kids when they really go too far, and thought it would be appropriate here to show my limit.

After that there was silence, and I was on high alert in my bed, because I knew she would do something, like kick me or scream at me when sleeping.

After a couple minutes though, I realized that this was just another event where she created fear and intimidation to get her way; I clearly had pointed out she was at fault here, and that I was not prepared to reward her in these circumstances. That had made her furious, and she resorted to classic fear mongering and intimidation to get back at me (like she always has when it came down to it), no matter what the costs are.

I came to the conclusion that I needed sleep anyway, and could not stay up the entire night at high alert. The realisation and dissection of her fear tactic made me relax, as I knew what was going on here.

I've made a promise to myself yesterday evening, to call her out on her behaviour, and not accept it anymore if not appropriate.

I guess the big deal for her was not only that I objected to her majesty's wishes, but even pointed out that the queen did something wrong. On top of that, her usual fear tactic failed on her, which means that she now has no means left to control her inobedient slave...