My wife of many years suddenly announced she was leaving about 10 months ago, and I began the whole journey to understanding narcissism and what had been going on with this woman I thought I married.

About three weeks ago, I ran into another gentleman at church and found out his situation was very similar to mine. He was a pilot, and came home, and she has removed her ring, tatooed a man's name on her ring finger, and had him in the condo with her. He could see her kissing him as he locked the door in his face. His two young daughters were in there with them. He, being an ex-marine started to get upset and seven police cars came. They told him he needed to get over it and move on.

While flying out of town, his hand was injured and stuck in rehab, with surgery likely. He has been separated for a year and a half unable to see his kids, stuck in the rage, silence, rage control, withholding of contact with his daughters even by phone.

I began to educate him about what narcissiam was and what was going on. She is 150% off the chart malignant narcissist.

I helped him recognize what is going on. Told him he needs to educate himself, so he knows how to better respond and not. He just wants his girls out of there and back. She sent bogus divorce papers but didn't file them,and is just playing with his emotions.

I've noticed a pattern, she will rage spray attack on five or six topics, and we will bring it all right back to the core issue decisively and shut her down and shut her up. She will then not hear from him, and about 24 to 48 hours later, send a cutsie picture like boy hugging puppy dog with 'I love you' on it. His first response is to send back me to, thinking it's meant to send a message she is sorry. I am like she is still living with that scum, it's meant only to torture you and cause pain. She doesn't love you, never has, she's an empty shell. You are in love with a mirage of what you though she was. She has demeaned you, devalued and discarded you. That's what they do. She will keep you on a string forever as a secondary source of supply if you let her

He keeps saying I just want my girls back. Not her. She has been taking the girls phones and turns them off on weekends, and even sends fake texts like 'Gee, mom, dad seems sad' etc to mess with his head.

I told him to threaten her with divorce, and that her withholding his ability to communicate with his daughters is accumulating as evidence that can easily prove she is an unfit mother along with everything else she has dragged into the home. It seemed to work. He was able to reach both of them Friday, for the first time in weeks, and then she sent a couple nostalgic you tube video links, and he stayed no contact. Then their phones were off again for the weekend. He is naturally very upset again, and wants to blast away threaten her. (But also recognizes she has been turning their phones off for a long time) I told him, she also recognizes that is an area she can cause him pain, since we have hammered back all the other avenues she was doing it to him, pretty much.

Any ideas?

I don't have any sound ideas or advise on this one at present Paul, other than a simple comment. Your friend is one lucky guy having you being there in his corner during this most difficult time. Your a pro.

Well, I appreciate that. But wish I didn't know so much about this evil spirit and everything related with it, frankly. And more and more I believe (especially when it gets to the malignant stage, it is completely a spiritual problem,and it is pure evil.)

I see the pain he is going through, and how it is affecting his kids, and it just shouldn't be that way.

I keep telling him he needs to really educate himself on narcissism, and pointing him to all these related sites, but he doesn't do enough reading on it, in my opinion. Fog of war, PTSD. etc. I have even told him, you are not thinking clearly. You are stuck in this cycle of abuse and respond. I am not sure he is snapping out of it. He just goes back to "I just want my kids back'.

We threatened her in some pretty devastating ways all the way around, and shut her up and shut her down. The communication with the kids remains a problem and I don't know what to tell him. I helped him get the door open some, but she is playing with him on that. I have told him, you cannot show any weakness. She is probing. Looking for an area to cause you pain. You have to realize what you are now dealing with. I am not sure he is there yet. He is like, well you need to be careful of some of these websites out there, there is a lot of misinformation out there. I am like, yes, but there is a lot of good helpful information out there too. You need to sort it out. I include this site among those recommendations, frankly.

I have no answer its just a **** shame what people are capable of doing to their kids. I'm at my sons in Michigan I came for a vistit while here he had a terrible accident at work. I'd kill for my children fact. I'm not suggesting that. Evil is all around us and all we can do is try to protect our own. And try helping more people become aware of what lurks in the shadows. If I could press a button and make them pay for what they do I would. Karma is what I hope for but what one of us wants to watch a person we loved wither not me. As the days go by my thoughts of her fade thank god for that. Time does heal all wounds or the ones that can be healed. I have wounds that can never be healed guess that is my karma...

PEACE

My opinion : he's desperate now, so he needs a strategy : a strategy to get his kids back. I'm sure he's prepared to do whatever it takes for the kids' sake, and knowing he's working on the big plan will help to keep his emotions in check.

This strategy will involve setbacks, but nevertheless the big picture is still on. Also : setbacks are valuable situations to learn from and improve your plan.

My advice for the first step : he needs to work on regaining total self-control. Understandably, his wife touches the strongest emotions inside him, and he needs to learn to disconnect totally. Yes, she did him wrong, but this is also an excellent opportunity to learn new skills (self-control) and become a better man because of it.

About the emotional side : he needs to realize and accept what's been going on, how he has been cheated all these years, and forgive himself for allowing it to happen (she was just better at it than him). She has in fact showed him what kind of devious people are out there, and his job now is to learn from it and finetune his strategy to deal with this kind of "people".

One book that has helped me along the way : Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward. It details how to recognize verbally abusive situations, and how to counter them succesfully. It also brings forward some enlightening options for each kind of blackmail situation that you never though you actually have.

Once he's mastered these skills, it's time to work on getting his kids out of there. That's for another post.

I admire that in a father husband. I am the same way, I would trade my life for my son's. Many men would not. I believe a narc mother will give up her kids for new narc supply from some other guy if he told her too. Complete selfishness.