Okay,I have really looked at my role in the marriage and how I allowed myself to be manipulated and what not.
Now, what I can't understand is this...
I have strongly suspected that my wife has cheated on me over the years. For some reason, I can let that go. It doesn't bother me. Why? Why doesn't it make me angry?
The funny thing is, if my wife came to me and said, "let's make this work" I could easily put the past behind us.

Is this a self-defeating trait?
Is it simply lacking boundaries? If so, how do you build boundaries?
Is it good to be forgiving? Or does it cause more problems?

I don't want to be some cuckold husband. I want to be a man!!

Beaten,

Wow, I had to respond to you even though I've no idea what to say. I'll just affirm to you that my whole heart goes out to you. Your pain is so evident and so real. I am so very sorry you're living this terrible torment.

Speaking from my own experience, I know I'd have forgiven my wife almost anything, I loved her so deeply. I think you do too. You're right about boundaries. They are good at blurring the lines then erasing them completely while they themselves answer to nobody.

As for forgiving, remember there can be no forgiveness without repentance. Otherwise you just become a doormat for her. If she were to come to you and admit it, broken hearted and fully remorseful, then it's entirely up to you to decide if you will forgive her. Even the law recognizes that adultery is grounds for divorce, so this is serious stuff.

Have you any new evidence that cheating has occurred? Did you ever confront her with an accusation? Why has this come up now?

Hang in there.

Been there is right on. If there is true remorse for what a spouse has done, there will be confession, repentence, a turning from sin, brokenness, and if accepted by both a chance to then rebuild in a better and stronger way.

This however takes 'empathy' which narcissists are known not to have, so the fact that their adultery hurt or affected their spouse or even their children, or others usually doesn't concern them. They can't 'feel' it. They are also often 'looking' for something outside of the marriage for additional supply, whatever form that takes, so will likely lie or deceive even after apologizing again. That sadly rarely changes either. Their apology may only be because they got 'caught' and are sorry about that or so they can continue 'using' their spouse for supply.

Only you can judge whether your wife is a narcissist and where on the sliding scale she is. I think mine tipped over to malignant, but she also announced she was leaving on her own, so it was more straight forward in my case. It was also after she had let me forgive her over and over and over, in a 32 yr. marriage. Becase I was trying to love her and remain faithful to my vows. In the end, it meant nothing to her, and when I began to figure her out, and she had taken almost everything...bam...gone. Only you can know the reality of your situation there, though you are in the fog of war still.

Yes, it is about boundaries though. Narcissists don't know the meaning of the word I think.

If a person has no boundaries left, they can expect almost anything as they are likely to get it, and it's a downward spiral from there. It's a hard thing to come to grips with, I know.

Haven't talked to you in a while brother, but have kept tabs on your postings occasionally.

Wait just a d a m n minute there is nothing wrong with you got that mister. Answer me this have you put forth effort? Don't tell me you haven't cause I know you! If you think for a New York second bearing your sole in an open forum like this is NOT MAKING EFFORT think again my friend. I'm not giving you advise you ARE a man and have been around the block. So chill out think it through make the choice you only have one right/wrong make it we will support you. You know how to reach me anytime just call.

PEACE!!!!