This marriage restoration thing is taking forever...

I still have been fairly vocal in my disappointments in our marriage. As I have stated, I take some of the blame.

Well, lately I've felt a little more alpha, and I even gave the wife a little smack on the ass yesterday.

Today, I kind of kept to myself until my son came to visit from college. He visits every Sunday. She was very talkative to me all afternoon. Shared stuff with me that she hasn't in a long time. I listened. I didn't get overly involved. But I did tell her that I missed her. To which she didn't reply. But, she continued talking to me.
She made dinner for the family, then before dinner, she suggested that we say grace. She never does that.

Maybe this thing is coming together? I know now not to get my hopes up too much, for tomorrow is a new day.

I guess I need to be strong and withdrawn to her. Which I can do, I just don't want to do it because that is what I feel she needs. I just need to be myself, and be aware that does not want emotional depth.

BTW, I have been journaling a bit. Putting my weaknesses into my notebook seems to help. After all, I grew up a belittled "98 pound weakling" in my home. Inside that little kid still exists. He just needs to heal up.

I guess I need to figure out a way to use her BPD to my advantage. I think her emotionality is the key. She can tend to forget when things aren't good and change quickly. I missed out on a couple of opportunities when she changed suddenly like this. Due to the fact that I was reluctant to fall back into the way things were.

I know this is a lot of work. I am doing this for the family. One thing I have noticed, is since I have caught on to her BPD, my kids are following my lead. They call her out when she does something that they don't like. The thing is, she really listens to them. She doesn't listen to me.

Beaten: If you are still working on some things, go to You Tube, and the 'Marriage Today' website with Jimmy and Karen (Marriage Videos). You all can watch them online, separate, or together. They are on TBN and Daystar too.

They are the best, bar none I've found. Great insight from a biblical perspective, but also just good common sense, and lots of their own life experience applied.

They can only help you all and will not 'hurt' whatsoever, so I encourage you to dig in to all their material. Watch as many as you can.

I appreciate the tip Paul. I will check them out!

Read this.....

http://www.reignitethefire.net/dating-bpd-establish-respect/

Thanks, Chump. I've been studying these articles. Again, if I was single this would not be worth it. It's funny, many of the problems in our marriage were created because I was walking on eggshells so much.

I have to fight the urge to tell her that I love her. I have to fight the urge to want to have conversations with her. It's nuts!
I'd really like to have somebody that I could talk to intimately.

Over the years I used to try to sext her. She would just get mad.
When I finally gave up on the marriage, she came around. I have to keep that in mind. You cannot seduce them, they have to want you. Nothing I can do (short of winning the lottery) can make her want me. It has to come from within her. I think she is motivated by seeing what she can gain. So, if I had more money, or if she sees someone else showing an interest in me, she will come around.
I know this is crazy. I just have to find a way to make things work.

In fact, I will make a list now of what motivated her to pursue me.

In the early years it was sex, plus I had a good job while I was in college. I spent my money freely on her. I was also kind of a tough guy.

In the early years of marriage she wanted me because she wanted a house and to get pregnant.

I was first devalued when I was downsized from a job and she had a friend who was trying to drive us apart.

I got a very good job a couple of years after that, after working 3 jobs at a time, 7 days a week. Of course, when I was working 7 days a week I was devalued.

When I gave up on the marriage and her friends openly showed an interest in me she made a sudden turn around. This was after months of hard core devaluing. The change was very abrupt. I almost asked her why she was being so nice to me. Looking back, I wish I had.

Lastly, about a year ago, she showed interest, but I was reluctant to fall in line.

Sorry about the length, I'm just sorting stuff out in my head. I guess looking at the above list doesn't say much for how she feels about me.

Interesting pattern developing. She is nice to me on the weekend. During the week she is relatively cold. Makes me wonder who is visiting her at work.

Beaten, your pain threshold is stellar. I am "amazed".

My parents "trained" me well.
Anyway, while I was working today, I just wanted to text my wife and tell her so many things, like "I love you" and drivel like that.
Normally I would succumb to this temptation. Instead, I brought a journal with me on the road. I pulled over and wrote all of my thoughts and feelings. All of my frustrations from over the years. So, I successfully avoided sending her an overture of love, only to be responded to with "ok."
So, I think I am making progress.

Again, the only reason I'm doing this is to keep the family intact. I think of my life and I knew if I only had one person that I could have counted on, my life would have turned out vastly different. So, I am the one my kids can count on. They are doing quite well in life, I can't disrupt that.
Plus, I am holding out for a major miracle.