I took an online test to see if I had a personality disorder myself. I scored very high on this. Perhaps it's always been a problem for me or life transformed me into this. I don't know if this is a prevalent problem among men who get involved with controlling bpd's, but here is some info.

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/dependent-personality-disorder-symptoms/

Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a pervasive fear that leads to “clinging behavior” and usually manifests itself by early adulthood. It includes a majority of the following symptoms:
•Has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others
•Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life
•Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval
•Has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)
•Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant
•Feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself
•Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends
•Is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself

I would say that narc women have radar to find somewhat co-dependent men, at least those with those tendencies. Since opposites often attract, then they get married. But as the narc womans traits get stronger, and stronger, the man get more and more demeaned and devalued, and accepts having less and less of his needs met, until one day, she bolts, or he stands up and says, you know, this is an unhealthy relationship. When you start to catch on, she will leave. When you stop cooperating, she will leave. When she finds better supply elsewhere she will leave, unless you have no boundaries, and are willing to stay in 'limbo' to give her 'normal' props forever, while she plays and does whatever she wants.

Yes, you need to take a hard look at yourself, and do the inner work, and do some healing. I did some of that for about six months, and I decided, I'm a good man, husband and father, and deserved better. I tried to keep my vows to her, in spite of what was going on, but time to move on now. She'd have to be broken in a million pieces and humbled and completely sorry, before I'd even consider going back as a possibility, and even then I'd be skeptical.

So, yes, I would say keep working on yourself, regardless.

Thanks. I am sure you are a good man too. She just hasn't told you for a long time, not did mine. When you are feeling unloved and disrespected, it's not a lot of fun. Just start doing some inner work too. Maybe you have been so focused on her, and how you are, or are not relating to each other, you have not yet done so.

Everyone feels loved and special during the dating, love bombing stage, when both are putting their best foot forward all the time. A wonderful time. Then
marriage happens, and some real relationship required, give and take.

You need to just be 'okay' with yourself whether she is around or not. That takes changing your self talk inside. Even if your parents were less than perfect like most one way or another. Work on the spiritual part of things too. It helps a lot.

Yeah, you almost get brainwashed. Thinking, if I just 'do this' then maybe she will be happy. They will be nice one day, and cold the next. Always giving you some hope, and then withdrawing it. It's terrible. Just not the way a reasonably healthy relationship should work. Of course it goes back to the fact that they 'can't love', and won't let you love them. It's only what they can get from you. Not a very good feeling when you really realize that fact.

It's good you are working out and reading the Word etc. Take care of you, strengthen your inner core, change your self talk. Like 'I am a good man', you know, I screwed up every now and then, but I've been a good husband, and father best I could. I'm okay. I have some boundaries. I deserve some respect when I do what is right. (But don't expect it from her) etc. Start telling yourself those things and more.

I don't know if you can really get a grip on the 'reality' of it while under the same roof or not. She did me a favor by moving out. I had already caught on, and learned how to respond, and wasn't playing the game anymore, but it made things even more clear for me than ever, when I wasn't wondering every single day what kind of mood she was going to be in, or whether what I did or didn't do would give me the cold shoulder treatment or whatever again.

Well spoken Paul!

Thanks Chump, unfortunately it's painful experiences that give me that insight, like too many others here as well.

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it........especially personal history.

You're right about that. When you've paid the price once, learn from it and make sure you don't have to pay it again.

And some of us paid it two or three times with the same woman.......just smack me!

Yeah Mark they sure have a way of using sex first to win you and then to harm you. They are also quick to flaunt how much "better" life is with a new pecker in theirs cheeks.

Myself I never much went in for sexual jealousy. For some men it is a red hot button. For me its more about the facts and not the acts. The end of my deal with my little nightmare was more in line with this scenario.
Her "no man says no to this" as the towel drops.
Me "then I will be the first" and walked out the door.
Then in a subsequent e-mail she implied I was q u e e r.
I did not respond. Last contact. Like a bubble hanging over our lives that was her last words to me. Most men would have defended. I just let it hang there.

Sex is easy
Love is an art
Things got sleazy
Time for us to part