My wife's mother has lung cancer and is in the hospital. She's running back and forth all day taking care of her mother, which is great, and bringing her food. Anyway, I predicted what would happen. The martyr in her came out this morning. The house was a mess so she had a fit - screaming at our daughter (12 yo) that she should be asking how she can help mommy and how she's so disappointed in her. "My mother's dying and you...(fill in the blank and repeat 50 times)." I understand her pain, but she's taking it out on me and our daughter. She's so self-absorbed it is mind-boggling.

As for me, apparently I'm not teaching our daughter correctly. I should be instructing her to help out even though I have a major work-related exam tomorrow that I have been preparing for 6 months. That doesn't matter - nothing matters except the narcissist's feelings when the narcissist feels bad.

Anything that upsets her brings out an utter, complete (and I hate this word, but it's appropriate here) B----.

I said she's a narc, but more accurately, she fits the mold of a borderline personality.

Hi Star,

She's desperate, obviously.

One thing about women, is that they will never admit they can not handle the house. They see it as a failure of themselves, when they have to ask someone to help at home. The route that most women take, is to insult the innocent bystanders, and shame them down, because "they should have helped without any asking". I've seen it often enough.

Instead of being normal, and expressing that she has too much on her plate right now, and that she really would appreciate if you could give a hand.
No, she bottles it up, until it breaks, and out come the deamons.

Immature, that's what it is.

You can try to make it clear that you know she's in distress, but that her behaviour is unacceptable and irresponsible: she's pushing the people away that she needs most right now.

Feel sorry for you mate, have seen it more than I care to know.

I do feel sorry for her, but I'm not a punching bag. Unfortunately, I can't stop her from emotionally abusing my daughter.

When my wife got back from the hospital, I was in the process of having my daughter do her homework. My wife got angry b/c my daughter was having a friend come over. I was helping out to the best of my ability. She knows I have the test tomorrow and in the past I've always made a major effort to take care of the house when she couldn't and I also involved my daughter in taking care of the house. This is her MO. If she's in a bad mood, she takes it out in a highly abusive manner on the people closest to her.