Can anyone please suggest something I can say or do to help my 22 year old son? He has gotten involved with a very abusive and narcissistic female. Recently she held a knife to his throat and threatened to kill him---he called the cops and then she, of course was all apologetic so he dropped charges.

She keeps 24-7 tabs on him. She even works in the same store as he does. She controls his phone, his emails and regular mail, she has all of his clothes and gives him what she wants him to wear, she wears the good Hollister stuff we bought him, he wears goodwill.

He has cystic fibrosis ( A fatal lung disease) and she consistantly smokes around him. She has separated him from all his former friends and we rarely see him. The other day he stopped by with a black eye and a nonsensical story about a dog hitting him in the eye

She has forbidden him any contact with us over the holidays and we are just heartbroken. He is such a nice sweet mild mannered kid and doesn't have the experience to know what this vicious person is.

She has had three different pregnancies , all by different women and all the children were taken by Protective Services due to a "failure to protect order" We have learned from others that she has affairs on our son...

Is there ANYTHING we can say to help???? We feel so desperate, we love him so much.....

First thing is first. He has to want to leave. Its true, sounds like he is stuck in a spiral, in fear of leaving her. If its that bad and he knows it he must find the strength to leave. Alot of us here have been stuck in similar situations, but his sounds very extreme. Its not going to get better for him if he decides to stay, if anything this abuse will get even worse than it already is. Talk to him about leaving her, its only in his best interest. Types like that will not take no for a answer. If a restraining order must be taken out than so be it. She will NOT change!

I wish I knew what to say to him....We have begged him to leave her....he tells us we don't understand, he can HELP her....We keep telling him we love him and that HE will always be welcome in our home but that as retired counselors/teachers we cannot condone someone with her abusive ways and temperment. We used to report people like her to protective services....
what gave you the strength to leave? We try to keep the door open but she blocks our every attempt and refuses to let him have contact with former friends, especially if they are female or tell him the truth.

We fear for his life and have gone to the police but they tell us unless he files a complaint, there is nothing they can do because he's 22

Terri, I understand your concern. My mother stood by my side all throughout my spiral with my ex. She spent many hours talking to me about leaving her and moving on with my life. Same with my friends. I was stuck in the mode your son is in now. Denial. Those red flags I ignored for so long were there blaring. I just chose to ignore them because I wanted the love back she showed me that made me feel on top of the world at one time. That day never came. Everyday i thought "its going to get better, if I do this, dont do that, ect". I was miserable, i couldn't remember genuinely being happy. What gave me the strength was pure realization, its not going to get better, no matter what I did. It was either choose this life, or be free and find someone else that genuinely cares about me. The best thing your son has on his side is support. But like I said, he has to realize it himself. Everyone else can see whats being presented, he just has to see it. I know its hard, I was there too. He cant help her, the biggest mistake us men can do is believe it will get better, she can change, we can help....but we cant. We just had to walk away and never look back.

You can always suggest to him to watch videos on narcissism, James has alot of insightful videos, he has to realize hes being victimized. Or you can suggest he come here. We can help. The guys on here help support one another, give each other advice and insight with all our different stories and situations. The guys on here helped me during my darkest days, im sure we can help him too.

thanks original Chris, you are one of the only people to give me some advice that actually helps. I have heard everything from just walk away and forget him to ....what is wrong with you=if he loves her, you should embrace her. My husband & I actually did try to talk to her three times, twice it ended in her having an explosion and scaring the crud out of us and the other time she was so illogical and self absorbed, we felt we were talking to a two year old.

From out prospective, we have always, always accepted anyone our son brought home...but this time it is different. She is horribly dangerous. Not just physically, she is emotionally and pschologically manipulative as well. I think this is especially hard for us because he is adopted and has Cystic Fibrosis. We fear she will ultimately cause his death either due to the illness or abuse. Accepting her would be similar to allowing Charles Manson in our home.

this whole thing is such a nightmare and a heartbreak. She has Aaron (our son) convinced that WE are the bad guys. and that he should not talk to us or see us, even though we live in the same town. When I look at tapes on this site, I just want to cry, it's like they are describing her to a "T". All the pictures are with her as a focus (although she's far from beautiful)...everyone owes her something and any criticism means you don't understand just how wonderful she is.

She gives our son just enough good strokes after a blow up that he holds out this hope that she will return to the "Wonderful" person she was when they first met...she won't of course...but he believes if he makes it perfect enough, she will.

She told me once that love means wanting to be with the person you love (meaning Aaron) 24/7. When I suggested that usually couples spent some time apart...i.e. jobs, hobbies, friends, she gave me a look that reminded me of Linda Blair in the Exorcist.....

Her sister AND her mother have both tried to explain to Aaron he should leave her....but as the sister says, "We know it's selfish but we also like having Aaron here because he keeps Ashley (the Narcessist) occupied and she's not terrorizing us.

Sorry to dump on you...this is just so hard and painful....I really appreciate the support....

BTW, if you could only pick ONE video to show my son...which one would you suggest?

Terri, when I was involved with my first narc, my parents and everyone told me to leave her. I wouldn't listen. Part of it was the fact that I wanted to prove to everyone that I wasn't wrong in sticking things out with her.

Thinking back, if my parents hadn't given me so much grief about her, I would probably have just broken up with her and saved myself a great deal of heartache.

Your son is a man now. Just tell him that. Tell him that he needs to make the decisions that are best for him. Let him know that you will be there for him if you need him.
Other than that, he has to be the one who decides what road he wants to take. I know it's hard...but sometimes letting him go may be best for everyone.

Terri. Theres so many to watch I dont know where to begin. The video on top of this page called "stop second guessing yourself" is a good start. Pd disorders are very complex, he needs to educate himself and know he isnt the problem. Your son sounds alot like me back then. He needs to know that this treatment will not get better. My ex did alot of the same things, she wasnt physically abusive, she threatened to be but never got that far. She didnt like me talking to family about her behavior. She was terrified of my family from the very beginning because they could see through her. If he wants this to stop he has to come to the realization it will not get better. Hes a victim, plain and simple, and shes going to drain him like a vampire like shes doing now. The sooner he reaizes that, the sooner he could be on the right path to recovery. Its a long path, it took me almost a whole year to heal. But i got there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izMrZcE30X4

And he did not break her and can never fix her. The fixing trap is a hard one to escape.

wow that is the best statement I have ever heard...thank you so much for putting it into perspective, now if I could just help him understand this....before it's too late. We miss him soooo much!

feeling so sad....I know we will not hear from our son this holiday season, he has already missed Thanksgiving and Hannukah....(as well as Mothers and Father's Day), I will of course, quitely put the presents I've wrapped away in the closet...this is just so hard.....

We were recently told that his narcisist just had another explosive blowup and tore a door off a room in the place they share....with her mom.....we were asked for advice and we advised the caller to call the police and report her violent behavior...but I know the caller is scared of her too....

She is one extreme personality and scares just about anyone she's around. We think our son is scared and feels trapped and doesn't know how to break free,....we keep telling him he's always welcome in our home (she is not, we are scared of what she might do in our home) and that no matter what we love him, now and always....

but these lonely holidays are the worst, he's our only living kid (we lost our first son to Cystic Fibrosis many years ago)

Wishing for a Christmas Miracle-

i doubt hes scared and feels trapped. men are willing to put up with horrible women. ive been there. at most its annoying and frustrating but its better than not having a girlfriend at all even if she sucks pretty hardcore and ive been with a full blown narcissist who would elbow me if i held her at night over and over again then randomly let me hold her. she would also want to beat me up without me fighting back or shed call the cops. i would fight back though. at the end of the day it was more annoying and complaining to her dad about his daughter being garbage. but i was fine being with her cause it was more fun than being alone.