During the idealisation phase they try hard to present to you "the perfect match", your clothes and hobbies speak volumes to them, this is how they tell what kind of person you are. They emulate this to hook you, this is all fake. They have no real personality so they steal off what others taught or showed them. My ex was famous for this, she would take parts of other peoples interests and incorporate them into herself to make herself seem more interesting. I see this is common with narcs, but those very things you are interested in, they turn to hate about you, and you find out it was all a sham to hook you. Then with the next person, they use this false persona they learned along the way to appeal to another victim.

The I love you, hate you cycle is another trick. They only "love" you when you comply to what they ask of you. "You need to do this more for me", but expect after you do what they ask, you get yet another demand, or it simply wasnt good enough ect. "I only expect the bare minimum at least" couldn't be farther from the truth. Its really all or nothing. My ex narc made my life a living hell about cleaning the house when she made the mess everytime. I couldn't help everyday since i was working nearly 60 hours a week. She worked about 30. On my days off I was expected to clean the house. Sounds reasonable. ON MY DAYS OFF. I worked 12 hours a day and came home late to sleep. She complained she was tired after her 5 hour shift so i wasnt allowed to be tired after mine, "oh your tired, im way more tired". This went on the entirety of the time we lived together. It basically turned into me cleaning the house on my day off, while she went out to drink at the bar by herself. Yes.....this happened EVERY weekend. But back to the topic, what im basically saying is with this, you get stuck in the mode of wanting to keep the peace so you comply with whatever the narc asks, then the eggshell feeling sets in. She will threaten to leave if you dont. If its to her liking ( at least for the moment ) you will get the affection that once felt so great. We all missed that feeling. Its what keeps us staying hoping it will come back if we continue to comply. Then on to the next expectation she gives you, the bar will be set higher. This continues on and on, you have to PROVE you love her, then well....maybe she'll love you back, get it?

Contradicting, you cant do this, but i can. My ex was so jealous of my female friends, which i had very few that i would see every once in a while. Never slept or did anything sexual with these women. Yet she felt uneasy. I once told her I thought one of these girls i found attractive when I was 16 years old, which was now 15 years ago. She ended up marrying one of my best friends as a matter of fact. NEVER HEARD THE END OF IT. She was convinced i had slept with her and we must like each other. But nothing like that ever happened, AND SHE WAS MARRIED TO MY FRIEND! So this in turn led her to believe it was perfectly ok to give out her phone number to old flings and exes that still had a thing for her because of that particular friend. And it was also ok for her to talk with her exes after she just dumped them mere weeks after she came back to me. I would object to this of course but it became "ah no, you are still friends with HER arent you?!" You will never win, these women look for these minute details to use against you to hide their unfair actions. They will forget that sweet thing you did for them once easily, but things like this.....on no, they will remember that. Its just more ammo they found to use on you.

Ill have much more put up later, comments and more input welcome on this too guys.

Another gem...thanks.

You are right, they use your perceived wrongs against them in order to get all of their little revenges.
I recall being on the defensive so much. I tried so hard not to upset her.

Sounds familiar. When I finally had enough of it and I finished the relationship and threw her, her sister and her sisters boyfriend out of my house I was the bad guy. She hates me now because of this. They don't think of the reasons why, they don't understand there are consequences in life.

Heres more.

The first time this woman flys into a rage, for even the smallest thing. Its a red flag. They do this to gauge a reaction. To see if you are going to get angry back or calm her down. This is how they establish their power over you. If its a percieved wrong, you gotta come back and apologize. This happens over and over slowly until you become completely submissive. In between these cycles they are great. Thats because when you do the next "wrong", you are punished with her anger, and threat to leave so you can try harder to keep the good going. Before you know it, this is the daily ritual.

Its always your fault, their fault. They cannot be seen as the bad one. It was my fault that she kept these guys hanging around, it was my fault she went and got another guy immediately after i moved out, it was his fault for getting with her because she was vulnerable, it was my fault i couldn't trust her, it was my fault for not giving her the life she wanted immediately, it was the other guys fault for not being who she wanted, ect ect. Blame cannot process with them. It did not compute with her that i could not trust her after she lied and manipulated me around to get the last guy, until she was caught. Then she was angry....for being caught. No remorse. She didn't understand that in order for me to give her that other chance, she had to show me she was ready to move on by cutting ties with them, i never said she had to be a ***** about it either to them, just sever the ties. Nope....that was too much to ask. For them to accept blame is like going to jail. They will feel they have to emotionally pay for their consequences. But they see nothing wrong with their behavior simply because....its all about them not you. And why should they? When they can easily but on the facade to the next guy to make them feel great, because after all they are obviously so great and desirable. So why should they have to deal with your feelings and boundaries. Its basically you accept it and go on, or hit the road. Trust me.....hit the road.

i still laugh how she made you have her sister and boyfriend live with you lol. what a cuuuunt