Let me start off by saying im codependent like a lot of guys so I dont know what to do with myself if i dont have a girlfriend. that combined with being antisocial and hardly leaving the house means i tried a lot of online dating. over the years it got harder and harder to online date. eventually no women contact me anymore so this has destroyed my self esteem.

i have lost most my jobs due to emotional problems a lot of times even walking off the job when i saw something about my exgirlfriend with a new boyfriend and my self esteem starts plummeting. i always regret when i do that.

i dont even have a car anymore cause a ex wrecked it. this was years ago.

i am back with my parents hardly working hardly motivated. i either ride my bike or get a ride these days. recently my dad took the wheels off my bike and disabled the home phones. my dad has done similar in the past which sent me into a rage which got me in jail for a few days and fired from my job. it happened again last night. i went into a rage because he disabled phones and took tires off my bike and hid the car keys etc. he did this cause my narc ex called my parents telling them to make me stop calling.

i ended up throwing down the big screen tv and pushing my dad and throwing a dog food bowl at my brother before leaving and going for a walk til 5 in the morning. im surprised they let me back in the house i know they called the cops on me. did i mention i dont have a door on my room cause 5 years ago i had a exgirlfriend spent the night?

im not allowed to drive
im not allowed to ride my bike
i just got the phones back on after throwing a fit
im not allowed to have a house key
im not allowed to have a door on my room
etc

im not joking the only way i get some of these things back is by throwing a fit or years will go by where im not allowed to do things.

but anyway. traveling on bike or walking long distances makes me feel like a complete failure. it has gotten to the point where i dont understand how so many people have money and jobs. i gave up on my education and work because of exgirlfriends bailing on me leaving me to die alone. i dont believe in love anymore. i have no self worth. i hate everything i used to enjoy in life.

i hope none of you guys have to go through this. im currently applying for job and trying to bullshiet myself into trying school again. im just tired of being so poor and alone and hating my life.

It sounds like you grew up in a controlling and chaotic environment.

Have you ever tried to leave the town your parents live in?
You need to get away from them.

It's tough, I know.

When I was in my teenage years and I was trying to establish my identity, my dad did nothing but verbally rip me apart and set crazy arbitrary rules. I almost felt like he could tell when I was happy and he would set out to tear me down. I was so depressed all of the time. I started drinking regularly to numb the pain. I now realize that I was self-medicating in order to escape the pain my narc dad was inflicting on me.

Just take things one step at a time. Be patient and try to learn to love yourself. I know it is hard to do. Don't base your value on external things or other people's opinions.
Oh, and it is okay to feel like a failure. Allow that to drive you to be something better in the future. Make a plan for your life.

One of the greatest bits of advice that I ever had was from a woman I knew who was a couple of years older than me. I was struggling through college and working a crappy job. She told me to create a five year plan for my life. When I sat down to plan it out I had no clue what I wanted or even how to do it.
So, I started with where I wanted to end up. I wanted to be out of college. I wanted a decent job. Then I focused on those things.
Well, it worked.

I went from an insecure clumsy kid to having a very good job now. I am very respected in my business. I just keep failing at my marriage. But, maybe I will make another 5 year plan and see what happens.

Speak to a therapist who can help you and maybe prescribe some medication. Also get on a course and get a qualification in something you like.

I feel like you some days. I have to stop myself doing a lot of the things you do. It will take time but I promise there are good times in the future to come to you, I promise you.

I feel for you, my friend. Good luck.