After calling me last night. Speaking on the phone for a long time. Mine is now telling me she still loves me but will NEVER get back together with me. A couple of weeks ago she was looking in my eyes telling me she loves me. Today she has said for me to stop telling her I love her. She is not interested on getting back with me and never will and thinks it's best we don't speak to each other again.
We've been through so much together and for some reason I still love her. After everything and claiming she still loves me. How can she be like this towards me? I've always loved her so much and I've always shown it. Apart from throwing her, her sister and sisters sponging bum of a bf out of my house. I've always been so loving to her and when she weren't being horrible and controlling shown me the same. I feel like if her sister and useless bf didn't come along, I'd never have thrown her out and all this wouldn't be happening. I told her this and she says it's not their fault it's mine. What was I supposed to do?

I'm so confused. She also says we are no good together and can't be together despite what feelings she has for me. Love isn't eneough. I love her with all my heart and I've told her. All I want is to cuddle her. After all she's done to me she is acting like this is all my fault. Why am I the one feeling this way? Why am I being punished?it all seems so unfair.

She's making it out that I'm a bad person and she can't forgive me. I know I did throw her out but I felt I had no choice.
She's also encouraging me to see other girls. If she loves me like she says she does how can she want that. Also how can she just not want to be with me when a couple of weeks ago she bought me a new phone and was looking in my eyes telling me she loves me? After everything we've been through together I don't know how she can be this way. She's hurt me physically and mentally for 3 years but I would never be this way with her.
I'm so down, depressed and confused. I don't know what she's doing to me. The future feels so bleak and I'm kind of frightened about what may be ahead. I've never felt so alone.

Hi Lee,

You sound in real pain and in need of some guidance. If youv've found your way here then you're already on the right track and you're not alone.

Let me answer you as best I can.

1. to her (and possibly only her) it is your fault. She will never see any part of what happened as anything to do with her because if she is a PDI then accountability is something alian to her. What you are seeing is classic blame throwing and avoidance of responsibility - she will do everything she can to make it ALL your fault. Did you ever hear someone bitten by a dog say it was their fault they abused it? She, her sister and bf abused your kindness, you had to put down boundaries. In her mind (a) you didn't love her enough to tolerate her abuse. (b) you didn't do as you were expected and you needed to be punished.

My pdi used herself as leverage every chance. Do as I want or else.... She would withdraw herself from the relationship, actually say, "I'm pulling back" or I'm not seeing you", she'd deny sex, or if all else fails to "win". End the relationship just to show me ! It's nuts but that's them.

2. PDIs think in black and white/good and bad. You are now in the bad camp, remember her current predicament is your fault = you bad. There is no recovery back to the good camp, hers is a closed loop mind, you can't argue with a 2 year old. You bad - it over. Its a switch

3. Forgiveness, tolerance and compromise are not part of their emotional make up ,(along with a whole load more including any concept of an emotional level of love) to demonstrate any of those would be seen as a weakness of her projected perfict self - projections are perfict, fake and paper thin, therefore no need to forgive or compromise. It doesn't matter. (to her) besides projections, as wel as not having any emotional depth, don't get emotionally hurt...it's emotionally safe.

she will (might) string you along for as long as possibly so saying she loves you keeps you hooked just to be there for her, the narcistic supply we talk of (NS) Sadly, believe her when she says there's no going back and move on. In fact just move on anyway and leave her be, because all that left for you now is punishment in one way or another, always deniable, always emotional, and always unjustified. You broke the unspoken rule and defied her wishes and did something for you...you need to be punished

4. Love is just a word not a feeling. It's something to be demonstrated by you. When you threw them out - you showed you didn't love her. That was unforgivable to her, remember she did nothing wrong. Any mention of love is just a word to her, she's doing you a huge favor and being a real martyr - and to her you saying how much you love her just proves your guilt. ( yeh I know...arse about face ). Remember, projections don't have feelings because then they don't get hurt. She's protecting herself

She also told me she's been on 2 dates with some guy but she's not interested in him. She said she still loves me and is not ready to move on yet and wants to be single and is just a friend.

The next day I seen the guy walking down the street with her sister carrying bags of shopping. He's a absolute loser, and not to be big headed because at this phase in my life the last thing I feel is confident, I feel nothing but heartache, pain and worthless but he is nowhere near as good looking as me and doesn't dress as good as me either. I said to her "you said you still love and care for me so he can't mean that much to you can he"! She said "he means more to me than you that's why he's in my bed"! That's our bed we bought, slept on and made love in.

Why tell me she isn't ready to move on, still loves me (but we can't be together) and he's just a friend if she's going to say that to me? It's like she's purposely trying to hurt me despite knowing how I'm feeling.

Is she saying it and using this guy to hurt me? Because she says nasty things all the time so if she was seeing someone she wouldn't hold back telling me because she hurts me all the time anyway?

I try not to think about it too much anymore though it's hard but I'm so confused and in so much pain.

Lee. I was in the EXACT same boat as you are in right now. Ill tell you what this is shes doing. Its a trick. Plain and simple. Shes doing multiple things here.

1 - you are her backup. She tells you she loves you to keep you on that string of hope so you wont leave.

2 - she needs you for something, attention, money, something.

3 - shes training you to accept mental abuse by going with another man

4 - shes hurting you, she knows it, do you honestly think shes not aware of your pain right now? She is, shes not going to do anything to ease it.

I know its hard, but you must walk away. I didnt, and i prolonged my pain and suffering for a entire year of trianguation. This guy shes with now, he was just available and gave her attention. Remember, they cant be alone. So they grab someone new immediately. Hes not her friend man, i got that one before. I remember when I was just a "friend" too. I rest my case.

Walk away man. She doesnt love you like you love her. If she did she wouldnt put you through this crap. Go through the pain of leaving her now. You will save yourself more mental torture because thats whats happening to you now. I went through it, all of it. It sucked bad. Really bad.

Lee,

Chris and I have both been where you are now. So have most here.

YES it's head games and YES she wants to hurt you and will keep hurting you for as long as you stick around and let her. To her Punishment is all you're good for now.

There is a reason no contact is so mentioned here and on other forums as the ONLY way ahead for us. Because it IS the only way to get you're head out of the storm it's currently being dragged in to by your ex.

It's deliberate - its designed to hurt you and only action by you will stop it. Don't bother talking, she's the master, your the pawn, your feelings don't count unless you're hurting.

Go no contact, walk away, say good riddance to bad (toxic ) rubbish, and let her have the life she wants with some other man.

It tough, but we've all been there.

The guy is nothing. Nobody. Just some lanky streak of **** who's shown her attention. She said "he makes me laugh!" Let's see if he's laughing when he finds out what's she's really like and he ends up like me. I keep feeling what if she isn't using him and she really likes me? She made out I was her everything,her life her soul mate. She toldme she loved me 100 times a day and when I left her 3 months ago she was phoning and texting every day crying she loves me and misses me.

This went on from October when I threw her out up until about 3 weeks ago. We were still occasionally having sex and she was telling me she loves me, not to be sad, she doesn't like seeing me sad and everything will be ok.

One day about 3 weeks ago she asked to meet me I was waiting ages and she called and said she was running late because there was a problem at home she had to go back to let the landlord in. Her sister was there so I said if your sisters there why do you have to be. She got like "I don't have to listen to this" I just told her to **** off!

Since that day she's been telling me she's been on a date and this guy makes her laugh and all this **** and is telling me to move on. How can she go from being ok with me a few weeks ago to being so nasty?
The guys done nothing to me but it makes me so angry. Will her true colours come out eventually to him too?will it go wrong? I hope he breaks her ******* heart and treats her like **** like she has to me.

During the relationship, when not being horrible she was so loving and attentive. This all makes me feel so sad. I dream about her every night and feel depressed the whole day after.
Even though we broke up 3 months ago, she was till telling me she loves me, sleeps in my vest, misses me and asking to spend time with me. Even having sex with me. Why? If it wasn't for that I might be closer to recovery by now but it's just held me back.
I know it's for the best that we are not together but why does she get to be happy and I'm on anti depressants?it doesn't seem fair.

Same exact thing you described, i went through too. She only cares about herself. Shes playing head games. My ex and i broke up about a year ago, and we still occasionally had sex and kept me on a string. We had sex when she would dump her current boyfriend at the time. We dated on and off during these periods, then she would drop me, get back with them after they begged for her pity and attention. She never cconsidered me and how i felt about it, i expressed it to her, but she didnt listen. She kept on told me to "trust her" then, she would blame me for not trusting her or whatever she could come up with, then do the exact thing i didnt trust her for.

She'll do the same. She doesn't care how you feel. Get far away from her!

They are right, go no contact and be done with it.

Let me tell you what I'm going through now. I was off the week of Christmas. My wife and I got along great! I thought things were finally turning around.
Then, suddenly, on the Saturday before I went back to work, it all went back to where she wouldn't talk to me and wouldn't let me touch her.
I told her that I thought things were better! She brought up my mistakes from 3 1/2 years ago to justify herself for being angry at me.

Bypass all of this stuff. It will bring you nothing but misery.

After 7 months of push/pull, abusive and maniupulative relationship with a BPD/NPD woman (who's also just about to become a therapist... yes you read this right...) I went no contact for about a week now. It's difficult because there's no closure as you 'd expect from a normal break-up but it's the best thing that I did for myself. Go no contact man and don't expect to figure out the why's at least not now. You can't simply understand someone who doesnt follow common sense. You actually shouldnt be able to. To do so will make you crazy.... As you emerge from the fog I guarantee you that you will see more clearly day by day and notice the ways that you were manipulated.

Let go... (and watch this video) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCWQv8sA4kE

I'm going to find it hard to believe anyone is genuine again. I feel like a broken man.

I feel you man. I feel the same way. I was just talking with a friend and telling them the same thing. I don't thing I can trust a woman again. They are all out to get you. But then on the other hand I want to think that not everyone is like this. Lets keep our chin up!

You need to remember all the warning signs, we all seen them but chose to ignore them. Theres a slew in the beginning we choose to ignore because we are being idealized. As time goes on the signs become more and more apparent, we are trained to accept the abuse slowly until its just taken as a normal occurrence. The rage episodes, the lies, the "other" men, being blamed for everything wrong, ignoring, getting the cold shoulder when in pain, mind games, manipulation. These are all signs that its a bad relationship, its unrepairable when its at this point. Look at the "clues" which are more like blaring sirens. While your brain slowly starts to recover from that mode of accepting abuse, you'll begin to realize how bad it was. Dont allow it to continue anymore if you care enough from yourself. Rid yourself of that mode of putting her needs first before yours. You need time to recover.

When things were good we were best friends. We'd play playstation together (I always remember playing la noir together) we spent all our time together she always wanted to be by my side. We went to Egypt in June and went into the desert and I cuddled her while we looked at the stars. These are all memories that mean so much to me that make me so sad she isn't going to part of my life anymore. I thought it all meant so much to her too. She always wanted to be with me, she hated being away from me, she would be so affectionate and we have so many memories. You would think sentimentality would play a part somewhere after 3 years together which apart from the bad (when bad very bad) was a loving relationship and up until 2 weeks ago was still telling me she loves me and not to be sad. I'm just so heart broken.

Mate, been there, done that got the fracking T shirt. (for me it was London's theatres and restaurants).

But the tough truth is it was just an illusion acted out by someone who didn't or couldn't love you or love those moments at an emotional level like you loved her and how you see/saw them.

Sentimentality requires an emotional content and she has little or none. What you both did together are nice memories (and yes she'll remember them fondly) but there was no emotional content or connection at an emotional level. They were then....This is now. Harsh but sadly true. Heck mine even still cried at the theme from the Lion King after we broke up, but don't do as I did and mistake that for some lingering affection for you.

Remember, a broken heart keeps beating

It will heal but steel yourself to the truth of your PDI relationship - it wasn't like you saw it.

There are women out there, (the vast majority in fact) who do see things as we do - we just need to filter out the toxic and be firm with our choices and, if like me, you're drawn to the toxic for some emotional reason, it's tough to see the good in front of you. I didn't.... and it almost cost me everything.