I thought mine was the best thing to come into my life when I met her 3 years ago. I've never been as close to anybody as I was to her. She made me believe she loved me so much. She want to do literally everything for me and protect me. When I met her she made me want to be a better man for her. I used to hang around with a bad crowd. Was a bit bad and got up to bad things. When I met her I distanced myself from these people because she made me want to be good. Because of this my old "friends" give me a beating quite badly because I "disrespected" them by putting her first. When she seen me all battered, bruised and beaten up she was nearly crying. She hugged me so hard and nursed me better then cuddled me all night while we slept.i never felt so happy, safe or so close to another person in my whole life. I felt so lucky.

After a year or so I opened up to her about my difficult childhood and past. Growing up my mother lied to me about who my father was. She says to protect me because he was a bad man, a drug, dealer and a con man who was in and out of prison. I found out by finding my birth certificate when I was 16. Ever argument after that she would use it against me telling me I'm damaged and trying to convince me my family don't love me and my mother is no good. She would say it and say it and say it. No matter what the argument she would use it. She also told people, like her mother, sister and other family about my past. She said "they care about you they won't judge you"! But I didn't want anyone to know she was the only person I'd ever told because I thought we were so close.

After that I was constantly made to believe I was damaged, was mentally ill and needed help. I was on medication,I was seeing a psychiatrist and she told people.

All this happened as well as controlling every aspect of my life. What I wore. We had a joint bank account yet she kept hold of all the money. For 3 years I never had a penny in my pocket. Then, as I've said in my first post titled "female narcissistic abuse" she wanted to move house to a bigger place with an extra bedroom. I agreed to make her happy because she said she wanted children. I loved her so much and would do anything to make her happy. She then moved in her sister and sisters scummy, bum of a bf in after they span a yarn about him being homeless. I later found out he wasn't, he gave up his own apartment and job 30 miles away to spin us a con that he was homeless to be near my girls sister. They disrespected, sat around all day, made a mess, her sister would get involved when me and my gf had an argument and I felt so alone and in a way, ganged up on. Resulting in me wanting to kill myself. I didn't want to be here anymore. I was staying with my parents to get away from them. Pushed out of my own home is what it felt like. Every time she would beg me to come home and again the situation stayed the same. Every time if asked when her sister and bf were going she'd get angry, shout or ignore me. Sometimes even jump my car and drive off.(she also had no licence)

In the end I threw them out and changed the locks and ended the relationship. She told me every day after the break up she loves me misses and can't live without me. Then she'd go cold. Up until a few weeks ago she was telling me she loves me wants us to be ok and even wanting to have sex with me. Because I'm a man I did. 3 months on I still loveher but I couldn't live that way anymore. Now I'm the bad guy. She's got a new place, passed her driving test and I think is seeing someone else. She gets to be happy while I feel lonely, depressed and like I've lost the person I felt closest to in the world forever.

This is quite long I know, but once I start it starts flowing. What I'm saying is did she want to make me believe I was I'll, my family don't love me and I'm damaged or did she really believe it. I've never loved anyone or anything so much in all my life. Now I really do feel damaged.

Hay Lee,

this is perfectly "normal" process of being with these women. They control by confusion and clouding reality - it's a bstrd and they are masters at it.

The technical term for it is Cognitive Dissonance - wiki below.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

the whole purpose is to destroy your will to argue by distorting the truth and confusing you to the reality - its part of whats commonly called "gas-lighting"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

but the first paragraph says it all really,

"Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim."

You need to read this stuff mate to get an understanding of the reality that you've been through (thats not critical of you - but you've been subject to a version of events that she wanted you to believe) the best source I've found is here.

http://outofthefog.net/

Would she actually have believed I was mentally ill? Or did she know know what she was doing? Do these people do the actions knowingly or is it just part of their personal behaviour and they act without really understanding the extent of the damage they are causing?

Even though up until a few. Weeks ago I was getting "I love you and miss you" and "your my world I wanna see you" ect even though now she's in the hating me phase (it changes one time she over me then hates me) and we are not talking now. People keep telling me when she's not spoke to me for a while and she realises this guy she's dating is a drip she's gonna come running back declaring her love for me again. I hope I'm strong enough not to speak to her or listen. All that will happen is she will love me for awhile, I'll be happier for a while and then she'll rip my heart out again by being cold. She says that's my fault she does that for throwing her out. She doesn't seem to realise I didn't have a choice I felt I was going insane. I often think if your going to bury your head on the sand about the true reality and hate me then hate me and let me get my life back together but she forever swaps and changes how she feels. It's so confusing. But like I said if or when she comes running back, which I'm 75 percent sure she will at some point. I hope I. Can stay strong and ignore her.
I wish I didn't love her. I wish I could turn my feelings off. I keep telling myself she's no good for me but it all still gets to me.

"Would she actually have believed I was mentally ill? Or did she know know what she was doing? Do these people do the actions knowingly or is it just part of their personal behaviour and they act without really understanding the extent of the damage they are causing?"

Ans. - I think (IMHO) they are grown adults so they, (like any adult) KNOW what they do - they know what the impact and the consequences of their actions are. (in fact hold up a mirror to their behaviour and it'll set off WW3)

But they don't care for some reason.

I believe they are driven by some deep emotional fear/desire and they don't even know what it is because its so deeply buried and forgotten.

but it doesn't half frack with their behaviour and our lives.

http://www.abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/01/gaslighting-from-games-abusers-play-at.html?m=1

Gaslighting man and projection. You were not mentally ill dude. She just didnt want to see the harm she was causing because she didnt give a crap as long as the crazy label was off her.

My ex did the same stuff. She said i was mentally unstable and not right in the head. This was after she came to the conclusion she had a PD. She couldn't accept the fact she was totally bonkers so she tried manipulating me into believing i was. She said i was crazy because i didnt trust her, and "i wish you were the way you used to be". She "advised" me to fix myself and call her when im ok. The next day, who do i see her with? Her ex boyfriend she claimed she didnt want to be with, smiles and all going home to our old apartment. I caught her. Havent spoken to her since.

What did you do when you caught her with the other guy? If mine did that I'd of killed the pair of them and she knew it.

It just doesn't seem fair that she's landed on her feet (or so she's making it look like) she's got a nice house (renting, costing her more than she can affored but that's her has to live beyond her means to try and look good) a decent job and know apparently seeing some dork (probably the first person who's shown her some attention because he's nowhere near as good looking as me)

But either way she's giving off this persona that "I'm happy, I don't need you in my life making it hard and I wanna live life to. The full because iLife's to short" it's a load off b0llocks. After what she's done to me she doesn't deserve to be happy. I used to believe on karma but these days I'm not so sure.

To think she doesn't or never loved me really hurts because I thought we were so close.

Plus, I remember at the beginning, maybe for the first year, she would tell me things I didn't need to know. Especially about her ex. She told me they used to get in the bath tub and p iss on each other. She told me that at the beginning when we hardly knew each other. Why? I didn't need to know that! She'd also make out the guy was really bad and treated her like ****, cheated on her and ruined her.also left her in a lot of debt. (But now I know her she is always living beyond her means and wants more and more than she already got. We got a nice car but she wanted to get in debt so we could have a Saab convertible.)
Because I loved her the thought of someone hurting her made my blood boil but when I got angry about him and said bad things about him she would stick up for him, make excuses for him and play down his so called bad behaviour towards her. Total contradiction. Made no sense.

Also at the beginning, possibly the first year, or there about. If I got hurt or upset with something she said or did she would get upset too, be all over me like a rash and say things like "I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you baby I love you". After a while it didn't matte what she did or said that upset me she would play it down and make out I just wanted to argue, I'm aggressive and need help. It's all very confusing.

Lee, what's hardest for everyone is THAT particular idea. It's the one thing that hants us. I went through exactly the same over share, love-bombing, and especally the stories about ex(s) all being Gits. The one before me was a b astard if you listen to her.

My fav story was the day he got so vilolent she called her father for help. Dad rushed over ......and took bf for coffee at Starbucks.

WTF??? What father does that? ....the father that knows the daughter, that's who.

The true story...she violently kicked off, bf defended himself, she called dad as defending himself was (to her) violence towards her, (see how that happened: no mention of her part or the degree of aggression by her that made bf defend himself) - dad, dashed over, and because he knows his darling daughter, (was ex cop) saw what happened and removed real victom to Starbucks until she calms down. She tells me sob story that paints her as victom, bf as so violent and father as uncaring ( they love being victims)

I actually heard the truth from said bf who was a real nice guy when i finally met him and nothing like the stories I was told.

You need to learn the real hard horrible truth... Like me, and most here you were pretty much lied to about everything. Everything she said was a lie or distortion of the truth or a lie by ommision or even a pre-lie designed to manlipulate you or deceive you or for some other agenda based reason...everything!

Her not really loving you is the hardest of all, because she said it so much; when you can see beyond what you once believed and trusted, you'll start to really see her for who (what) she is....then it gets easier. It's still a slog, because you're fighting your own beliefs and that's a hell of a fight, but slowly it sinks in.

Lee, the saddest part is this isnt the first time ive caught her. She would lie and lie until i had to find out. Its sick. Stupid me believed her over and over. Thats why the last time i caught her, i threw in the towel. What did i do though? Nothing really, she called me right away after i seen her and denied it happened. Then she admitted she was with him. I told her basically just go off, be happy, screw you and goodbye.

My mother always tells me a good rule of thumb with relationships, you can use too.

"Judge not by what they say, judge by what they do".

Lee did she manipulate you into opening up about your "past"?

Be careful of women who are fixated on you "opening " up to her its all a ploy from her to take focus off her flaws and on whatever conflicts you had in your past...

Lee,

I feel your pain man, but that is a common tactic. They're not the one with the problem you are! They can make you doubt your sanity but this woman was just using you.

Also, I wouldn't feel bad she is dating someone else, I would feel sorry for this guy because she is going to do EXACTLY what she did to you to him, just give her time.

Better off with out her man.

What you have to realize is that she WAS making you mentally ill. To her it was a self fulfilling prophecy.

Lee, I think that sometimes they use us to fill the lonely void inside of them. Then, they try to mold us into something that will fill all of their needs.
You say you were a bad boy, so was I.
Your narc wanted you to do better, so did mine.
And I'll bet you were more than willing to please her.

So, she had her bad boy that kept her loins on fire. Then, she found that wasn't enough to satisfy her. So, she wanted the house, the car and probably a million other things that never satisfied her.

The same thing happened to me. She tried to change me from being a bad boy. Once I straightened myself up, and gave her the house, car, kids, and whatever else, she lost interest in me.
Then, all her attention went to the kids or her latest best friend.
It was like I didn't matter, except to bring home a paycheck so she could keep up with her friends.

One other thing...
When we first dated and became serious, she dumped her lifelong friends and spent all her time with me. My gut told me to make a note of that and remember it. How she could just dump her friends like that. But, in a way, I was flattered and loved all the attention. It all came with a very high price.

NLB, mine did that too with her friends at the beginning. Then later said to me " I never see my close friends anymore because of you!" I never once stopped her going out, seeing friends or anything. But one thing she would do is if she got a new friend she would use them for whatever she could. She became friends with this one girl, a nice girl as well, and lied to her about having a driving licence, like she did everyone, even me for 2 years until I found out. She would borrow this girls car. At first it be once in a while. Then once a week then it became every day. If she'd have got caught the girls car would have been taken to the police inpound but she never seemed to care about that.

I just remembered! My parents used to try to accuse me of being mentally ill growing up!! If I expressed an opinion or wrote something in my journal about being angry (which they somehow came across and read) they would accuse me of being crazy and say that I needed to talk to a psychiatrist!
All for having my own emotions! I used to wish that they would send me to one so they would be exposed for being the selfish bullies that they were.

My God, this stuff has been going on my whole life. No wonder I've spent most of my life depressed.

Guys,

Some advice that might be relevant here :

Most of you have found out the weaknesses that make you vulnerable : lack of parental support, lack of closeness, lack of empathy during childhood.

It is unfair what you have gone through, but it has shaped you into the guys you have become.
You have met and lived with women that exploited your weakness, and you, being unaware, have let it happen.

First step : You are aware now, which is the first step to healing.

And you know now what to be careful about: be vigilant with someone who tries to become close to you very quickly, offering lots of sex, while trying to pry your past issues from you while spouting stories of horrible ex's. That is NOT the normal way a relationship begins, it is the obligatory introduction from the "handbook of abusers".

Yes, your parents did an ass of a job raising you, and should be rebutted for that;

But you know what? It seems you still turned out quite ok guys nevertheless.

You went through hell, and still here you are, talking about how bad it was, and how to improve your individual situations.

You've taken the first step towards recovery, do not be afraid to take the next: realize that there is an abundance of people on this planet who WILL love/support/feel empathy for you; your abuser is NOT the only person in this world who will accept you.
Sure there are feelings from the past, but you've got to realize that your mistake was to start liking the WRONG person. Once this seeps through to your brain, your abuser has nothing to hurt you with anymore : she's just another bad person on this planet you happened to grow feelings for (after a fake show). After that, it's bye bye, and good luck over there in hell.

Focus on your own, and grow into the man you want to be!

Great points, JTY.

Now, I may even start a thread on this, but the fact was, I knew better than to get involved with her.
To this day I don't know why I didn't dump her early on. I just kind of went with the flow and I liked the attention. Plus, she was smoking hot!
None of which are good reasons for a man who should be in control of his destiny.

I recall many instances where my gut told me to leave. I didn't.
I found myself getting grinded down over the years because I stayed. My needs and wants didn't matter. Just like they didn't matter in my childhood. I am doing better taking care of this stuff now.
I just have to make the final push and move on. I just have bigger reasons for staying a couple of more years, my two kids.