My thoughts on the disorder.

Stemming from childhood, the sufferer of npd becomes "stunted" there is something that happened to them in chidhood that they could not overcome. Something in their psyche dented them so greatly that it profoudly affected their adult life. Parents play a role in the childs upbringing, if the narc was not allowed to express their feelings without anger shown to them or found other ways to "block out" emotions felt in company of their parent that may have ignored them or made them feel shameful. As children, our brains are like sponges, we absorb information from our caregivers and adults. The emotional part of their brain shuts down because of these uncomfortable feelings that the narc is experiencing are not allowed to come to light. It remains "hidden" or "bottled up" or completely ignored. They may only feel praise from parents when they do good, but when they have done bad, they feel shame and anger from the parent. Using this ignoring mechanism on a daily basis when these feelings arise, cause the mechanism to take whole effect. So the emotional part of the brain that tells us we are experiencing these emotions dies. Its akin to a machine whos gears are rusted down and cannot process that information anymore, but the brain still runs without that machinery working. Its now numb and rendered useless. Since the narcs thinking patterns have run without this system for so long, its hard to adjust it. Which is why they cannot think like normal people. Theres apart in them that is "shut down" and no longer works. Their brain now runs without this source of "machinery" that makes up a normal healthy individuals psychological makeup. They are not "wired" like we are. When we express pain to them they see it, but this is exactly why they cant "feel" that pain they cause. There is a huge chunk missing in their own human makeup.

As adults now they are constantly looking for that missing "piece" they lost as children. That love they lacked from their caregivers, they now look for in their relationships. Its as if they are looking for that parent/child love where there is no reciprocity from the child to the parent. Its as if you are to love them unconditionally no matter what they do. Its as if they expect you to shower them with whatever they want. Whether it be money, a house, children, attention. Whatever it may be, they want you the "surrogate caregiver" to provide with out any reciprocity required. They may praise and love you back, because this is what they learned over the years with others and how to get their way from their own parents. This tactic works in the context "give a little to take alot". Remember there is no emotional counterpart at work here. Its as simple as it sounds.

More of my assessment later. Tell me what you guys think so far.

I think some of you that are caught in between narc women cant benefit from that. Im going to try to put more later.

I like the assessment.

These women don't have empathy and when they do display it, it is not real.

I can't tell you how many times I tried to talk to my wife and just have an intimate conversation with her. I don't think she is capable of doing that. It's tough.

I can't place what happened to her growing up. I know her mom is cold. Although she has been very good to me.
I recall my wife telling me that her mom used to say to her, "people in hell want a cold glass of water," when my wife wanted something from her.

I know her older sister is very bitter about how she grew up. She mainly blames her mom for being so mean.

I also know that her mom is very cold to her dad.

I think your right. With mine, her mother was the same. Never there for her or her sister. She still isn't. She's a very selfish person. Her grandfather also seems like the same sort of person.

Her mother is also very controlling. She controls the dad in everyway. What he wears even how he has his hair. She buys and chooses all his clothes and spends money they haven't got like its going out of fashion. He pretends to be this tough guy, but he must be some sort of p us sy to be still putting up with her bull sh1t for over 20 years. What a clown. Her sister complains about what a b itch her mother is but my ex would never admit anything was wrong with her.

I remember her mother once went to her grandfather, crying she was in debt and was worried and needed 5 grand to pay off some debts. She got the money but didn't pay the debts. Paid for a holiday to Mexico (from uk) and bought 2 pedigree puppies.(her dog had just died 2 weeks previous)

So I believe some of their behaviour is passed down genetiacally but possibly some behaviour is learned.

Lee, my wife acts like her mom is great, also. Her sister definitely has a different opinion.

Again, her mom has been nothing but good to me. Although, her mom does complain about my wife to my face. I always defend my wife when she does.

Another very odd thing, in the last few weeks I have been getting a strange vibe from my mother in law. Sometimes I think she is expressing a sexual interest in me. I keep my distance. I'm not saying that she is coming onto me, but sometimes she says very odd stuff to me. Or she will walk up to me and start rubbing my shoulders or something.

Here is a good article for you guys...

http://organizationalchangesolutions.wordpress.com/2011/03/11/deception-and-the-borderline-personality-what-could-have-been/