I'm just starting this topic as an observation of something that I experienced with my bpd.

When my wife and I married, she knew that I had gone through hell in my childhood. She offered me love and support. She gave me the impression that she was there for me and that our futures together would be great.

One of the things that she did early on was to buy me a bookmark and a book called "1001 Ways to be Happy." The bookmark was a beautiful inspirational bookmark on never quitting. I felt so loved and supported by her.

Then, a couple of years into the marriage she was always mad at me. I could never figure out what I was doing wrong. I was working hard to provide for us. I spent all of my free time with may family and working on our house.
But, I could just never seem to do anything right.

Then, she started throwing stuff away. All kinds of stuff. Among the items she threw away were my "1001 ways to be happy" book, and the inspirational bookmark. Those two items meant so much to me. I think the gesture was very symbolic.

Here are a couple of other related observations.
When we married I was so determined to better my life. I wanted to be happy, I wanted success, and I wanted love. One of the things I was working on was writing a novel based on an idea I had. I don't know if anyone has ever tried to write a book, but it takes a lot of time. At the time I was working two jobs and trying to take care of my wife's endless needs.
So, it didn't get finished. I guess life got in the way.

My wife was really pressuring me on finding a better job than the two I was working. I was happy working my two jobs. I made good money. It just wasn't enough for her. Plus, I told her I was hoping my book would come through. She got angry and said, "it hasn't happened yet." I will never forget those words. It had only been a couple of years. Plus, I was looking for a better job, we just lived in a low opportunity area, and as I said, we weren't hurting for anything.
To add on top of this, I was trying to emotionally recover from my childhood. I just needed some time to heal. I thought that I was on the way back until my wife devalued me.

BTW, I did get a nice job offer at the time, but we would have had to move. She refused.

One last thing I recall. In the first year of our marriage, Oprah had a special on about the most influential people in America. When it came on I will never forget that my wife just looked at me like I would someday be on that show.
I guess two years wasn't long enough to set the world on fire and to become rich and famous. lol.

This whole process really injured me and just piled on the injuries I experienced in my childhood.
In many ways it crippled me emotionally.

Anyway, my wife did put me back on the pedestal later. I took a sales job with a huge international company. After I got that job she kept my business card on display in her van. She offered me sex all of the time. But, I think I figured out what she was all about then. If things were great for me and the money was rolling in, the was a devoted wife. If things got tough, and I needed any support, she devalued me.

I happened to stumble across some Deepak Chopra stuff on Chakras and health. I took a quiz and apparently everyone of my chakras are blocked. I realized as I was looking a the material that my chakras are blocked because the people in my life, my wife and my parents, refused to acknowledge me as a human being. I was just something that they used and took from. I have surrounded myself with people who take and refuse to give back and love me for me.
I don't know if there are people in the world who love other people. So, I am going to continue to try to love myself.
I will continue to read the Bible and begin the chakra work. I also ran across some Chuck Norris materials about the Third Eye and Zen.

I also got the number for a lawyer that specializes in men's divorce.

I just have to make some changes. I'm tired of living with a woman who is colder than ice on a flagpole.

yeah although i never been married that devalue crap is incredible. i remember she literally worshipped me and sat down with me showing me all these things about her life etc. i remember one time i came over and she greeted me at the door and just looked at me with so much excitement and started kissing me all over before i could even enter her house.

then i got a job and within a few days of working i called and said im coning home with a pizza and she responded with you dont have to come over and im not very hungry. right when we started playing house and i was the little worker provider she was done with me. i came over anyway and she ate a lot of the pizza. obviously she was hungry... soon after she bailed on me. but those memories of happiness confused me for a long time. then i found out she did it with a lot of guys then trashed them and it didnt matter what the guy looked like or how old they were...

Sounds to me that your wife is one of those women who only follow their hamster.

What she's doing is quite normal in the natural world : female is ready to mate, looks for an alpha male, mates and takes care of the offspring for a while.

In nature, when the kids are reaching adult age, the female chases them away, or they leave on their own. At that time, the female is ready for another alpha again, and the cycle restarts.

If guess you were not interesting (or alpha) enough for her anymore. For her it was time for the next one.

You, being in need of support made you weak in her eyes, and thus not worthy of her anymore.

You'd expect that humans would use their rational thinking and know that we can be a bit above the animal level, but quite often this is not the case. Their basic behaviour is just obfuscated by the fog they create.

I've done a lot of thinking about this subject, and have come to the conclusion that we're a species that has the ability to behave in awesome ways, but a lot of us do not come further than following their "instincts".

You're right about educating yourself. It's the right way out of there.

Hay, NLB,

You and I have way too much in common, one thing I've worked out recently is that I too have spent my whole life trying to gain validation from mothers, wives, girl friends, bosses, friends... Anyone before me. Always putting my self through hell just to try and please them, school, jobs, marriages, putting up with abuse, all sorts of things that made me unhappy.

This worm turned about a year ago. It really isn't worth it. It's our life, not theirs (they won't value it or any thing you value anyway- my mother gave away all of anything I valued as soon as I joined the RAF - punishment I guess?). So, not even my mother valued me as a person, just as someone to serve her. It's an inner fight to do because we've been conditioned, but it IS a fight worth fighting.

For bringing this out in to the open in me I actually thank narc the younger, if that witch hadn't entered my life I wouldn't be on this path which I need to be on.

You look out for you...and be their for your kids, (kids are perceptive and they know who IS there for them... I knew it was my late father even as a small child), but the PDIs in you're life..... Leave them to their own hell, it's theirs and theirs alone, don't let them push it on you

This book has been recommended to me (even though I'm not adopted) by a councler, it might help you.

Nurturing Attachments: Supporting Children who are Adopted or Fostered.


Chin up