When I think of the emotional mess my wife put me through for years, I can't help but wonder if there isn't some dark evil in them.

She knows when I am pulling away, and she puts on the charm and lures me back in. It's like she has some type of radar sensor.

I KNEW when we dated that she was too good to be true.
I should have known that all of the sex was a trap.
I should have know that her jealousy was about control as opposed to love.

She lured me in. She succeeded in isolating me from my friends.
She love bombed me.
Then, when she had what she wanted, she took all of her affection away.
I was discarded, yet we lived in the same house.
She found things wrong with everything I did.
Then, after she discarded me she made new friends, and acted like she was so happy and life is so great.
And I am here, shell shocked. I'm trying to figure out what happened.
I try to work on the marriage and she isn't receptive.

I just wanted to be able to touch my wife. I wanted us to do things together. But nothing that I wanted mattered to her, it was all about her.

I don't understand how someone could proclaim such love for me and coldly turn it off seemingly overnight.

Think cowboys and desperadoes......we were the horse and when the horse tires the outlaw steals a new one. I am thinking more and more that is less of an emotional/PD thing then it is about adopting outlaw behaviour to obtain the swag and control the gang. Learned behavior I believe.

Hi NLB,

You'll find my view on your situation in Brian's thread.

I think that she lost all respect for you, because you followed everything she wanted. Your co-dependence for validation makes you behave even more so.

I'm starting to understand how women work (I hope), and when she lost respect for you, she just got what she wanted (house, kids, money).

Women want to be with a man with a strong frame (mindset). They constantly check if you're still that dominant male they got with, and most often men fail these tests further into the relationship. The woman's respect takes a deep dive from there on, as she ups the testing, to validate if the last results were true or not. The man, being barraged with those annoyances, loses focus, and just succumbs to keep her happy. And there's where her respect for you vanishes into nothing.

My idea is that all women need support, but men need respect. If we are respected, we can become hero, if not, we start to regard ourselves as a failure (depending on your strength of mind and independence).

You are in a vicious cycle, with her not respecting you, and you needing respect to become a great man, and earn her respect again.

I'm sure it did not happen overnight; it just seems like that to you. She did not tell you when you failed a test, but her respect went down for sure for quite some time. And once she could not pretend anymore to respect you, that was when you felt it.


Jack

Ah yes, the comparison habit. Hate that one too.
Mine also can't stay away from it.

You're right about it being the cause of your problems.

It makes your wife evil (stupid?) indeed.
It is another sickening aspect of women : they always want what other women have, and thus constantly compare each other's "property".

In those circumstances, the only thing you could have done was to dominate this habit out of her.

I haven't started comparing my wife to other women yet, but you've convinced me to do just that, next time she brings it up. Just to make it clear that this comparing business only leads to more misery.

Sorry to hear about your health state. I think it justifies you retreating from her completely; your life is at stake here. Make yourself priority nr 1 now, it is necessary. The kids will understand when you explain it to them.

What you need is relaxation, take things easy, no new (or old) challenges anymore. Your body has to recover from all the stress damage that has been done over the years.

Also, surround yourself with positive friends that support you. It will help you to see outside of the home situation.

Hang in there, and keep us posted.


Jack

Thanks Jack. I'm very concerned about the kidney problem. I'm too young to have these health problems.

I'm just at the end of my rope with this stuff. I told my wife the other morning that I am just sick of everything. I'm sick of hearing about how she dances at zumba class when she has refused to go out dancing with me for years.
I'm sick of her being nice to everyone around her and being cold and frigid with me.
I hate the fact that after we got married she let herself go and gained 100 pounds or more, and now she is dieting and dressing provactavely.
I'm tired of never having sex or having any human contact at all.
I haven't even seen a pair of breasts in 10 years or more, but according to her, I'm the bad guy.
She hasn't said much to me sense.

I think you should start demanding stuff, you've suffered long enough.

Like she should stop her dancing classes if she doesn't want to dance with you.
It is only normal that a man wants to dance with his wife, instead of her dancing with others.

Put your foot down, use your veto. Stay calm and emotion-free.

She'll try to make you emotional, just stay in the zone (your zone) and you'll be fine.

As an example of the zone, I just got an emotional and accusing phone call from my wife, and I just listened the entire time without saying a thing. It seemed to help that she could just pour out her heart, so that's what I let her do; everything she said was bull, but I let her do it anyway. I don't feel like I've been abused, as I was in another reality.

She doesn't have to know that, though...


Jack

NLB,

I gotta chime in here. I really feel your pain my friend after having been there also. I want to share three points that I think are relevant.

** First, that love bombing, lavish affection and all that great sex,,, guess what, it wasn't real and no it's never coming back, I'm truly sorry. It was a tool among other tools used at various stages of this evil abuse aimed at getting you hooked. These are emotional hooks that you MUST purge from your memory in order to ever be free. These callus cold heartless women feel no true emotions, that's why they lack empathy and compassion. She doesn't care about what you're feeling or if you're hurting, it just is. It's the difference between cognitive and emotional empathy. She "knows" that she's hurting you, she just can't "feel" it with you. So it's no skin off her back and she can therefore dump you in the trash bin and never look back.

** Secondly, you MUST protect your health at all cost. What does it say to your kids that you've allowed major health problems to grow out of a terribly stressful situation. They need a Dad, they need you alive and healthy. I say this in all love my friend. From a man who has been there. During the height of my stress levels with my narc ex-wife my blood pressure was spiking at 201/104, heart attack territory. I had never had any health issues and no history of hypertension. Now after 7 months no contact and a divorce that was final in March, I am fully healed and healthy. I went to my doctor last week and my BP was 120/78, perfect! And the only thing I did was get rid of the stress that my ex b*itch narc was always putting on me.

** Third, we get to thinking, because we are enchanted, that there is no woman out there that we can ever love the way we fell in love with our narc wife. Or that we simply can't make it on own own anymore we've been so beaten up. This is by design, it's their big hook. I am here to tell you that that is NOT true! A month after my divorce was final I got back into the dating pool on a website. Within a week,(I was very lucky), I met an astonishingly lovely younger woman. We've been dating a month and see each other every weekend and Wednesdays. This gorgeous woman has restored in me the man I was before. She is reminding me that I'm a hell of a nice guy that deserves a good woman. And she is exceedingly appreciative and good to me. I'm truly happy again and I want for you the same thing.

The process is difficult. My journey was fully two years of pain. But please don't waste the years you have left in a relationship that is purely one sided. There are SO MANY great loving women out there. I pray real love comes into your life, and soon.

NLB.

I think you need to employ the 180. You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it (of course that did not work in my own case), you will be in a better place should your marriage survive or not.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Good points, soldier.

Here's a few more :

35. Anything she says is just an opinion; you are entitled to have your own.
36. She does not mean anything she initially says; it is just her trying to bend you over, and testing your resistance. Resist, and the force will disappear.


Jack

NLB,

I think there is a lot of wisdom in the preceding list in terms of living a healthy and empowered life in the presence of your spouse. That's all good and constructive. These suggestions would be gold if dealing with an emotionally healthy woman.

But here's what I think is being overlooked. This, waiting for her to respond or expecting some sort of change,,,,, well it's futile. These people are wired differently than emotionally normal people. Please take this statement to heart, "NPD's NEVER CHANGE! EVER!. This simply won't happen as they are very content with who and what they are. So you can wait around and waste yet another year, or two, or five, and guess what? Nothing will change, because she only cares to keep you around for the all important NS that's in it for her. It will ALWAYS be about HER, never you or your needs.

I've become associated with a Christian University and have spoken to post grad psychology students on NPD. In talking with the professors there, all of whom are counselors, there is not ONE case between them all of ANYONE being cured of NPD. There is no known treatment and they do not change, ever. These people die this way, universally, they are never anyone else. NPD is classified as an Axis 2 disorder. Axis 2 is the category in the DSM-5 reserved for those illnesses that there is no know treatment for.

Please do not wait around for your spouse to change. You're the only one playing this foolish game, she could care less. Please get out before your health fails you. Your life is too important to waste on a damaged woman. Remember, you didn't break her and you cannot fix her. There is a life out there and it's not with her, get out and find your real life.

Thanks for the great advice guys!!

Well, I had to go out of town for some business on Monday. I hugged my wife goodbye and she just stood there.

So, I had a nice long drive on the way down. I thought a great deal about my marriage. When I arrived at my destination it amazed me how I was treated. I ate dinner by myself and the waitress was friendly and nice.

I went to my room and texted my wife and told her that I was going to bed. She asked no questions on how my trip down went. No questions about how I was.
I went to sleep and woke up around two in the morning. I was having a full fledged panic attacked. Everything that has happened during my marriage was stirring inside of me. Eventually I calmed and went to sleep.

Then, I woke up and had some time to kill. I was calm and relaxed. I thought of how nice it would be to have a woman beside me to hold. I realized that my wife and I had never gone away together without the kids and woke up in the morning together and chilled together. When we did go away it was always with the kids. She would always sleep on the couch, so I have never even slept with her on a vacation.

That day during my business meeting some of the people present were openly fascinated by my business strategies. Before I knew it, we were engaged in long meaningful conversations.
When we were done, the man who conducted the business meeting approached me and sincerely thanked me for my input and for keeping things rolling.

I felt truly appreciated, something I never felt in my marriage since the devaluing occurred 16 years ago.
I drove home. It was a five hour trip. I took my time and listened to music. It was nice.
I think I could have a nice life without her.

Hi NLB,

Great, you are starting to realize that life outside of your marriage is actually pretty good.

Now that you know that there is a different kind of life outside of your troubles, it will make it a lot easier for you to discard her opinions from here on, and do your own thing.


One step further on the recovery ladder...



Jack