I have been in a relationship with a NPD for about a year and a half. I really have no idea why she chose me, other than the knowledge of my childhood. I do understand that they check us out thoroughly, before love bombing us.

Here's a few excerpts from my story.

25 years ago, we were each others first dates. We really didn't date but she then asked me to her prom. Obviously, I accepted. I had completely forgotten how that night had happened, until she reminded me after a couple of months of dating. I showed some interest and she bailed out on me for the remainder of the evening, with the exception of the last dance. My "oh ****" moment!

Fast forward 25 years, I had sent her a friend request on social media. Some time, probably months later, she accepted. I really made no attempt to contact her directly on any but one occasion. She was in for a heart surgery and I was driving by on the freeway while working. I thought of this and sent her a message stating that I would have stopped but, there would be nowhere for me to park. (obviously more wordy than that.) Then again, no real contact for months.

Later she commented on one of my posts and claimed that she loved me. I was confused and ended up not even responding to her comment. A while after that, she sent me a message telling me that we should get together for coffee. I agreed and told her that I should be able to catch up with her in early November. Well, I just didn't feel like seeing her on that occasion so, I let her know I would have to reschedule, days after we were supposed to meet. I let her know, around Thanksgiving would work. She agreed and we met.

Eventually, we decided to begin a relationship. Obviously, things moved fast. Although we never have occupied the same living space. There were questionable behaviors, even early in our dating experience. However, she had asked me to turn off my radar and I did. (more on that later.) I noticed some comments like, "your house is a bit small for me." My response, living alone in a 4 bedroom home with a 3 car garage, "I've never had anyone tell me that before." See, she lives with her NPD Mother. (talk about delusions of grandure.) Obviously, there were more questionable remarks.

Well, eventually my eyes were opened. A ruined Easter, while I was doing her moms dishes as a greatful guest, she was triangulating with an ex on the phone in her room. I was furious! I let her have it for 45 minutes, while she drove to my place. She pulled over and took a break. I didn't follow. Eventually, she met this man in person. My reaction was less severe but, I certainly expressed my dissatisfaction. My radar fully engaged at this point.

Eventually, this poor sap died at the age of 40 at his mom's house, on vacation. I have no details about the cause. However, after being told that his mother would like to talk to my ex, she didn't even make the call. Said she sent an email and recieved no response, due to her email being down. (talk about a complete lack of empathy!) She toyed with this poor guy till the day he died, figuratively speaking.

Recently, we attended a Dr. appointment of hers. The morning was not a good one. She was running late, with no concept of the time. As we had planned on driving seperately part of the way, I left to get coffee. Nearly the moment I entered her car I was informed that my breath stank. Well, I was sick and had a mocha so, duh! This immediately put me in a foul mood. I pretty much quit talking. As we were leaving the city, she asked me to help direct her out. I did but, she second guessed at the last moment and created a situation that put us into the wrong lane trying to merge onto the freeway. I basically told her that she was a control freak with no faith or trust, not to trust a professional driver. (an aspect of my job) She went off! Telling me about everything that was wrong with me, either real or imagined. Obviously, I am far from perfect, I know this. She ranted for 45 minutes straight.

As we arrived back at my car, she tried to soothe the situation in literally 30 seconds. I looked at her as she had lost her mind! I told her, "I hope that you have enjoyed your monologue, because I wasn't given the opportunity to say (expletive.) I am offended that you think that you can smooth this over and all is well. You've threatened to withhold aspects of a relationship with an unconcieved child. That's against the law and I would own you over that one, in court!) She stood on the other side of her car like a deer in the headights. I got in my car and left.

A tried to call her later that night. She didn't answer or return my call. Three days later, I sent her a text, asking if we were done here? She called back fairly quickly. She told me she was sick from our interaction and I didn't care enough to even call and check on her. I responded that she referenced the text so, she recognised the call and not calling me back. We argued, she went off, I went off right with her until she hung up on me. Several days of stonewalling went by, I decided WTH, I am going to get sloshed. Great day for her to decide that she was willing to talk. She demanded a call and immediately knew of my condition as we argued over each other to the end of her hanging up.

The next day, I sent an apology for lying to her about my state of mind. It was quite obvious. She informed me that she thought it best to continue to stonewall me for another few days. She requested time and space and lied about being sick, updating her social media status, littering a couple of posts about being controlled. After 5 days of being stonewalled, I told her, "fine, take all the time you need." She thanked me. I told her that she was welcome and changed my relationship status to, "in an open relationship." I then sent her a text informing her of my status change and let her know that I loved her but, I love myself more. She responded that her lie of her health situation was only to be nice to me and she was about ready to erase me from her life! I responded to the effect, read the last two messages.

Now, I am not proud of my behavior. I'm really not! This is abusive and on both sides of this fence. I have had extensive personal therapy in the past. I have been highly evaluated and therapised, for literally years. I am ashamed of my actions and have sought out a new theraphutic reationship, beginning in about a week and a half. I am very well aware that my actions were wrong and I FEEL that on a daily basis.

Over the last few months, I've been gathering products that she sells online and creating a store. She knows all about this. I informed her that I had seen her in an ameture adult video on the web. I made reference to one stroke of a key, I can play your game. I urged her to think about how she plans to behave in the aftermath of this breakup. I realy don't intend on doing anything that would further harm my personal integrity. I know that I would be harming myself over behavior like this.

I am a fairly authentic person and have a psych evaluation of my honesty at 99.6%. My actions and behaviors match what I have to say. I really feel very little strain, worrying over what people think of me and have told her this before.

For anyone advising a person to play the NPD perpetrators game, this is not very effective. At least in my situation. I have been left waiting in a parking lot on Valentines Day. After 20 minutes, I left. I got the call as I was leaving and it was all my fault that she and her Mom were late and didn't call. She thought there should be hell to pay. I didn't accept the blame. I pointed out inconsistancies in her fabricated story. This just made her more angry. In the end, I found she had liked a video on YouTube, "How to Punch Like a Black Belt." Although I don't project as to why she did this, It was certainly not for anything good. If you have kids, as I do, (not with her) you could risk their safety! Get out, get out, get out, get help! I believe you have a better shot at a real relationship with your kids, than if you stay. They have a better chance of not assuming the victem/perp roll as adults, if you show them that it's not acceptabe. Just my opinion on my situation, not yours.

Three questions;
Has anyone publicly outed their NPD Partner/how did that work out?
Why do I not see many suggestions for the recovery process?

See, I feel like crap. I know that I owe her an apology, that will never happen. I do actually miss her, since I never allowed her to get her hooks too far into me but, obviously far enough. I think it is safe to say that we would all appreciate that inital, loving period. I know I do.

hay Brian,

You sound like a good thoughtful guy. So I'll start with the rules....

Rule 1 - DO NOT POKE THE HORNETS NEST you will get stung
Rule 2 - STAY AWAY FROM THE HORNETS NEST.

The one thing these women have over us is a total lack of emotional responsibility which means that they will do ANYTHING to win. Nothing is too far, you and I work in the boundaries of normal.

Outing a PDI is like playing football with that hornets nest. Out a PDI and they will go nuts (not in a funny crazy way - I mean dangerous way)

Some of us raised by PDIs like me, can "dance with the devil" we intuitively know the tunes, the words and have thick hides and may even have some of the habits of the PDI to defend our own emotions against them. We even know when to bug out and can with impunity.

but we always pull back - always..... because we're not like them. As bad as we may feel about our selves we have that integrity they lack and the emotional responsibility they lack, that's why you feel like you owe her an apology (for her bad behavior??????). You were emotionally defending yourself against what you recognized as an emotional attack using the PDIs own weapons. been there done that - and no - I'm not proud.

Why is recovery so under written about?

Because it's personal - and it's a lot to do with a mans way in which he processes,(against a woman's need to verbalize). We do things internally.

For me, (and only me), my steps.

preface - READ EVERYTHING, learn the signs of emotional or physical abuse, SAY NO to it. No contact,(or Min Contact): - then...

1. Understanding what I'd been dealing with, A PDI - a uBPD in huge detail and reading that these creatures are out there

2. subverting 50 odd years of upbringing to think that women are ALL good - fnuck no their not.... no more than ALL men are. That was tough because that's fundamental upbringing stuff

3. I had to dig in to the real dark areas of myself and ask why did i tolerate this abuse? - I got that answer by going down many wrong paths and with the help of neighbors and friends who told me things about my childhood that I thought "normal" which with the reading, I now saw wasn't - suddenly I had 2 uBPDs to deal with - my mother being the second. Hence I'm a "devil dancer". - I was raised by that harpy to "take that Sh1T from birth. More importantly as I grew, i learned how to emotionally deal with it by distancing my self. That make me look as unfeeling as them - but with me it's a defense not a weapon and used in the last ditch.

4. learning to treat my mother in the same way as narc the younger - min contact - and emotional distancing. Really hard when it's your elderly mother, but for my emotional well-being - necessary.

4. That thick hide helps but I need to self heal the damage done - that's the bit I can't explain to you because it's a WIP still.

Hope this helps.

there is a a set of tools on Out of the Fog www that may be of help to you.

Thank you TNM,

It sounds as though we have much in common.
Similar family history.
Similar defense mechanisms.
Ex was also BPD. That seemed to be the easier part, for me.

Quite a few years ago, I chose to undergo some pretty extreme therapy. I didn't understand for many years why he told me that I was the kind of client that therapists hope for. I now understand much better. He helped me to figure out how to unlock some of my emotions. I have only turned mine off one time, early on. It took me weeks to find my way back. The pain was almost too much to handle, all at once. This is a place I personaly choose not return. Though it sure would have come in handy at times.

Thank you for your response and the info, I will surely check it out! It's nice to find an outlet for these issues.