Our daughers misplaced the new Kindle. My wife is stressed and concerned. I have been at work all day and I am helping to find the device.

When the girls find it in the bathroom. My wife is in the process of taking the children to bed, her bed not mine, and she casually asks "why didn't I find the Kindle in the bathroom?" she goes on that she asked me to look upstairs.

When I look slightly askance and say that I am sorry I don't quite understand, this kicks off tears and a scene, where she is just making a joke. I ask what is the joke, that Daddy does not look very hard, he can't find lost things, he isn't very interested.....!

Cue rage and tears and me not understanding and talking harshly and not very nice and etc etc etc!

This came out of nowhere, totally left field. And it is not unusual. The first thing on my wife's mind in this situation was how to put hubbie down. It is instinctive. And of course I won't roll over, at least not all of the time.

I think I've married a NARC. But I two beautiful daughters. What a bummer!

Hello Neil,

Sorry to hear your distress. It drove me up the walls too, as a man I could never win in those situations.

This is a typical behavior of most women : they do not understand a man and his behavior, and always misinterpret it as him not caring.

Guess why?

Because your behavior is exactly how an uncaring WOMAN behaves. Since your wife only thinks in terms of women's behavior, and is convinced that everybody behaves in the same way and according to the same principles, she can not come to any other conclusion than the one you got.

In reality, a man already makes an extra effort if he tries to help. Normally, asking someone for help is a sign of weakness in men's view, and weak people get despised; it stems from male competition in the old days, and deeply ingrained in our DNA. So, you going upstairs is already a bonus for her, you're already going out of your normal (instinctive) way to do something extra for her.

Put a bunch of women together, and (if they like each other) they will compete to become the best supporter of the group. Same thing as men want to be the best of the group, just on another aspect.

Of course, your support falls waaay short compared to the support women would provide to your wife (they're experts in that), and that is why she is so disappointed.

She has to learn that you are a MAN, and cannot expect the same level of support and the same behavior as a woman. It will be a tough one for her to accept, but a necessary one : you can not expect to treat a man like a woman, and have a happy relationship with him.

Your merit lies in other aspects of life (stability, objectivity, ambition, leadership, etc); those are the aspects she should evaluate you on.

After the emancipation wave and the education of men on women's behavior, it is now time that women start to learn and know about men. It is the only way classical relationships will be able to survive.

Every time I get into this kind of situation again, I point out to my wife that what she expects is how a woman would behave. And that she only has a right to be disappointed if she is sure that I AM a woman...


Jack