So I have recently had what I can only describe as an existential crisis, realizing why all of my successes have turned into failures, why I can't value any accomplishments, and why it is a relief to return to a war torn country verse being in my home. I am exhausted and feel like I am recovering from an injury, where the first action is always rest. Everything fits and as I watched James' videos everything came together. I am in a state of guarding everything, fear of returning, the next insult, betrayal, infidelity, and anyones guess - I never know whats next, only that its coming. I actually started setting calendar reminders, we are coming up on the next alert.

I'm going to try to be brief but this is all new for me and I am still fighting between my own guilt, feeling like I could fix this and knowing that I can't. I have been married for 13 years, we have an awesome little guy who will be five soon and I work over seas. Like I said I was so relieved to be out of the situation and then feel so much guilt knowing its hard on my little battle buddy. So I have a chance to get away from the generalized statements, subversive insults, and confusion that comes from her behavior, he doesn't.

I have to assume some semblance of keeping the peace or I wouldn't get to talk to him at all, as it is now there is always some lame excuse but with some persistence I get through. I am also pretty sure I am being set up yet again, (she will make excuses why he can't get on skype and then say its because I didn't try, this isn't new either) she has alluded to writing everything down and I know this is the first advice that every lawyer gives, yes we have been down that road before - due to her infidelity and then leaving with my son with no hope of me being able to see him. She had to punish me for her guilt and ensure that I knew she would use anything necessary to make sure I understood her actions aren't to be questioned. She won't really leave or stay gone and the usual apologies will follow. This is also the first time I saw the cold blank face, the only other time I had seen such an expressionless blank monicker it was on a terrorist in Afghanistan. This was 3 years ago and I have seen it once since then, we had an argument over something so inconsequential that I can't remember what started it, I stayed engaged until I got through to it again. I wanted to be sure of what I had seen the day she took our son, claimed abuse and that she was terrified of coming home, which she did when I got called up to take a 6 figure contract, she was home inside of 20 hours.

There is so much more to describe and question but I think everyone here gets the idea, I never trusted my own eyes. I came from an abusive home, physical, emotional, alcoholism all the usuals. I also spent 12 years as a Marine and did quite a few tours, the war I understood - the woman I was defenseless against. So by all expectations I am an abusive husband, regardless of the reality, you can't prove kindness and everything is so twisted I don't know what the truth is. I recently contacted a marriage counselor who posted some videos that kind of spoke to me so I sent an email and setup a Google hangout, she asked about my childhood and so I was honest, I then received a two hour battering that included a reference to her husband ignoring her insults because he's a good man, that I didn't know my wife, I never really listened to anyone, I needed to pick up a "discount copy" of Men are from Mars . . . et al., and take my wife out to a nice dinner. We never touched the subject of the marriage and her body language completely changed when I cut it off, she wanted my credit card info right then and there. I paid her two hundred dollar fee on her website and thought this is exactly the problem all across the board, how could I be anything but poor, abusive, and inconsiderate - all based on a history that I had nothing to do with, not my choices as an adult, not my career, just all assumptions based on the life I was born into 35 years ago. I life I left then mistakingly invited right back into and expected to build a stable, caring, honest home.

So at the end of all this I am lost, I feel lucky to have any identity at all, I have been painted as abusive, insecure, jealous, and so on. My wife twists marriage counselors and therapists and I can't say if I know if anything she has ever said or done is honest. I have no problem leaving but can't leave a man behind ( I know how cruel it can be ) I'm scared to death he's being taken down the same road I have been and I am sure that her tears and twisted truths will win in the courtroom. I am no good at all about being dishonest and I realize that being too matter of fact is hard for people to take. I want to believe there is a conscious in there but my gut says there probably isn't. I realize that I was "wrong" in being to too kind and have lately begun to get some distance, that of course drives her to be more dependent. So we are shifting from phase to phase as she feels imbalanced in my lack of interest in her compliments or fishing, not yet escalated to the mean phase ( that was December to March ) but its cycling around.

I guess I don't know where to go next, if I get out of the situation, as I did in my twenties with my parents, I am taking a huge risk in being able to have contact with my son, I already know where that road goes. If I stay I am going to be in an exhaustive state of analyzing and reacting. I know that as I become more resistant to her tactics she will push her boundaries, as much as I hate to admit, it still hurts to see her act in a way that I know will only cause her more harm. I suppose that is the biggest problem with all of this, there really aren't any answers. I have spent the last 3 years in a state of self reflection. I got to a point that my emotional and rational state was at such a difference I knew that something had to change and I was thoroughly convinced it was me, my fault, and my job to fix. Its funny that when I started this period of reflection I had no idea what I was seeing or feeling and I printed "remember who you are" in latin, framed it, and put it on the night stand so I would see it every morning. Its these little things that let me know that now I have finally at least found some "why" as to what I was feeling and recognizing as being so wrong.

I apologize for the length, maybe I should just write a book. Either way and even if no one reads the post it felt better to get some of this out.

Hi Awaken,

First off, thank you for serving your country.

Second, I'll give you my story, to show you're not alone.

I have been where you are a couple years ago, when diagnosed with depression.
It pushed me to look for answers, and I started reading a lot on relationships, and finding related stuff on youtube.

What I found was that my wife was abusing me emotionally all the time, leading to my depression. No matter how hard I tried, it was never good enough.

This lead to anger, as I started giving her back exactly what she gave me, leading to huge fights.

Soon I realized that this was detrimental on the kids, so I switched to the undercover way : being cold to her, and pointing out her mistakes (without emotion). Her arguments became only her idea of reality, and incorrect most of the time.

And that is where I am now : my wife wants me to leave, but I refuse to do that, because in my view divorce is not the answer (kids needs both parents). I'm in it for the long run, and have prepared mentally for an extensive time of conflict. My focus is on the children in the first place, how I can be a better dad for them, and show them the right path in life. My wife is just an assistant who is around as a necessary annoyance (the kids need her).

The biggest issue in my relationship is the lack of respect I get for what I do. Men need to receive respect for their actions, in order to feel appreciated and grow into a great man. It is one of the big differences between men and women's needs in a relationship (women need to feel supported). I get only disrespect on a daily basis, and that "wife" at home refuses to see things as they are even if I spell it out to her clearly. She's as stubborn as a stone, and that probably comes from her development as a child (narc mother, extremely materialistic & competitive society, no emotional education, etc).

So I cut the supportive actions (no more jumping up for her every wish), in hopes of her realizing something (since she refuses to listen to me anyway). No luck so far, for her I'm just becoming a worse husband everyday. Some people are hard to teach...

I also start pointing out how she is actually destroying her own life (creating stress, anxiety, frustration, problems, etc.) and making it more difficult for me to do my job. All because madame feels unsupported. So far, she still considers I'm the cause of all our troubles...

But I'm not giving in. I need respect before the support comes back. I gave her support for 10 years, and the disrespect only became worse as time went on. I also educate the kids on how to talk respectfully, and show respect to me; in hopes that the queen might realize that things work a lot better when respect is involved.

If the realization does not come, it will also be fine. I do not intend to spend the rest of my life with a stone, so she's free to leave.

As I'm the sole breadwinner in the family, the kids would be assigned to me when it comes that far; giving me quite a comfortable position to start with. Your situation might be different.

To get educated on emotional abuse, try this book : "Emotional Blackmail", by Susan Forward. It will help you understand what is going on when she opens her mouth, and why. Plus what to do about it. It helped me tremendously.

You are not alone; you just don't know how what's going on and how to handle it, making you discouraged.
This female abusive behavior is so alien to you (or any man), that you seem to be in another world.
Educating yourself is the first step, all the rest will come from there.


Jack

Here are some great sites bro: learn as much as you can


Men Hurt too
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/

A Shrink for Men
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/

Light’s Blog
http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/#axzz2brWaMzP2

Jezebel Spirit Exposed
http://www.jezebelspirit.net/Jezebel_vs_The_Godly_Woman.html


Inside Narcissism
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/save-yourself/narcissism-video-vaknin-01.php

Dating a Sociopath
http://datingasociopath.com/


Psychopath Free
https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php


Out of the Fog
http://outofthefog.net/

Neuroinstincts
http://neuroinstincts.com/

Hi Awaken,

First off - welcome and to second every word Jack said; don't tell him - but Jack is a wise bloke...

I want to talk to you in a language only military men know - I too am ex military.

I too joined the RAF, at 17 - jumped from what (I only recently found out) was an (emotionally) abusive childhood perpetrated by a master of her art - my mother. Married another abusive woman at 22 - and there's been others. My story is here on this forum - but you'll already know it.

You and I would rather face a real and obvious enemy than fight a underhand fight with someone we trust and consider our friend and confidant from behind our own backs, undermining everything we do and (for a military man) disrespecting us and treating us with contempt.

The tough bit - I know you know...

Your not going to win this fight - she will use every dirty tactic on you and you are going to be hamstrung because YOU have honor, dignity, self esteem, emotional and personal decency and honesty. Things she both lacks and envies.

Your also pre-programmed by DNA to be the stronger man and protect this woman and your children - no matter at what cost to you.

These things so vital and noble in men - are your undoing - stoop to her level and the first causality is all the above in yourself; and going against your instincts and loosing your own emotional identity is truly not worth it - not for you and not for your children.

And SHE knows that... attacking your dignity and honor is her primary weapon.

I don't have children so I have no wisdom for you in that area nor can I put myself in your boots concerning that. But my instincts say put your kids first - because she doesn't.


So I'll give you the wisdom I know.

1. Know your enemy - sorry to say this - but she is NOT your friend. Read everything you can about women PDI's Learn the everything you can and deploy that knowledge in everything you do

2. It's NOT YOU... but you intuitively know that. Your upbringing has it's part to play but you can break that cycle

3. It IS her.... You didn't break it - you can't fix it. Stop trying

4. Don't fight the enemy's fight - it's her ground, her advantage, she out guns you, and you already know, she'll use tactics you can't defend against without excessive loss to yourself.

5. DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL - DO NOT get drawn in to a dog fight. That's her weapon... keep calm - reason is right no matter how hard she tries to gaslight. (wanted or not - it'll drive her nuts)

6. Document or record or track for evidence everything just in case you need it

7. Protect yourself (see 5) they can and do turn nasty really quick especially if their camouflage is blown

8. DO NOT tell her you've blown her cover. Never say she is a BPD or NPD or PDI of any sort - she'll Google it and .....boom....

9. Tell someone what you suspect and mention some of the potential consequences you heard these people enact. Key word is TRUSTED - it must have no chance to get back to her - better to document and see a lawyer than risk careless talk from friends or family.

10. Write a blog - if only a word document for yourself... have your voice - never send it - never show it - just have your rant for your self.

11. Make an escape plan - as a total last resort. There is no dishonor in retreat to fight another day. Accepted wisdom is no contact or minimum contact are the only solution's for you (us). Find a lawyer versed in PDI behavior who understands abusive women.

There is no shame that you say what you have said - it wold be more shameful if you resorted to her tactics. Be the man you are for your children. There are many vets here because we have the things they most look for, they perceive honor, self esteem, emotional honesty as things to exploit - and they are masters at it.


Finally - take care of yourself - be careful out there no matter how much easier being in theater is to being home...take care.

Thanks all, hard to sum up my appreciation here. Everything that you said fits and I think that breaking away from the self doubt is huge. So it is such a colossal thing to know that this exists, is draining my energy, and that what I suspect is real. Your advice definitely gives me a foundation to start to build on and I am looking into the references you posted.

There is a long way to go with this but at least I can start to understand how to manage it. I have been so tempted to try to reach her, explain, and somehow realized that if I did it would go terribly wrong so thanks for confirming that. I feel a lot better today then I have in months, I actually feel clear and concise, not angry, not hurt, but kind of comfortable if that makes sense.

Thanks again, Gabe, Jack, The New Me - All the best, looking forward to hearing more from you.

Awaken:

I was pretty moved by your story. I, too, have suffered terribly - both at the hands of my ex-wife (who happened to be a Rabbi) and a justice system that coddles and supports women like her despite her continuous abuse, lies, distortions and manipulation. I have experienced many, many days where I was alone battling trying to prove myself to be a good person, good husband and good father. My ex received strong support from the local social agency simply because of her role in the community. The fact that she is a woman also didn't hurt. The social agency ignored my desperate request for help until nine months after I filed a complaint with their organization. Our family law mediator/arbitrator also significantly favored her, so much so that after he resigned due to my claiming bias. It wasn't until after he resigned that I found out that the mediator's son works at the same law firm as my ex's father. I live in a city of five million people. This is no coincidence. You do the math.

Stay strong my friend. Surround yourself by people who you trust and will simply "give you a break". You need it. We all need it. Your ex - and the legal process - will sap your strength. And while I can not even begin to compare what you have done heroically on the battle field, I can say that I am proud to have endured the 30 months of hell that I experienced. I believe you are well prepared. Stay well, stay strong and give yourself a break because your ex won't.