I have had a great deal of anguish over the last couple of years with my parents.
They are both narcs, and they have had very hard lives.
They are 82 now, and my mom has cancer, and my dad has chronic liver disease.

Growing up with them, I was endlessly belittled. I tried to perform based on their expectations of me, but nothing was ever good enough.
They were basically mean and controlling. I was beat regularly and so on...

Well, now they are elderly and their health is ailing. I am the only one who can help them. They have no friends. No one visits them. It's just me. I'm busy with my own family, work, and marriage issues.
I feel so much guilt over not being there more for them, and by the fact that I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND THEM! THEY WRECKED MY CHILDHOOD!

I am trying not to let the past keep me from caring for them. But, dammit, I felt responsible for their emotional well being as a kid. I felt like everything I did impacted them somehow.
The pressure they put on me as a kid made me wish I could just get some illness or sickness so I could just get a break from them and all of their expectations.

I need to find a way to recover from the guilt I feel about them.
I know they are adults and they are responsible for their own lives, but they have no one else.

NLB,

It is normal you think that way.

Most children feel responsible if the parents are not happy; in a lot of divorces, the children feel responsible and blame themselves for the failure of the marriage.

The most important reason, in my view, is parent's ways of shaming and guilt-tripping unwanted behavior: by default, parents try to discourage unwanted behavior by making the child feel bad: "you should know better!", "look at what you did!", etc, are all ways to effect a child's emotion of the moment. It is basic emotional manipulation, and most parents do it unconsciously (I've done it too, until I became aware).

As the child has learned that bad behavior leads to bad feelings, it automatically feels guilty when bad situations occur; because the consequence is there, the cause must also be there. This causal link has been enforced by the parents time and time again, which is why the link becomes so strong.

I went through the same thing as a child, and it probably led to my becoming a people-pleaser and a codependent.

So there's nothing wrong with you, you're just a product of your upbringing.

Growing up, on top of that comes societal pressure to take care of your parents, as "they were the ones that made it all possible for you".

So there's your internal conflict : on one side your inner child's and adult's guilt about your parent's unhappiness, and on the other side your aversion for them because of the negative effects their parenting had on your life.

I've started pointing out to my mother the things she did wrong; I do not expect an apology, but it helps to just make the point, as a way of standing up for myself.

As back in the days most of the knowledge about parenting and emotional abuse did not exist, you can not blame someone for something they don't know. Therefore I don't need an apology.

But the least I expect is that she becomes aware of her mistakes. And that won't happen if no one tells her.

I actually expect her to disagree, but it's not my goal to get her agreement; my goal is to get the point across, and get rid of that cowardice feeling.

You might wanna try something similar, and see where to go from there.


Jack

There's two ways of looking at this.
Some guys would say no don't help your parents out because they facked up your life!
Other guys might say yes you must help mom and dad absolutely mandatory.
It's obviously a personal choice because nobody can force you either way.
Neither life nor death can change those old memories.

"B" How did they get this way? The same way all Narc's do they were subjected to the same I'd bet. So my take is you want to break the circle right? Then you may consider turning the other cheek. You like I've done for a long time need to focus on others no matter what (my opinion of course) We enable we are empathetic correct its what got us to here. We are better people being here is proof of that. Shine on "B"

Back when my dad had cancer,he was laying on the couch talking on the phone with people.He basically ignored me.
As a child he would bet against me: beat, kick,slap, punch and whatever.
Often adding verbal insults,(e.g. stupid kid,worthless coward,ugly,lazy).
There are possibly more abusive tactics that I have forgotten,but
I don't think he was satisfied with just the childhood abuse.
He wanted more abuse, almost every time I saw him he would pull some kind of crap on me.
Just because he had cancer didn't stop him from tryin me!
If he was still alive,I would still keep my distance from him.
Maybe I have it backwards,(i.e. he would keep his distance from me)?

Thanks guys. My parents aren't abusive with me anymore. As I got older, I refused to give them the chance.
I was respectful to them, but I never allowed myself to be vulnerable.

I will take care of them. I have forgiven, and I am trying to forget it all.

There were times that they were nice. I remember times when my dad was happy when I was a kid.

I still have thoughts like dependents do with bpd/npd partners, I blame myself.
I think that if I had only listened better as a kid. Or, if I would have been more compliant. Although, if I was any more compliant I would have been pure jello.

I guess I really just needed to be loved as opposed to being rated on performance.