Hi. Cutting to the chase. My fiance had a miss-carriage with our first baby. We both did not handle it so well. After a about a year, I caught her cheating. We broke up and later got back together after she was pregnant with the other guy's baby. She referred to him as just the "sperm donor" to emphasize her love for me. He did little to nothing in regard to attempting to be a father, but gets visitation currently. After 2 years and loving this baby boy who calls me daddy because, I am, even though I'm not his real father, I once again discover that my fiance has cheated on me with another different man. I bought a house in my name that we live in and her mother and sister along with her sister's newborn also live with us. If we split up because of the affair, they will not have a home. I can't afford another home in addition and I simply can't kick my baby son out along with my fiance and her family. I have no biological rights to our baby boy and am terrified of losing him completely, due to complete distrust for my fiance at this point. I finally got her to confess to it, but I still don't feel like I'll ever really be able to trust her again. Despite this, I remain with her for my son. I want biological children as well, but can't give up on my son to leave her either, to do so. I am completely torn and would appreciate any advice? Thanks

Well, you're certainly a nice guy for raising another man's child, giving your faithless wife a place to stay along with her immediate family, and baby daddy comes to visit your son at your house, right? Dude, you must have "welcome" printed on your back, cuz you are a doormat. Your wife has no respect for you. The consequence of her first affair(that you know of): you marry her anyway. What did she tell you "sorry, it wont happen again". Sucker!

She is only getting away with what you let her get away with. Stand up for yourself man, unless you like being a cuckold, and truly that is one of your options. If you let this continue, you'll have no right to complain about it.

The other option is to divorce her. You are correct, you cant trust her, and you will likely lose everything in a divorce. You must mentally prepare for that. File the papers, stick them under her nose, inform MIL and SIL that you will not stand for this then, employ the 180.

This just rankles me!

Sigh, maybe my first response was kind of harsh. But that really does not change things as far as options go for you. Lets look at some facts:

Your wife is a liar and a cheat.

She did it before, she'll do it again.

She only uses you for provisioning, she gets her 'gina tingles elsewhere.

Your son is not yours. You have no legal right to him.

You would be a fool to have biological children with this woman henceforward.

Does the MIL or SIL work to contribute to the household? Where is SIL's baby daddy? I am sorry you are in this position, but you are going to have to take steps to unstick yourself from this situation. You have no biological ties, so right now is a good time to bail. The longer you go like this the older the boy is going to get and it will be that much more traumatic for him.

There are a couple other things you could do:

Tell the wife its cool and get a ******** for yourself.

Bang the SIL.

Or the MIL if you're into that.

Cut your own 'nads off and become a eunoch.

OK, really those are not viable options. But you should read some books like No More Mr Nice Guy, Married Man Sex Life Primer. Visit other sites like Talkaboutmarriage.com and peruse their infidelity section. They have lots of good advice there.

You are a wise man soldier. You and I differ in tactics but the strategy remains.

You know I have empathy for the guy. I just don't understand where his anger and indignation is. White knighting 3 stoopid biotches has not gotten him a ticket on the poosy express.

I feel for him cuz I have been there (not this bad) where he is trying to be the good guy, nice guy and white knight and it has consistently gotten him more deeply snookered. If anyone needs to swallow the red pill it should be this guy STAT!

Arthur,

I fully agree with the others here, you are serving other's wishes way too much, and totally ignoring your own interests here.

It's ok to be a kind person, but if you cross a limit, it becomes just an abusive & taken-advantage-of situation. A lot of people have no remorse, and if you keep giving, they keep taking. The further you go, the more they will ask. It just never ends. Especially women are regular shoppers in this department.

You are the only one to protect your own interests, no one will do it for you. It's time to man up and make clear what you do not agree with. Enforcing limits is the only way to avoid being taken advantage of. And you're the only one who can enforce yours.

And on another note: it is a kind concept, taking care of someone else's child; but in a decade (depending on your age), your instinct will kick in, and you will start rejecting that child, because it does not carry your DNA. Our instinct is such that it encourages our own offspring, and that is not the case in your situation. As the child will start to rebel at teenage age, you will become very rejective, because inside you know this is not really your own child, just an "outside" non-respective troublemaker.
If it would be your own child, you would support it no matter what; you would just regard it as stormy waters your child has to sail through, and give all help you could.
With someone else's child, you will wonder where the hell the real father is, to come do his duty & help his cuckoo-troublemaker quiet down, instead of you doing his job for free.

Do not do this to yourself, or to the child. Better to let the connection fade early on, before things get too deep. At least, then you will both have a chance for a journey that was not rigged from the start on.

For the women : a family needs private space; parents could be acceptable in some cultures, but a family basically needs its own separate place on this planet to take care of itself. If you allow others to stay there, you are inviting trouble, especially if it's the other's relatives. For starters, you will always be outnumbered in every discussion with your "wife"; no matter how wrong or sick her point of view is, they will always support her, making you go mad with frustration: it will always be you against the "team". Do you want that as your future?

Not to mention the behavior of your "wife". If she wants to be regarded as a wife, she should behave like one. As she's behaving like a *ho**, she deserves to be treated as such. Really: if no one makes it clear that her behavior is unacceptable, she will just continue; she's very comfortable with the current status quo.

And personally, I think you deserve a lot better than her. You sound like a kind person, and she keeps abusing that.

People constantly try to find where the limits are, and you have allowed her to go waaaay (miles, really) past normal. You actually messed up already: she will not accept new limits, because "the same behavior was fine before". Making you the "crazy" one.

Only solution is to throw her out, it's the only language she will understand. A typical result of enforcing limits on those people is that they will become threatening, but you need to realize that she actually has no leg to stand on, the cards are all in your hand.

At the same time : you might want to question why you accept such wide abuse on a practical level. Did you have a bad example of relationships in your childhood? Were you raised in an overprotective environment? Is she your first? There is always a reason why someone becomes a people-pleaser, and you are really going overboard here.

Basically, you need to chose right here and now how the rest of your life will be; chose wisely.


Jack