i am engaged to be married in a month and i have been going thru cycles of abuse and then apologies and promises since the start but i never knew anything about narcissistic personality disorder until i found this site a few days ago. i have been watching these videos and others and they completely blew my mind. the descriptions of the behaviors of narcissistic women are so similar to my situation it is terrifying. examples of abuse include minor physical abuses such as knocking me over or punching me (one time), as well as the far more painful verbal and emotional abuse. she has yelled in my face every horrible insult in the book. she has done this in public and at home and a few weeks ago she did this in front of her mother (who is more narcissistic than she is) when she came to visit.
she is financially abusive as well. she slowly demanded more and more money from me and even quit her job and now contributes nothing at all. i tried to insist on her contributing just a token amount but she moved out and left me and would not agree to come back until i paid for everything.
the most confusing thing is that we have been engaged for three years because she has called the wedding off and moved out several times. when her mother was visiting they would go shopping for wedding dresses during the day but when she came home at night she would curse me and say she doesn't want to marry me. of course she acts so sweet and apologizes so much that i forgave her.
she is in psychotherapy and seems willing to work on her anger and intimacy problems. i want to hope she can get better. can she? i love her so much
i feel that i am in too deep to back out now. i am severely depressed. i feel trapped. if i would have seen these videos before i would have recognized the pattern and ended it but i have already paid for the wedding venue and invited all the guests. i don't think i can handle the humiliation and failure of calling off the wedding. i have wanted to get married for so long. i'm 38 and i don't know if i will get this chance again. i'm so confused! can she get better with help?

you feel that you are too dep but you are not.

please dont ruin years or decades of your life like some of us have.

Just get up and get away from her.Best thing is to say nothing and get away from her and say nothing-avoid conflict.Realize that your are probably addicted to the relationship thru trauma bonding.

Imagine having kids with her and her abusing them without you able to do anything about it.


because for example you are in jail with a false accusation from her and while you are in jail she is verbally abusing the kids and hitting them

or after she is done with you in a few years and she gets custody because mothers are usually given custody and she is abusing the kids.

any kids you have ,have a right to be born to a woman who is not abusive.

sshe is already abusing you in the begining ,in a few years it will get MUCH worse.

So dont look back,dont stop,dont collect 200$

just get away from her PLEASE.

NO EXCUSES, no ifs, ands or buts

Just leave

Wow dude, she is wearing you down. Think of a prize fighter that gets punch drunk. She will get worse, not better especially once she has your nuts in her hands via matrimony. She'll have no need to keep the mask on once you are married. She will spend you into oblivion, devalue you because you cant earn enough money to keep her haappy, possibly cheat on you eventually divorce you take you for what ever skin you have left and leave you with half of the debts.

She seems to have a mental disorder, you should not torture yourself by marrying her. Love will fade, but this behavior is forever.

From the horse's mouth:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XAXDnpUfZY

Nick,

All the others here are right : it is only going to get worse.

On the road to a normal wedding, both partners convince each other of their qualities by showing their best sides.
She has shown you her worst.
Is that a partner you want to spend the rest of your life with?

One of the things waiting for you (the inevitable favorite argument of most women) : "Since you knew how I was before we got married, you can not complain about me anymore afterwards". In her mind, after the wedding, she will have a free ticket to become as extreme as she pleases. She has someone to take care of her, so why should she worry about anything?

And be advised: it will get a LOT worse than this. Women are waaay more vicious and cruel than any man could ever be.

Do not play the white knight here, she will not turn around. Respect yourself, and do not allow someone else to abuse you like that.

You are representing something she desperately needs : a caretaker & provider; all the rest is just a show to get that. Do not neglect yourself and your own interests : give your support & attention to someone who really deserves it, not to someone who has already proven otherwise.

If she loved you, she would not abuse you, it's that simple. She's basically a person with a huge personality problem, and she's incapable of handling it herself. Once you marry her, it becomes your problem. And she WILL accuse you when you're not able to handle HER problems; a lot of women are still that immature at an adult age.

You are afraid of the costs and the shame of the canceled marriage. Well, how about I tell you that living with her will keep you in debt forever, and you will live the rest of your life in agony?

Is that the future you want to prepare for yourself?

Because that's what's waiting right in front of you.

A short pain and shame, or a lifetime of worse: those are your options here.

And another tip : be careful with sex: once she gets a suspicion you have doubts, she will try everything in and out of the book to get pregnant, to hook you forever. Do not fall for it.

Break it off, it is the only sensible thing to do in your situation. Unlike others here, you still have a choice. Use it.

Jack.

thank you all. i appreciate your advice and support. i have a couples therapy session with her scheduled for tomorrow (this will be the 3rd couples therapist that we have seen, the first 2 recommended we break up). i plan to be assertive and try to point out the abusive patterns that our relationship has followed and stand up for myself. as much as this hurts me i'm starting to feel like i have to face the fact that she will not change. she has promised me so many times that she will change but then she goes back to her old ways so quickly. the hard part is she is so good at looking cute and innocent and making me feel bad for suggesting that we break up. when i say that she has been abusive she twists things around and blames me for everything. it's so hard not to forgive her

It will be easier now than later when the additional strings of life with this woman are tied around you neck......may hurt more though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaVn5IPlUvo

Nick,

You've just pointed out why you are in this situation : you are waay too submissive to her.

Of course she will promise to change, what else could she say to keep her future provider? And you've shown her that it's a reliable strategy to keep you available.

The looking cute and innocent is what most female attraction is based on. It is the magnet women use to catch a man. And you prove to her time and again that it still works, despite that you've just caught her misbehaving.

The making-you-feel-bad, twisting and blaming is all about emotional abuse. She will say the greatest bull to make you feel bad if you do not follow her direction, because you have always caved in when you felt uncomfortable. In her view, it is a great control tool.

Educate yourself on mental abuse, it will open your eyes.

You, my friend, are waay too good for her. How many more therapists will it take to make you realize that?

End it, you will be glad you did.



Jack

i went to the therapy session today. my fiance lied about most of the abuse and minimized the severity of our toxic relationship. the most outrageous thing to me is that the therapist said it was hurtful for me to use the word abuse! how can a therapist say that? she just met us today and as soon as i suggested that the relationship is unhealthy and should end she fought for us to stay together. how does she know that my fiance is not abusive? why would any therapist recommend that someone stays in an abusive relationship? how can she say it is offensive that i am reporting the abuse to her in the therapy session? would she tell a battered woman to stay with the abusive man? it is so frustrating to live thru this and then to hear my fiance lie about it, but it is worse that a professional therapist would just blow it off. it just doesn't seem safe. i am a doctor myself and if any patient came in reporting abuse i would immediately contact an authority such as the police and provide a domestic abuse hotline number and a way to get to a safe shelter. i would take the report very seriously because anyone knows that abuse is very serious. how can i explain to this therapist that i am actually being abused.
for example my fiance will often get right up in my face and scream that i am a "p**sy" and a "little b**ch" and that i am "not a man." she will say "what are you going to do about it you p**sy, nothing!" but in the therapy session my fiance claimed that she said "nick sometimes i would prefer if you were a little more manly."
one time she ran at me and knocked me over. i ended up hurting my neck and back. my fiance claims that i just fell over when she ran at me. this is insane! i'm not clumsy. she punched me in the groin once and in the therapy she said it was an accident. i may not have known what abuse was before i found this forum and these videos on this site, but now i do.
this is abusive and i can't even get the therapist to take it seriously!

Well you have your answer

listen to your gut feelings and leave

and btw you just saw the blue pill is about



"women look for security (money) so they will not look like and sound like gold diggers

she is expressing herself (verbally abusing you)

etc..."


you have been groomed, and she knows this and you dont need to marry her

later

Your therapist would prefer that your fiance remain your problem.......therapists fear the BPD.

Nick,

There are good therapists and there are horrible ones. They're just like everyone else, just with a certificate.

First point : therapists have narcissists among their legions as well; it's actually quite an attractive field for them, as they get to play boss over others who are down in the pits, making themselves look better. So if you don't feel heard by her, search for another one.

Second point : she is a woman, and will naturally connect and side with the same gender. Even when as a therapist, she should not. She knows what women want (a provider), and will help her gender-mates to succeed in their mission. Who recommended her by the way?

Third point : stereotypes. Especially in abusive relationships, the woman is always considered the victim; it is a dogma that reigns untouched. Whatever the man says, does not matter, he is by nature considered the bully. Most women have a hard time getting this picture out of their minds, because of the feminist propaganda. So does your "therapist". (Some women start to see the light, but we still have a loooong way to go)

Fourth point : you just saw how your partner can twist reality around. She will do that for the rest of her life. Your feelings will not be considered in the process, since her public image is at stake here (= the core of all narcissistic behavior). You can turn anything around with words, and especially women are masters at it. To give an example : my wife told me that as a child, her mother taught her "you have a mouth to make a dead person look a bit more alive, and a living person a bit more dead"... In other words, you make reality serve your point of view, always.

And women know that they go berserk, but they will always downplay it later on.

Fifth point: you are the one who wants to opt out of the relationship. So, You are the one who needs help here. You are in therapy to be heard, to find someone who listens, and can guide you towards a solution. Your "therapist" already started in the wrong direction by judging your opinion, instead of asking more details, and giving you the chance to explain your point of view. She put you on the defensive from the start, and as such does not deserve the title of "therapist"; she's paid to help, but is doing more harm than good.

Sixth point : you should not go to therapy together. Your partner will always negate (or bully) whatever you point out; this is what narcissists are best at. If you want to continue therapy, find another professional, and go to individual sessions.

Seventh point : your "partner" bullies you where it hurts the most : in your self-respect. Women know this is a weak spot for every man, and a lot of them happily use it. Most of the time when a woman is not able to defend her point of view in a clear and logical way (or is just plain wrong, and wants to cover it up), she reverts to the only weapon she has left: abusing his feelings. It's all part of fogging up the real topic, so she won't "loose the battle".

Now, knowing all this, I hope you'll reconsider the marriage...

Jack

Nick:

Please strongly consider the advice provided by those afflicted by an abusive partner/wife/ex-wife. I have no doubt - none at all - that you will suffer tremendous emotional abuse as a result of your fiancée (in addition to physical). It is not worth it. You have to look out for yourself. Don't think that you can change this person. It won't happen.

I suffered tremendously as a result of a narcissist ex-wife. My kids are now paying the price. In my case, my ex-wife was somewhat high profile so despite her toxic behaviour, several counsellors, religious leaders stood closely by her. It did not matter how she behaved - all that mattered was who SHE was. As has been stated, just because someone is a counsellor or psychologist doesn't mean they are going to help you. As I have found out, they generally take sides and because of the masterful spin of my ex, my feelings and experiences are usually ignored.

Like me, you sound like a selfless and devoted guy. Don't let her run you over. Stop being naive like I once was. I was too nice. I, too, thought everything would pass. It didn't. You need to stand up for yourself to protect you and those people who you care about.

Nick

You don't know me, or any of us for that matter, but believe me when I tell you this, We all on this site know one another and are somewhat brothers for the fact that we all have been through the same factory. What I mean by factory is the process by which an abusive person like these types we unfortunately have let into our lives change us and turn us into something we are not meant to be which is a servant for whatever they wish. Once we were a man who could stand up for what was important to himself, his esteem and character, but after being with the NPD/BPD we are turned into exactly opposite of that and it is not our fault, its not your fault my friend because they are like the spider that hides in the darkest corner in your closet you never see until the lights come on and for most of us that's usually too late.

Dear Nick, please educate yourself and please do not suffer anymore, like I said in the beginning you do not know us but we know you brother and we see what will come next. Have you ever said to yourself "I wish someone could have told me this back when"? Well it seems like nor only all of us here are saying the same thing but your body and mind is telling you as well. It will be hard because you are chemically addicted to the trauma, and are stuck in whats called cognitive disownance, But listen to all of here and please believe me when I say it will get much, much, much worse. NPD women usually leave there current partner when they get bored or if they feel they might lose a side man. They will leave a current one, then be with the other just to shut him up for a bit then go back to the old so I would not be surprised if she has others she is seeing. My ex acted perfet, just like yours actually and I know now that she did this on purpose to build the trauma bonding and keep me scrambling. She had multiple guys that I knew nothing about.

If it helps read my story on here, I posted 2 years ago and Im much better now that im away from her, but it took a long time to heal, and im still not 100%, this is the devastation they leave. Most of the time at therapy the therapist will get conned by the NPD which is why many don't want to deal with them.

Everyone here is here for you Nick, that is the purpose of this site. You will go through painful withdraws but this is even more evidence that it is bad!!! But remember, its takes work and a long time like AA, or NA your body is addicted to what is called peptides your brain creates with her, good and bad,, mostly bad!! Which is why you feel bad and this is EXACTLY what she wants Nick.

Before I go I will say this once more, please leave, don't talk to her, don't anything. cut all contact. Life is meant to be lived my friend, enjoyed, and loved. If you continue with this person it will ruin your life in ways you cant even imagine.

Nick
All you are to her is supply,thats all,plus she has tested your levels of abuse,which is high,you are her dream match,thats why she wants to marry you.
she has no emotions,no empathy,no love.
She is A full blown Narcissist there is no cure,they lie like most people breathe.
I have just come out of a relationship with one,she groomed me,she realized I had come from a mother of a narcissist,so my abuse levels were high,I was her dream,I live in Aust,she in the US,she treated me like ****,abused me,threw my past in my face,called me a **** wit,she hated me,and I loved her,she never thanked me for buying her a ticket to OZ,or the $ I spent on her,you see people,not just women also men with NPD,think they own us,we are only supply she doesnt love you,she has no feelings.she is not human they are creatures,I'm sorry dude,but its true.

get away from her,dont argue just leave ASAP

research as much on NPD as you can,I only found out mine was NPD,9 days ago,you need to tick behavior boxes,and red flags that evidence is hard to deny,your in denial man,coz you are a real person,and you love her,but she has never loved you,you were just a target,mine kicked me out on the Street in LA,she was going to immigrate to Aust,then 7 weeks later,was with her next victim.

Its hard to believe,trust me I know,its been a year and that ***** has spoken to me for 6 mins on the phone,while I have had 2 suicide attempts,NOW I know what she is,get out now,like right now,and dont look back.

Good your on here mate

It sucks to have to tell you this...but you absolutely must untangle the whole wedding thing and get out of this. She can't change this is who she is-! It sucks I know you love her. It sucks because everybody is ready for the wedding!! It just isn't what it seems-she isn't-and this is a critical real world decision for YOU. It sucks-I know. But take it from those of us who have been to hell. Don't go there!! Actually it sucks there-and it never changes-she will cheat and suck you dry emotionally and financially. Again, sorry to have to tell you this and sorry you didn't have a therapist with guts. I know man...it sucks.