I'm married to a narcissistic female.
All the traits are there and all the blame etc...triggers and isolation and she's constantly saying I'm the one with issues. I'm the narcissistic one. That I don't cater to her needs. It's crazy. I know I'm not crazy and the majority of arguments are completely false. The accusations are flipped around and no matter how much I try to get her to see why my behavior isn't negative or that she is the one causing the problem. The more it gets put back on me. All my friendships have been destroyed. My family hates her and wish I would leave etc but I have a 3 year old and it's very difficult. I try to go places and have alone time with friends and I'm some how not being a good father or I'm just using her for a babysitter she says even though I offer to watch them so she can do the same. People need space and u constantly feel smothered my whole life isn't in my control anymore. She does he doesn't work and it's always some dramatic reason why this or that job got lost etc. It all seems very calculated. I feel so jaded. Certain things in our relationship have patterns year round like empkoyment. She will work to buy Xmas stuff. Then quit then gets a job for few months the in summer to get out of house away from kids. I don't know. It's confusing and I do think know what to do.

First off, you're not crazy. Dealing with this type of personality is very difficult for the average person. They're very skillful in what they do. Over time, you were shaped and molded in to what they needed in their life, a human punching bag. Trust me, I know exactly what you're going through, because I'm in the same situation. We could compare notes for days, because that's how much craziness has been done to us without anyone knowing and you're afraid no one would believe or understand it if you do. Just remember you're not alone in this.

Dude its crazy. I take valium and opiates to get threw the day with her and I'm pretty sure she is stealing then but can't confirm just yet. She tries to keep me dependent on her for the opiates is how it all started so she could be in control but I had a car wreck few months ago so now I have my own and it drives her nuts. All of sudden its your a addict. Your just doing it for the high etc..When I really need them (I only started taking half of hers due to another injury and it was just a way to keep me under her thumb.) She uses it all the time to her advantage like im not allowed to have female friends but ive found if they have pills she can benefit from they are at least allowed to come into contact until they are no longer useful. My wife uses her ex husband and a old guy friend as a connect sorta speak but I think she's sleeping with him or exchanging candy. It's just not right to my gut. She's constantly mean and says it's all me. She tries to turn my son and the evil step kids against me ( they both show signs of being ill as well but my 3 year old is normal so far) he's a tool for her to use against me etc. I've no friends and the ones I have it turns into a war to see or do anything with. She tries to keep me from family etc. Everything turns into a big deal if it's not what she wants. We hardly ever talk and if I do about stuff she's not interested in I'm hushed. Then she complains we don't talk nothing about any of this makes sense. It's insane.

I could go on in great detail of all the crazy **** that happens daily. Any type of successful job I get is cap she tries to destroy me when I try and go to college etc anything to improve myself financial or just in general is crushed. I'm making plans to leave but I'll miss my son :( he's the only reason I try to work it out .

Guys,

Do not take anything she says too serious.

From your comments, I get that she hurts you a lot because you take everything she says to heart.

Meaning what you say, is how men communicate.

Women are a different breed. They often say sh*t to get some frustration out of their system. If you're frustrated, they believe that there's nothing better than to unload it to someone else. So stop following her words, it will make your life a lot easier.

Another reason women do this is to test where the limits are : when are you going to object to her extreme behavior, where is your limit, how far can she push you. That is why you should hold your new girlfriend on a very short leash early on in the relationship; it establishes your limits as very strict. And important is, you need to be consistent about this, as she will test you for the rest of your life.

Also, with abusive women, they use these insults to lure you into an emotional word war, because they know they are a lot stronger on that level than you. Women have much more ammo on their emotional artillery than any man, so they lure you into that kind of fight whenever they feel they are weak on the logical front.

Do not fall into that trap every time, as you keep giving her the advantage and power. Ignore it; it's a skill you can learn like any other.

Doing so, and staying logical and factual, will take a lot of her power away. As she does not have her life together, she will always lose in a logical discussion. So stay logical, and ignore or decline anything that sidetracks the discussion into the emotional minefield.

It's a first step out of this. Try it.


Jack

Logical argument? Lol that died a long time ago. You lose every time.

Exactly my point.

She tries to get you away from being logical, because she knows she will lose the argument. Your job is to stay there, and not follow her into the emotional minefield.

Women are experts at this : nothing better than to change the topic of a discussion : "you hurt my feelings", "don't be so inconsiderate", "you're mean", "you're stupid", "why didn't you...". Diversion after diversion after diversion, until you give in and follow her into an emotional battle. Result : she wins, you feel like dirt, and she did not lose a logical discussion...

When emotional manipulation does not work, she will try to appear logical, by actually making up the greatest bullsh*t : "I know I was late to pick up the kids, but as my husband/boyfriend, it is your job to check if I'm ok/on time!" She's grasping straws here, because she's uncomfortable on the logical field, and she knows it. It is just an attempt to beat you at your own game.

It takes self-control and resilience to master these traps, but it is definitely possible. But you have to be calm and consistent; and that is where most men fail.

When I'm under fire, I always think of Ghandi : "First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win..."



Jack

Jack has a point, just the other day my wife tried engaging me into an argument about something small. I took notice to how she was projecting onto me how I was the one with the problem and in need of counseling. Usually I would go into an emotional rage and try proving SHE'S the one who needs help. But I didn't. Every time she tried to make a claim I asked her to prove it. She eventually gave up and settled down feeling a little less hyped than before. And I thought to myself, "just stay calm and make her validate every false claim". That's where I've been going wrong in the past, the more I fell into her emotional trap the more control she had over me at the time, thus giving the expression that I've become weaker over time. You must dilute this allusion over time by standing firm and not falling for the old Jedi mind tricks anymore.

Of course, Worn, it happens all the time.

We men just never learnt to see it that way.

We men are most sensitive & vulnerable about our reputation & public image, and the easiest way to get us upset (distract us) is to attack that directly. Women know this very well, and (ab)use it whenever they start to lose a discussion, or when they need to get rid of some frustration. It's cheating, but we men are too focused on our reputation to pay attention to the rules of the game.

Stay calm, stay focused on the topic, disregard distractions, and you'll see that she has actually very little to stand on.

Over time, you'll start to recognize immediately when she pulls out the cheating card again, and that it does not bother you anymore; you're cool anyway because you know how to easily deflect it.

Learn to master it, and take your life back.

It's worth it...

Jack