I can't believe it. This describes to a t the relationship I have with my father. It has become unbearable and know one understood what I have been dealing with. I have ended up isolating myself from the world. It has been a slow gradual thing over many many years. He used to attack my mother until she finally shot him after she went into a deep depression. My brother went across a desk and almost chocked him to death. Now he is attacking me. He is very successful and uses his money to manipulate me. I operated a pawn shop that he and a partner owned and I was successful at it. The more success I gained, the worse he treated me. It was unbelievable. He was jealous of my success. I could not please him no matter how good I did. I finally popped and turned to drugs to escape. I ruined everything. I remember going into a hamburger establishment that was doing very well when I was young with him and him telling me how dumb the people were for not expanding the restaurant to other locations. Well, when I was very successful in the pawn business, I kept telling him we need to expand and he would have nothing to do with it. He made every excuse not to do it. He would have lost control of me if I had expanded. I was so stupid not to do it anyway but I listened to him, as he was my father. After turning to drugs and losing everything, I just sat around feeling sorry for myself. I should have gotten a job somewhere but I didn't. I went back to work for my father helping him with the rental properties he now owns. He barley paid me anything but I thought things would change when he saw how hard I was working. I fell right back into his trap. He started telling me what a loser I am in front of my kids. I had no choice but to continue working because I had fines to pay or I would go to jail. That is all my fault and I know it, but he used that to his advantage. He talked down to me in front of the other employees he has and I know they think I am a weak P.O.S. He has set up his business and is going to give control of it to a guy that is working for him now. The only experience the guy has had before working for my father is working at a restaurant. My father was treating me like **** in front of them and the only thing I can figure out is so they would disrespect me also. I have quit recently and am trying to recover from the abuse he dished out at me. I am not doing a very good job at explaining everything he did to me but you get a general idea. I am fifty now and am going to have to start over with nothing. I didn't understand his ability not to have empathy for anyone until now. The ways you describe a narcissist fits him exactly. He is loving watching me suffer. Thank you for explaining what has been going on all this time. I have to pick myself back up somehow and start living again. I have to overcome the depression that has set in. Many thanks.
Kevin

Welcome to the world of those who know, Kevin.


It is better late than never. You realize that your father is not who he is supposed to be. That is your current reality.

You've found the answer to a lot of your internal questions; it all starts to become clear now.

Any idea for the next step?




Jack

Hey Jack,

No, it's unclear what exactly to do right now. Actually it has been unclear my whole life, but I didn't truly understand what was going on until I stumbled across you guys.

I always said something was wrong with my father but I couldn't figure out exactly what was going on. All I knew for sure is that he was making me feel horrible about myself every time I talked to him.

I have done nothing but study "narcissism" for the past couple of days. I had heard of the word "narcissist", but never understood its meaning until now.

I'm not positive what to do now, but my first reaction was the want to expose him for what he is.

Maybe "expose" is not the best way of saying it. Maybe "educate" everyone that has and is being affected by him is a better way of putting it. It would make me feel better if everyone around him were to clearly understand the true definition of a "narcissist" and what to look out for. That way, his actions would be more understood for what they really are.

The education is something that is certainly lacking in this area. The havoc that is reeked in a victim's life can't be understated.

Ya know, that might be something I could do to help myself heal. That's try to get the word out the best I can about this...... well, "torture" that is being inflicted upon victims.

The not understanding what is really happening is what should be stopped.

Thank you for making the effort to help me understand.

Kevin

Hello Kevin,

As James says in his videos : "Knowledge is power". Once you know what's going on, you can finally start planning an effective way to handle it.

Before the knowledge is there, you're just firing away in the fog, hoping to get lucky and hit something by accident.

I agree, these things should be made more available to the public. I always wonder why no one included this (emotional/relationship) education in the normal curriculums of our schools, as it is clearly a very useful life skill for everyone.

If you need some tips on how to continue next, you can start with arming yourself against the favorite weapon of the narcissist : emotional abuse. There's some good literature out there on how to handle it and how to stay on track; you could start with that.

Once you're familiar with the defenses, you could become a guide to others, by showing how to handle the abuse; like a well-grounded guide in a storm.

I'm sure that if you're able to counter your father's attacks every single time, it will drive him up the walls. A narcissist can not accept his own failure, and that's exactly what you will show him every time he's with you.

Time to return the non-mercy.

Also, by rebutting his attacks and showing how things should be handled in a normal way (preferably in public), he will immediately be exposed as an abnormal person. And that kind of rumour spreads quickly...

Just some ideas...



Jack