Hi. I am a new poster here. I have a very complicated and bad relationship with my girlfriend of 5 and a half years.

Today I just wanted some advice on one aspect of our relationship.

My girlfriend is a controlling bully. When she is angry with me she has been know to pretend to spit in my face and to kick me or elbow me. This does not happen often but it has happened. Another more common occurrence is that she will say something vile and spiteful to me and then pretend to make up and offer to make peace by saying "now now lets move on. stop being so touchy". Then she tries to hug me in a totally false "loving embrace". When I move away she does not desist but tries to force herself on me until I have to use my arms to stop her. Evntually, when she wont stop, I either wriggle away or push her off me with minimal force. She then claims I have been "aggressive" and violent and that I have anger issues. But I know I am not crazy and I have only used minimal force to try to move her away from me.

Another tactic she uses when she is in full flow, berating me and putting me down or demanding that I answer some kind of no win rhetorical question, is to trap me in a room. For instance tonight we were in the bedroom and she was ranting at me, demanding to know what I meant by some comment I had made.I tried to leave but she stood blocking the door. She often does this and today I cracked and pushed passed her. I didn't hurt her but she struggled to try and stop me getting out. So there was a tussle. Eventually I got out and she punched me in the back on the way out. Did I do wrong? Should I just have accepted that I am trapped in a room by her and she decides if I can leave.

I feel she is using an old trick of starting a fight with a man and when he eventually lifts his arms to prevent the blows or tries to get out of the trap she screams that its aggression or violence.

I would like to stress that I have never been physically aggressive towards my girlfriend or anyone else.

How can one deal with this kind of behaviour in a way that doesn't involve submitting to the bully's will but keeps one safe from false accusations of aggression?

Apart from the obvious answer "Get out and don't go back!"

Hi there,

You've come to the right place; what you're experiencing is the start of what we all went through here.

To know how to handle this, requires to know what is going on under the surface.

Mind you, this is my personal theory, based on life experience. I don't know your girlfriend, or her past, so it might or might not be applicable for you.
I assume that she has an otherwise normal personality here.

In general, your girlfriend is behaving this way because she is very frustrated.

As a woman, she needs a mate, and you are currently it; she wants you to stay with her, for the rest of her life.
As a woman, she is also aware that her fertility is expiring at some point, and that you will meet more fertile women in your life. She's desperate that you might choose one of them over her, and she looses her life-partner.

I know, it is very low-level, but that is the instinct that plays here.

She needs a mate, and she is afraid you might leave her. She wants you to stay, but she has no idea how. Women do not understand men, and what our needs are. All they know is that men need a fertile woman, and that is where it ends.
So for a woman, men have all the options, and they have no power to make a man stay with them. Hence the frustration, and the frantic efforts of most women to force a man to stay, including the pregnancy trap.

From frustration comes emotional abuse; that is the preferred way women get back at someone.

That is what you are experiencing here : emotional abuse. She is abusing your feelings, also because that is the only part of you she has some control over.

Now how to handle it?

It is your job to tell her when she is abusing your feelings. She needs to hear it. As she doesn't have a clue of what is going on inside you (being a cool guy, a bit closed and mysterious), she is not aware when and how much she is abusing your feelings. You need to tell her.

I know: for a man, talking about your feelings is a sign of femininity, and weakness. We are just not used to it and feel uncomfortable doing it. But it's the one thing we can learn from women : opening up about our feelings, and defending our emotional needs. I consider it one of the things missing in a boy's maturing process.

Now for the practical side of things :
- next time when she's pretend-spitting, kicking or elbowing, tell her that physical violence is not allowed in a good relationship. A stick behind the door is to let her know that you are both equals in this relationship. So, whatever she does to you, she is actually giving you the green light to do that exact same action back to her.

Without really doing it, of course. It is all about making her realize she is going too far, and that you do not accept it. It's basically setting your boundaries, and making them clear to her.
Important is to stay consistent, as she will try multiple time whether the limit still exists.
Over time, she will start to follow and stay inside your limits, as she knows she will lose you if she goes outside them too much.

- Her telling you to not be so sensitive, is a cover-up of her realization that she made a mistake. She realizes she went too far, and instead of apologizing, she tries to put the fault on you (nobody likes to admit their mistakes). Stay consistent, and tell her that she just hurt your feelings in a very bad way, and she should apologize for it.
Also, you are refusing her hug, because she has just hurt you and even tries to blame you for it. No one wants to accept a hug in those circumstances; that is a normal human reaction, and she can not expect otherwise from you; it's just not how things work. First the apology, then the hug.
If she still forces you to hug, just let it happen, without any emotion. She will feel how cold you are to her, and know that it was wrong. Afterwards, just tell her how awkward that was, and that it was not what should have been done, before leaving the scene. No need to use force anymore.

- her blocking the door is her way of forcing you to communicate with her. She's in the process of communicating with you, and can not accept that you leave her dangling in the middle of the "conversation". It is basically a desperate attempt to be close to you.
Women love to communicate, and expect the same from men. For them it is a sign of closeness if you talk a lot.
Men not loving to talk, creates a problem here; especially if the man and woman are not aware of the gender differences in behavior here.

Women misunderstand men's need to retract and take time to think, as a sign of "he doesn't want to talk to me". This is how a woman behaves when she does not want to talk, and most women project the same behavior on their men.
It's one of the most common misunderstandings between the sexes, and it leads to heaps of conflicts.

Next time she tries to force you to talk, tell her you need time to think it over, and continue tomorrow.

(continued)

Try to teach her that men are different in this regard than women, and that it is not from bad intention, but just different natural behavior.

Maybe she will not accept it the first time, but consistency is your friend here (again).

- in general, when she belittles or berates you, tell her she is abusing your feelings again, and that she needs to tell you directly what is her problem, or you will not be able to help her.
Women love to fog up their requests, and often revert to insults out of frustration when the man is not able to decipher her question.
But men need direct and clear communication; it's just another gender difference; women just have to learn to be direct and clear if they want to keep a healthy relationship with their man.

- and the biggest of all : men need respect from their partner. When she belittles you, she is disrespecting you. When you feel disrespected, everything is off the table. You close down, and no force from her side can open you up again, until you have recovered. It is natural male behavior, and most women just bulldoze straight over this requirement, before wondering what has happened. Make it clear that you are a normal man, and this is one of your needs. In return, you will be able to provide her the support that she needs.


This has become a lot longer than I expected, but I guess life has too many aspects to describe in a few lines.

Hope it helps, keep us posted.


Jack

Thankyou for your helpful reply. Its great to hear from someone on this subject and this forum is a totally new way for me to discuss my problems.

Many of the observations you make sound true of my girlfriend. She is certainly frustrated and feels neglected. This is the reason for some of her outbursts and attempts to control me. These outbursts in turn drive me further into my shell and lead me to avoid the intimacy and passion she craves.

I will try to use some of the ideas you have suggested and keep you posted. I will also post on a few other problems I am having which I feel sure are commonplace.

Unfortunately, some of your suggestions include explaining things to her in the hope she will understand. This presupposes that the woman in question is capable of listening to someone else explain their side of a problem without interrupting and that they would be capable of realising they did something wrong. That could be a problem!

Be back soon. Wish me luck!

Hi,

You're welcome, glad to help.

Let's go a bit deeper on the listening and realizing part.

First, some background : whenever a woman throws a fit, she's testing how dominant you are and where you limits are (= are you a good leader?), and if you are able to decipher her hidden messages (do you understand her = are you compatible on an emotional level?). Remember, she needs a mate, and all women test their guy to see how he qualifies on those aspect. Every time you react, she will update her image of you; which can be in a negative but also in a positive way.

What she needs is someone who is rock-stable under pressure. If you give in to her pressure, she will be disappointed, and push harder to verify if her first impression was correct, but also to give you a second chance. If you yield again, you start losing image-points.

Same thing if you do not measure up in the decryption department.

Now how to tackle this?

When she tries to invite you to the dance of fire, you need to be sufficiently grounded to refuse the invitation. Meaning, when she's throwing complaints and insults at you, you need to be calm and brush it off.

Consider it as being a member of a public looking at a dance performance. When the dancer invites you to join, calmly refuse, say you need time to think, and return to your place in the spectator's lounge, where you start your objective evaluation.

It's hard in the beginning, but it is a skill that is extremely useful in life.

Some tips to make it easier for you :
- Of critical importance is that you are able to stay calm, no matter what she throws at you. If you can stay calm in heat of a fight, it will release the pressure immensely. Remember: you're the leader here, she just follows where you go. Even if she cloaks it up as the opposite, natural instinctive roles always play under the surface. So start working on finding and keeping your Zen, INDEPENDENTLY from her.
- Know that the primary reason you're getting upset is because she's disrespecting you (with insults or attacks on your manliness, etc). It is a skill she still needs to learn, but at least you know what's going on and are able to follow the script.
- you mention that it is a problem for her to listen & accept your point of view, and realize she did something wrong. Do not be too expectant here; it will never happen on immediately, or during a discussion. This is a point where women and men are the same : it's hard to admit our mistakes, and any change (your differing point of view) is difficult. The way we accept change is to test it repeatedly and see if the change gets confirmed. So you need to stick to your point consistently, and over time she will eventually accept the update. Patience and consistency are your friends here. Also, as a person, she will realize she did something wrong after a while, but will only mention it during a moment of deep connection; expecting an apology during a discussion is a dead end, it just doesn't happen during a moment of high emotions.
- another important factor is that in the heat of a discussion women often say things that they DON'T mean; they just spew rubbish to get frustration out of their system (frustration from being wrong again, too emotional, no self-control, or needing emotional support and not getting as much). What she says in those moments is NOT part of her principles; she's just "putting out the garbage". And as women need another person to put their emotions out on, and you're the only other person in the room... Basically most women are like children on the emotion-controlling part, which is why they look up to us and why they need us.

Being in the man-zone and understanding what is going on is the key to handling all these situations.

She still needs to learn a lot about men, and you're her primary teacher, but at least you have an idea now what her context is.



Hope it helps,

Jack

Thanks again. Good advice. The Zen thing is very helpful. I believe the phrase "observe but don't absorb" is a good mantra when dealing with rants.

Just wanted to mention a couple of other recurring problems I'm having with my girlfriend. I'd be interested to hear how anyone thinks I could deal with these...

1. My girlfriend is Swedish and has two kids who speak Swedish (not fluently but getting there). Sometimes they speak Swedish to each other around the house. Fine. That's great that they can have a second language and I don't have a problem with that.
However, when she's mad at me my girlfriend often switches to almost exclusively speaking Swedish with the kids. She's doing it to ostracize me and punish me. She will also moan about petty household stuff (eg I used the last clean teaspoon) in Swedish while the kids can her. I dont know what she's saying but I know its not nice. I can't prove she's switched language just to get at me and when I've complained she always says I'm deluded and she often speaks Swedish with the kids etc etc. However, I am **** sure it's used as a weapon against me. In my opinion it's the height of bad manners and disrespect and constitutes a very low level form of abuse. What do I do?

2. Secondly, I like running. I go six days a week and I do some weights and abs excercises nearly every day. I have been on tablets for depression in the recent past and stopped taking them six months ago. I swapped my exercise regime for the tablets. Lost a fair bit of weight and felt like I'd beaten the depression by exercising.
My girlfriend says I'm obsessed with excercise and ridicules me as being underweight and having an eating disorder (I'm 5ft 10in and 165lbs so I am no way underweight - I used to be somewhat overweight). Every time I have the misfortune to need to take my daily run or get the mat out to do some sit ups I know a sarcastic comment or complaint is coming. "Why dont you go to the gym and do that?" "That's fine go for your run - just focus on yourself as usual".

Why does she resent me doing something thats good for my health? It doesen't cost any money. It doesn't involve hanging out with other girls or anything that she needs to feel resentful of. I've explained it's important to me and that I would like her to respect that. But still she clearly cant stand me looking after myself in this way.

I'm sure this kind of stuff is common but would appreciate any insights.

Thanks

Hi there,

Thank you for bringing it up; pretty standard issues, I'm in the same boat here.

Mine speaks an Asian language to the kids to keep me out of the loop. I usually have an idea what she's ranting about because of her body language, intonation, and I know a few words of the language.
It is disrespect, and I can now understand why a friend did not allow his asian wife to speak asian to the kids when he was around. Maybe we should go the same way.

Problem is that I should have enforced this rule from the start. We're quite far down the road now, and it will not be accepted anymore out of the blue.

But on the other hand, there's no better time for change than now. Just need to build a solid case.

Your second issue is that she does not understand men. A man needs his own time, or he will feel suffocated. Women do not understand this, as they are, in simple terms, herd animals.
Their greatest fear is to be alone, so they cannot comprehend why a man needs to be away from his loved ones on a regular basis.

I've had the same issue : I went to the gym regularly, and my wife forbid me to go there, because it was just a "loss of time".

What she is actually trying to say, is "you need to spend more time with me". She sees your hobby as competition for herself, since both she and your hobby compete for your time.

(As a side note : see how she's presenting you with a hidden request? She needs you, but does not want to appear as the weak and needy one here, so this is how it comes out.
You are not able to decrypt her message, and she gets more frustrated every single time)

So ignore the complaints about obsession and weight, they're just expressions of the level of her frustration.

The basic issue is that it is in a man's nature to withdraw into the man-zone regularly, and women do not understand this.

So keep going to the gym, because it is something you need. You can tell her this is simply something you need to improve yourself, and that the better shape you are in, the better you can take care of her.
And don't forget to give her some quality time afterwards.

Hope it helps,

Jack

Thanks again.

The rage level has been consistently high from my girlfriend for the last couple of weeks.

I feel genuinely sorry for her as she is clearly very unhappy. She looks tired and bites her nails. I want to tell her that I don't want to be her enemy and that everything she claims to crave... affection, companionship, love, intimacy are here for her if she would just calm down and stop attacking me.

Currently I am walking on eggshells every day. I dread going into the kitchen to get breakfast as I am awaiting the first sarcastic comment or criticism of the day. Will I use the wrong carton of milk, sit in the wrong chair? What will be the first attack today?

The kids have to see this every day and it must be damaging for them. At some point I may have to be brave enough to see that the only decent thing to do is leave so the kids don't grow up poisoned by seeing this kind of hateful relationship. And so that I can regain some self esteem. And so my girlfriend can be free of a man who she clearly feels is such a terrible disappointment.

One of the worst things is I feel so guilty and ashamed for letting someone talk to me like dirt every day and still almost persuade me that actually I am the one who is mistreating THEM and that I have made them behave that way by my intolerable personality. I am disgusted with myself to be honest.

Hi,

I understand the disgust, but it helps if you know what's going on:

You're a man, and you get severely disrespected daily. Now researchers have found that respect is the most important aspect of a relationship for men.

You feel bad because you accept the disrespect from her. With any other person you would already have retaliated a long time ago, but because you are afraid to lose her, you put up with it.

This is a totally normal reaction: you feel cornered between your affection for her and your male principles. As you do not know how to solve the issue, you stay stuck in the current situation. And as the disrespect grows with her frustration, your self-respect plunges deeper because you allow someone to treat you like this.

Very logical and unfortunately very common.

To lower her immediate frustration, you need to validate her feelings. Point out that you understand that she is frustrated, and that you (now) also understand why, and that it is ok and normal for her to feel that way.

The important part however is what she does with that feeling, the actions that follow from there. She choses to let her frustration lead to abusive actions, and that is not ok. There are several ways to handle feelings of frustration, and she choses the wrong one.

Other options she has :
- talking directly and clearly with you about her frustration, so you are in a position to do something about it.
- waiting for some time, or going for a walk, until the feeling subsides, and analyzing it from there.
and probably some others as well...

Once she's calmed down a bit, you can work on the underlying issue.

The solution to your problem is to set boundaries: you need to tell her that what she says and does to you is unacceptable. A good relationship cannot work without mutual respect, and she fails in that part of her side in the relationship.

She will probably backfire with rebuttals and projections towards yourself, but then you can propose to start again on both sides with a clean slate, make a fresh start.

Tell her you can understand she is frustrated by your behavior, but the same is valid for you by her behavior as well. To add to the problem, you both have different needs in the relationship, but assume the other one needs the same.

As you don't want to end up in a battle about who started first, just propose to make a fresh start on both sides.

The underlying aspect that plays here, is that a lot of women need clear boundaries. They need it to feel secure and supported, as it gives them a familiar environment. By failing to put boundaries on her behavior, you are confusing her about where your limits are, and what kind of person you are. Not to mention you lost points on the male alpha-ness aspect, and are moving in her world towards the wimp-level. And no woman in the world wants a wimp as partner...

So start telling her (in a very calm and relaxed voice, remember : you're the teacher holding the child's hand) that she goes too far, and you cannot accept what she just said/did. What she did, is not what partners do in a good relationship, and that a good relationship is what you want with her.

Do not expect immediate results from the first time; this is something that has to grow in her mind offline. Give it a few times before you start to see a minor change in her behavior.

You will probably have to repeat the same point several times, as she will test if the boundary is real or just a one-off fluke. Stay consistent, and she will accept it as a solid no-go.

Also, remember: you're the teacher in this, and have to stay outside of the context that she throws at you. Staying calm shows your dominance as a man, your resilience and independence. All traits that women search for in a man.

I know what you're going through, I have been there personally.

In fact, I just got off the phone with my wife trying to accuse me of being the reason the children were late in school today, while she was on the phone all morning, and failing to do her part of the job. I just replied to not accept her accusation, that she failed to do what was required, and that for me this is the reason why they were late. She cut the phone after that, but I know she's fuming right now about me having the guts to object to her reality twist. So be it, Mr Walk Over Me has left the building...

Stay strong, there is a solution.


Jack