I came back after a 6 month absence to share my progress with my brothers and fellow victims. I was active on this board for more than a year and it helped me tremendously. Some of you may remember my name. I thank all of you that were so supportive and helpful. So, I thought I would pay it forward and share what's been happening and where my 2 year long recovery journey has taken me.

After being married to an extreme NPD for 6 years I finally left. The tortuous path I lived took me through all of the stages that you all may be now going through. So I am here to tell you all that there is life after the NPD. And further, that life is abundant and joyful. I can honestly say that after an 8 year long ordeal, I almost never have the slightest thought about my NPD ex-wife. I have been no contact for 18 months now and she has persisted in trying to hoover me the entire time. In all she has asked me to return 14 times. I have had to block all of here calls and texts for a year now. She even went to the extreme of masking her phone number as anonymous!

About 7 months ago, once my divorce was final, I signed up for a dating site. After only 6 days I messaged an incredibly lovely younger woman. At first blush I figured that 1) She was way out of my league, and 2) She was too young to be interested in a man in his 50's. So I just forgot all about it. Wrong on both counts! She messaged me back the very next day and did so thoughtfully and at length after reading my profile carefully. It seems that she was looking for an older white, Christian man with old fashioned values,,, oh and tall, I'm 6'-2". So it just happened that I was exactly what she preferred. So you never know guys.

We met only a few days later for dinner and the date was wonderful. For the first time in years I was at ease with a woman, it was relaxed and comfortable. I determined to simply be myself at all times. We agreed to meet for a second date two days later for Sunday brunch. Again the time with her was magical. Over the course of the next several weeks it became clear that we were very compatible. We now see each other every weekend and Wednesdays. I love her dearly and she loves me for the man I am, no pretense. She is compassionate, loving and empathetic. This Thanksgiving we will be serving dinners to the homeless at an LA shelter. She is a published author of Christian women's books. In her I have found a dear precious Godly gloriously beautiful woman. I could not be more joyful. And it took going through Hell to get here.

So guys all I wanted to say was please be encouraged and DO NOT GIVE UP! It does get better and you will be loved again by the RIGHT woman if you hang in there and do the hard work on yourself that is needed. May God richly bless you all.

Hi Been,
So glad to hear your success story. It's stories like yours that keeps hope alive in believers like me. I too am married to a textbook narc. But I know that this isn't the end of the road for me. I have kids to consider first befors myself, that's why I haven't left yet. I pray everyday for strength and clarity to guide me through my frustrations. Because of this site I am able to talk to others like myself, letting me know that I am not the only one going through something like this. Your story(testimony) brought a smile to my face, letting me know that he is real, know matter what the enemy wants me to believe. God bless you and Thank You.

Welcome back, BTDT.

Thank you for chiming back in to give the rest of us hope, I appreciate it.

And you're right: sometimes you have to go through hell before you find heaven.

Enjoy life,


Jack

BeenThere –

So glad to hear you have found peace with your situation. God Bless you richly.

I'm a bit younger (late 30's) and have been with my now wife for over ten years (married for four). We have a wonderful 3 year old and a new baby due in a few weeks. My wife doesn't have severe NPD, its borderline. Still, when she gets going it can really test me.

I've always known something was wrong with her, but have just recently become aware of NPD and the framework for this disorder fits her behavior so well.

Tonight for instance she went off the handle because I suggested that we try to keep the house cleaner, I'm sure you all know who does most of the cleaning up. Anyways, in true NPD style she said I was accusing her of making the mess. We have a toddler, who does a fine job of messing things up without any help from her.. And of course because I am accusing her of this I am "Such and *******". She's super pregnant, which I think is causing her NPD to flare up almost constantly, its rough.

Most of the posts and advice I have been reading is about leaving the NPD abuser. Very rarely do I see anything about how to overcome and experience true change when in a relationship with an NPD abuser. This is the first topic I read on this forum, so please excuse me if there are posts like that here. I realize my wife is borderline NPD, not extreme, so that gives me some hope.

But that is not where I put my faith. My faith rests on the finished work of Jesus. Romans 5:17 says for those that receive the abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness will reign in life through christ jesus. It doesn't say reign over wife, too bad :P

However, my wife is a part of my life and since the gift of righteousness and abundance of grace causes me to reign in life, then if I am reigning in life, certainly how can my wife's NPD exist even for a moment in my life. I can think of nothing more life stealing than the way NPD drains, confuses, and sucks the life out. And my friends, I am going for this abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness, purchased by the blood of Jesus. I receive it! Amen.

I believe that there is good in her and have experienced what our relationship is like when Christ fills us. When he is center place, all is right. The trouble with NPD is that it prevents those with it from seeing their need for Jesus. Even though he is the answer.

I'm not at the starting line, I've been in it for ten years and I have only gotten stronger as I believe Jesus more and more. I have two girls to think of, I won't abandon them – and through Christ, I won't let my wife's NPD ruin this family.

I'm looking at this as an opportunity to grow in the Lord, in strength, peace, love and grace. And through Christ rebuke the storm, take back the wife I know and love. I could never do it by my own hand. But I know Jesus specializes in taking something weak and making it strong – taking something broken and mending it. I've weathered worse storms than this.

Worn-out, you aren't alone. May the wisdom of Christ fill you, may his peace reign in your family, rest in his strength and love brother.

Hi Mathew,

Welcome, good to have you here.

As for your wife, I admire your mental resolve to go through the storms.

About the incident of keeping the house more clean : there are several possible reasons:
- as her hormones are going crazy, you can expect irrational behavior; this includes going off the handle for nothing.
- another side is that she, as a woman, might feel responsible for keeping the house clean, and because she doesn't, might feel guilty whenever you bring it up. She's feeling accused, hence the overreaction.
- thirdly, women communicate on emotions, and always look for hidden messages in anything someone says; it is the default way of how they communicate.
We men are direct communicators, meaning no hidden messages; and we also neglect to pay attention to that part of our communication.
Of course, your wife looks for a hidden message that isn't there ("there's got to be one! What is it!"), and comes to the wrong conclusion : you're accusing her of messing up the house.

Your best reaction is to stay calm, no matter what. Just state that you do a lot of cleaning around here, and like to see things tidy. And you've noticed how it always gets messed up immediately afterwards, and you're now asking her for ideas how you could keep it clean in a better way.

You need to be the one who stays calm here, she's not able to; both as a woman and being highly pregnant. For that, make sure that you take time off to get back to your baseline; no one can go full steam ahead all the time, it's just not human.

Remember : only an inexperienced parent gives his everything every single day, until he gives up from sheer exhaustion; a clever parent knows the most important part is to take care of himself first, so he can better take care of others.

All the best,

Jack

Jack,

Thank you for your words of wisdom. Female communication style is really hard to get my head around sometimes. Thank you for putting that situation into perspective.

I believe she was looking for emotional content and a hidden message. I really like the way you put it "looking for ideas on how WE can better keep it clean", as it was my intention for us to work together on this. Even though she is preggo, she can help, even if its only a small percentage of the actual work. I think she could get on board with that.

Per typical NPD behavior, she didn't let it go from last night and got back into it with me this morning. I held my ground with her myriad of accusations and kept totally calm. But my eyes were on Jesus, so really, he held my ground, and help me to say supportive things. I explained to her that I didn't agree with her perception, I was not accusing her of being messy, but instead wanted her help in addressing the general messiness of the house.

It got pretty out of control, she tried to leave the house because she wasn't getting me to back down and admit I was wrong. I've been down that road, once I open the door to admission, she berates and verbally abuses me for everything, somehow everything including her behavior is my fault.

I love her, so its hard to see her like this. She wanted to leave, which was fine with me, the problem was that she was now so enraged and upset that she was out of control. I had to take her keys away, she wasn't in a emotionally safe place to drive. This of course set her into the stratosphere. I just couldn't let her drive like that, it was scary.

So she threw all of her stuff down on our front lawn stormed off on foot. I followed her at a safe distance until she calmed down and walked back with her and when she seemed to be in better control, gave her back her stuff and let her leave. She tried the whole time to place the blame on me.

To keep the peace, I told her that I do need to work on my communication skills, which I clearly do, and Jack your post is very helpful in this regard. I also told her that I was not responsible for her reaction and that it was on her. She seemed to accept this when I said it, which was surprising.

After she left, I decided to reach out to her sister who is both aware of the situation and a psychologist. It turns out my wife's father had extreme NPD, which is a total other story. The sister told me that holding my ground was the best thing I could have done for my wife and for me. It was really helpful to have that feedback, even though the morning was tough.

The plan now is to rebuild the trust layer and get us back to a loving place. I really don't want my wife being this upset during her pregnancy, its not good for her, its not good for the baby. Its worse though to let her fly off the handle and berate me, I think deep down it makes her feel awful to treat me that way. Her sister told me that she often regrets if afterword as she has spoken with her about this at length.

I'm going to put more effort into being supportive and communicating in a style that she understands and maybe take a little extra time off work to be with her so she can feel loved and supported.

I really appreciate the support here. It means the world to know that I am not alone.

Thank you!

Matthew, if you haven't already, visit BPDFamily.com. There is a forum there that will help you deal with a BPD if you plan to stay with her.

I suspected mine was BPD but to my knowledge she was never professionally diagnosed. She ended up divorcing me (so far in hindsight, not a bad thing).

Hello again Matthew,

Just to clarify : her father having NPD is the cause of her being this way.

As we grow up as children, the first relationship we experience is the one of our parents. And as we are in a stage of learning about the world, we accept everything around us as reality, and default. Also an abusive parent relationship...

And over time default becomes "normal"...

As an adult, we have subconsciously built on this idea about relationships, and, if we don't actively alter the basic idea, we will imitate it in our own relationships, because it's familiar.

Meaning your wife is now copying your father's behavior.

It is extremely hard for her to alter this, as she is probably not even aware of it. She just feels this huge frustration inside (for her stormy childhood), and doesn't know how to handle it in a proper way. And if you don't know how to handle something, you fall back on familiar behavior...

If you're her first relationship, you have a better chance of correcting her: the more relationships an abusive person has had, the more her behavior will have been reinforced, and the deeper you'll have to dig to reach her child core-self.

It is possible to correct her, but it will be a long process; we're talking about years here. Little by little she'll have to realize how a normal relationship works, and what principles allow it to prosper. You'll need to encourage her along the way for every little step she makes forward, to keep her motivated.

It's basically re-educating her inner child about relationships, as strange as it may sound.

First and foremost, keep talking to her sister. As she's a confidente, you might start communicating again via that route. It is a good sign she feels guilty about her missteps, but she can not control those intense emotions whenever they come up. Controlling emotions is a skill that needs to be learned, and most women miss that class and become a lifelong prisoner of their own emotions.

Controllling emotions is something that men in general are quite good at, so she could learn a few things from yourself, once she has accepted the idea.

Secondly, I advise you to see a counselor anyway. If she's not prepared to see one (specialized in NPD-BPD), you definitely will need one, if only for having an opportunity to vent & understand what's going on; you will need all the help you can get to weather the storms ahead and keep you grounded.

And thirdly, look up DBT; it seems to work quite well on these type of situations.

So keep an eye on taking care of yourself and your baseline; with the background I mentioned I hope you understand a bit better now what you're dealing with, and have a better shot at this.

All the best,

Jack

Welcome to the site Matthew,

A few things jumped out at me that I thought worth commenting on. Namely your wife's reaction to certain stresses.

You are correct to refuse to be "at fault" for everything. This is an NPD's classic projection of all personal faults onto others as a coping mechanism. NPD's and BPD's have almost no coping skills when it comes to owning up to faults or being accountable for personal behavior or even independent decisions. It's all got to be somebody else's fault and guess who gets elected,,,,, you. They have constructed a perfect persona and hence cannot by default be wrong. This is why these types seldom if ever apologize for anything. If they apologize it take the form of an apologetic projection,,, i.e. "I'm sorry that my actions were so misinterpreted by you that you caused yourself to be hurt." My ex actually said that to me once. So her actions weren't wrong, my reaction to them was at fault, hence I am at fault and she is blameless,,, slick huh? Projection and deflection are the cornerstones of denial in these disorders. Don't take responsibility for her actions and don't let her blame you. Admit to your part in any dispute humbly and with sincere apologetic regret. But draw the line clearly for what you contributed vs what she contributed. No argument is entirely 100% - 0% it's always a shared contribution. However, now that you've stood your ground,,,,,

You have now left her no place to offload the blame and shame that she knows deep down is her own fault. Remember that she cannot by definition be accountable. Therefore you must be prepared for what follows. She is cornered and a cornered NPD will almost always react in one of three ways. These are: the silent treatment, flight, or rage. You experienced the power of the narcissistic rage yesterday. This is an explosion that had to happen because she could not shed the wrong she committed and had to vent, to verbally blame you and thereby feel better about her own infallibility.

Narcissistic rage can be very dangerous, both to her and to you. A person in this condition, pregnant or not, is very much "out of control", as you have observed. You cannot stop these episodes from happening, but just know what it is and where it's coming from. Fortunately they pass and the NPD seems to be helped by the rage, and slowly in her mind things return to "normal".

Don't allow the verbal abuse. It's not healthy for you as it will drain you. And it's not healthy for your children to see and hear as they are very much watching. These exchanges can damage them more than you think and impact their adult relationships later in life. Be calm when you talk to her, be monotone, be neutral. This will probably upset her. When that happens you need to leave the room or the house in order to avoid a rage event. Later you can say, "I'd like to resume our discussion but only if we can do so with mutual respect for one another and calm, if things get load and ugly or you want to blame me for everything then I shall stop the discussion until we can do better."

I think that's long enough for now. Good to have a Godly brother on here,,, be blessed.