I'm reaching out for some help at this time. My wife is getting worse by the min. Every time I think I've accomplished another goal in her methodical world, she turns up the heat. And I've come to grips that I can't keep living this lie. The things she's doing to me is hurting me deep down inside, but I do my best not to show any emotions, because I know that's what she's looking for. I am a religious man and a father, so I toil with my faith constantly. Give up or believe that the Lord will deliver me through this. I work two jobs and I'm enrolled in college, plus I try and stay involved in anything dealing with our kids (school functions, sports, etc). So I'm literally tired and don't know what to do. I'm not looking for a pity party, because we're stronger than that. What I need is some guidance right now, because I'm at a point were I just want to give up.

Hello Worn,

First off:

"Every time I think I've accomplished another goal in her methodical world, she turns up the heat"

You are putting yourself at her mercy.

It is also your world.

You do not have to accept anything she says.

She will dish up the most outrageous nonsense, or throw a tantrum, just to make you crawl back into the corner trying to figure out what she really means. That's her only goal. And it's called emotional abuse.

Most women are NOT LOGICAL, trying to reason according to their "logic" is a lost case. She's now happily trampling over you because you live according to HER upturned principles. You need to stand on your own principles, and refuse anything from her that is unacceptable or illogical to you. It's basically limit setting.

It took me a long time to learn to say 'I can not accept that', but it helps enormously.

Also, be prepared to disregard some more bullying. Focus only on your logic, and she will not have a leg to stand on.

And secondly :

You're overloading yourself with duties. Stop doing that.

She will not like it, but that is to be expected. Her only interest is you doing everything, as she needs an obedient man-slave racing around to serve her.

You are a human being, and can only handle so much. Everybody has their limit, and you'll bump into yours soon if you keep going on like this.

I've been diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago, and know now that the cause was me frantically trying to fulfill her every request. And guess what... it was never enough, and never ok.

If you are at odds with a woman, what she will do is try to force you to your limit, so you will give up and submit to her from sheer exhaustion. I've been in that race before too. But you need to know: it is not a race you are obliged to participate in; you have the option to step out at any time.

The only thing that keeps you in this race is her emotional abuse. So counter or ignore that, and you're free.

There's some good literature out there, so start reading up.

After figuring this out, I stopped doing her every little wish, and started refusing requests (too busy, not available, in a meeting, etc). I also veto impossible plans of her, and only execute what has been accepted in the morning planning. Other issues will have to be added to tomorrow's planning.

And I feel much better now; I can think and decide for myself again, without being pressed for time. I have a clear idea of the workload that day, and can adapt accordingly. It's a different world...


I'd say give it a shot.


Jack

Thanks Jack, I really need to hear that. It felt like I was broadside by a tanker truck and left on the side of the road broken and confused. Thanks for bringing a little clarity to my situation.

Anytime.



Been there myself, glad to be out.



Jack