I'm having one of those can't stop thinking about it, questioning myself and questioning what we had days.
So, my ex and I are at the stage of beginning a friendship of sorts. But it still hurts me a little. Actually today it hurts me a lot. The reason we broke up after 8 months other than the fact that we were having arguments, was because he didnt think he wanted to be in a relationship. He was feeling a little crowded i think. The more he retreated the more I followed him, until he just said he wasnt in love with me anymore. So he said he would always love me, and so on, but he didnt want a girlfriend. That was painful, but I got by.
Two months or so after we split he started seeing someone else, I just found out recently. It has now been 4 months since we split. Anyway we both teach english in Japan, and she was another teacher. She went back to England, so one night when i was out on the town and ran into my ex, one thing just led to another and he came home with me. I tried to put him off at first, but he was the one pursuing something happening. I said, its not right, what about your girlfriend, and he said that she wasnt, and it was complicated. So after protesting for a while I couldnt resist.
Anyway, I realized i wasnt in love with him anymore, but it messed up my feelings a lot. I got confused.
When i spoke to him again we both agreed it could never happen again, and we have since had dinner as friends and spoken on the phone as friends. Whenever something from the past comes up I tell him thats over with and we should leave it behind.
We talked about his girlfriend too. It turns out that she is his girflriend now as they decided they couldnt not be together. So I said, thats great and I hope you are both happy together. But when I asked him if he had told her about what had happened with us, he said no. Even though they had decided to break up and then get back together, I thought that was wrong. I would want to know if I was her.
So I have lots of questions and I know some of them i shouldnt worry about but
How can he love her if he can sleep with me, just like that?
Would anyone want to be in the position where their new boyfriend
wasnt telling them something like that?
What about what we had when we were going out? Was it real? He said he was in love me but was he?
He said he didnt want a girlfriend, but now he does? Does that mean that it was me? He just didnt want me? He is going home early to England because he wants to be with her. But he was never prepared to plan ahead for me.
I am so confused. I would love him to say that what we had was real, was special and that he didn love me. He has said that before but I dont know if he realizes and I dont let it show, how much it hurts that he is going to go home to be with another woman, that he is now in love with another woman. How can someone fall in and out of love so fast? Can it really be love if he is not going to be honest with her.
Apart from being worried about myself, I also was concerned for him, but its his problem. I told him, I didnt want to tell himwhat to do but that I head learnt honesty was always best, so he should tell her, and he should also make sure that he doesnt go doing anything silly like that with someone else, like he did with me.
Im trying to be his friend, and managing okay. But it still hurts me that someone who didnt want to plan a future with me, is wanting to plan a future with someone else. What does it all mean? Is there something wrong with me? Am I damaged goods?
I know I usually sound so on top of things, and generally I am, but I could really really do with some insight if anyone has any. Advice, anything, encouragement, whatever.
I'm feeling fairly together four months on, but I still have feelings for him. Im through with the anger, the shock everything, but i'm just feeling stuck.
I want to move on too. I want to be happy too.
I want him to be happy also. I know we are wrong for each other, but how long does it take to forget someone?