This forum is to discuss your breakup, the jerk that dumped you, or anything else you want to talk to about!
I so know how you are feeling right now. All of the questions I think are very typical of anyone to have. Here is what I think...
People are creatures of habit. He may very well love her or have feelings for her, but you are what he knows. You guys were together for a long time. Sleeping with you is comfortable for him. Plus, I am sure that he still has some kind of feelings for you and it's also a subconscience way of keeping you around or on the "back burner." I personally don't think that it's a good way to start a relationship out by sleeping with your ex but it's not your place to say anything. Not to mention that somethings are left better unsaid. If he is going to continually do dishonest things behind her back, she will eventually find out. I am sure that the relationship you had was very real and that he did love you but it sounds like that he does not want the same things that you want (although it also sounds like he is a little unsure if giving up on your relationship was the right thing to do). I think that when anyone gets out of a relationship that they need time to get over everything, regardless if you think you need it or not. When you spend day in and day out with someone you need the space of finding out who you are and what you want. I think that most people start with the frame of mind that they want to be alone but find someone that fills the void...REBOUND. Most people think that the cure for getting over someone is to find someone new. That couldn't be more false just because you are just mixing feelings (ie what you shared with your ex and the feelings you probably still have for your ex, then the feelings of a new person, comparing the two, wondering if you did the right thing,etc.) I am positive that is why he has already moved on. As far as him going that extra mile with her that he wouldn't with you (even though I am sure that you deserved it)... God, only knows. I sometimes wonder if people try to make up for their wrongs in past relationships, with their new partner. That is something that you are just going to have to deal with though. I do think that you two discussing his new girlfriend is a huge NO. You are not completely healed. You two can be friends but it's not fair for you to even try and discuss her, even if you aren't in love with him. I can relate because I battle these questions daily. I am very close with my ex and I am still in love with him. I have been even helping him with his bills and listening to his problems. We get along so terrific and we both still love one another. I am happy to have him in my life but of course I want more. I think that he is a little confused at times about what he wants. He still has his much younger girlfriend...we do not talk about her (I honestly have a very hard time saying her name...STILL). She is just an off limits subject. I get upset because I am still so hurt and I cry a lot but I want him as my best friend and I have no choice but to cope. I think you understand how much it sucks. At this moment I actually feel very numb about my situation with my ex. I just don't know how I am suppose to feel. I know how you feel about just wanting for his happiness...I feel the same about my ex. However, you need to worry about your happiness. I know it's easier said then done. Hey, I am great at giving advice but taking it isn't one of my stronger points. I don't feel that we ever really get over real love. It always lingers, you will never love anyone the same way either. One day you will be able to move forward but it does take time. I don't think that I will ever be in love the way I once was and I am not sure if I even have that desire right now. I just want to live day to day, taking it moment by moment. I miss my ex, I love him and regardless of all that has gone on, probably would take him back but I have to let him go. What is meant to be always finds away. It will get better, sooner or later.
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I'm having one of those can't stop thinking about it, questioning myself and questioning what we had days.
So, my ex and I are at the stage of beginning a friendship of sorts. But it still hurts me a little. Actually today it hurts me a lot. The reason we broke up after 8 months other than the fact that we were having arguments, was because he didnt think he wanted to be in a relationship. He was feeling a little crowded i think. The more he retreated the more I followed him, until he just said he wasnt in love with me anymore. So he said he would always love me, and so on, but he didnt want a girlfriend. That was painful, but I got by.
Two months or so after we split he started seeing someone else, I just found out recently. It has now been 4 months since we split. Anyway we both teach english in Japan, and she was another teacher. She went back to England, so one night when i was out on the town and ran into my ex, one thing just led to another and he came home with me. I tried to put him off at first, but he was the one pursuing something happening. I said, its not right, what about your girlfriend, and he said that she wasnt, and it was complicated. So after protesting for a while I couldnt resist.
Anyway, I realized i wasnt in love with him anymore, but it messed up my feelings a lot. I got confused.
When i spoke to him again we both agreed it could never happen again, and we have since had dinner as friends and spoken on the phone as friends. Whenever something from the past comes up I tell him thats over with and we should leave it behind.
We talked about his girlfriend too. It turns out that she is his girflriend now as they decided they couldnt not be together. So I said, thats great and I hope you are both happy together. But when I asked him if he had told her about what had happened with us, he said no. Even though they had decided to break up and then get back together, I thought that was wrong. I would want to know if I was her.
So I have lots of questions and I know some of them i shouldnt worry about but
How can he love her if he can sleep with me, just like that?
Would anyone want to be in the position where their new boyfriend
wasnt telling them something like that?
What about what we had when we were going out? Was it real? He said he was in love me but was he?
He said he didnt want a girlfriend, but now he does? Does that mean that it was me? He just didnt want me? He is going home early to England because he wants to be with her. But he was never prepared to plan ahead for me.
I am so confused. I would love him to say that what we had was real, was special and that he didn love me. He has said that before but I dont know if he realizes and I dont let it show, how much it hurts that he is going to go home to be with another woman, that he is now in love with another woman. How can someone fall in and out of love so fast? Can it really be love if he is not going to be honest with her.
Apart from being worried about myself, I also was concerned for him, but its his problem. I told him, I didnt want to tell himwhat to do but that I head learnt honesty was always best, so he should tell her, and he should also make sure that he doesnt go doing anything silly like that with someone else, like he did with me.
Im trying to be his friend, and managing okay. But it still hurts me that someone who didnt want to plan a future with me, is wanting to plan a future with someone else. What does it all mean? Is there something wrong with me? Am I damaged goods?
I know I usually sound so on top of things, and generally I am, but I could really really do with some insight if anyone has any. Advice, anything, encouragement, whatever.
I'm feeling fairly together four months on, but I still have feelings for him. Im through with the anger, the shock everything, but i'm just feeling stuck.
I want to move on too. I want to be happy too.
I want him to be happy also. I know we are wrong for each other, but how long does it take to forget someone?
Sorry about the length of this submission.